TL;DR so long story short, my husband and I have been together for almost 4 years and no matter what I do, he doesn’t seem to be interested in me. My sex drive is way higher than his and it’s really emotionally draining.
My husband (32m) and I (25f) have been together for almost 4 years. We’ve been married for 1 year. He had 2 daughters before we met. I had 1 daughter. We now have 1 together that’s 2 months old. When we first got together everything was amazing. He was so intentional about everything- spending time together, being romantic, and especially making love. For the first year he wanted me all the time. Anytime we didn’t have kids he’d be so passionate with me and always initiated foreplay before anything else. He’d take me on the couch or in the kitchen or even in his truck. After a year things started to really slow down and it made me feel like something was wrong with me. I talked to him about it. I went to counseling. I basically waited on him hand and foot because I felt like I needed to earn his intimacy and interest. Nothing changed despite my efforts, but our lives were already all wrapped up together and kids were involved and I really do love him. He proposed and I accepted. We got married, bought a house, had a baby of our own. I really struggle with feeling so lonely though. We have sex about twice a month. Sometimes less. I flirt with him a lot- constantly complimenting him and rubbing his shoulders or scratching his hair like he likes. I cook all the meals and I clean the house. I let him quit his job to try and do a new venture which hasn’t brought any money home in the past year so we’re solely living off of my income and I don’t complain. I haven’t really good hygiene. I’m very nice. He says I give amazing blow jobs and I’m a very very enthusiastic lover. I just don’t understand why he won’t make love to me. I didn’t even wait the 6 weeks after having our baby. I want him all the time and it’s really hurtful that he doesn’t want me. He doesn’t plan dates or send nice texts or anything like he used to. He hasn’t gone down on me in 2 years. He didn’t even have sex with me on our wedding night or our wedding anniversary. For Christmas he got me a vibrator I guess to just handle things myself but that’s not what I want. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life like this? I’m always in want and never get satisfaction. How do I make my husband want me again? I’m very not vanilla. I’ve told him that I’m willing to try anything he can dream up but I think he just doesn’t want me.
16 comments
If you had about two years of a crummy sex life with him before you got married, it sounds like you knew who he was. You are trying and trying to attract him and he got you a vibrator for Christmas. I’m sorry, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do except decide if you are still willing to settle.
Having a higher sex drive can definitely be draining I completely understand
I really dont know about your economic state rn, but I think it’s due to his own dissapointment that he can’t bring a lot of money to you which play crucial role. You said that you both live off from your income, he probably feel immasculate because of it that he lost his sex drive. It doesn’t feel manly to eat from your wife’s pocket, escpecially if your venture doesn’t go in the right direction. Is he on the verge of bankruptcy?
He needs to have his bloodwork checked and testosterone levels. He may be hypogonadal. Also you need to have a conversation with him about exactly how you feel. Communication is key
Have him check his testosterone levels.
Also, kids are draining.
Sister, you are not alone. Join r/deadbedrooms and get support/ rant/ cry with us.
It sounds like you still love him, so maybe you can try polyamory so that you can stay together? Or atleast open relationship if he isn’t down with that. It’s worth a try!
A lot of guys just don’t care. It’s shitty and selfish but it’s the unfortunate truth. They can get off whenever they want with very little effort and they don’t want to put in the effort of helping you finish and don’t wanna hear you disappointed so they just don’t. I’m sorry you’re going through that.
You’re doing too much for him. You gotta read mars & Venus and some self help books. Make him chase you. Try watching Brian Knox on YouTube
You should have his hormones and stuff checked might be that
He prolly has low testosterone and or ED. Tell him to buy blew chew
May I ask what it is you’re getting out of this marriage? Because you’re the only one bringing home money, you’re doing all the cooking and cleaning, waiting on him hand and foot, and I would guess also the bulk of the child care? What’s he bringing to the table right now? Because it sounds like the answer is “Not much.” You might have fallen in love with the man who wanted sex all the time and sent you nice texts, spent time with you, planned dates, and made you feel wanted, but he’s no longer that man, and he wasn’t when you agreed to marry him. So why did you go through with the marriage? Why did you conceive a child with a man who doesn’t make you feel loved or contribute to the household?
Have a serious conversation with him about all of his behavior. Gauge his reaction. Does he admit there is a problem and express a desire to change? Then it’s time for him to get a new job (You gave him a year to try out his “venture” and he was not successful. It’s time for him to find a new income source and take pressure off of you), start contributing around the house, put effort into your marriage, and couples’ counseling should be part of the bargain as well. Does he think there’s not a problem or that the issues with your marriage aren’t serious? Then your choice is to either stay in a marriage with a useless man who doesn’t even do the bare minimum to make you feel loved, or divorce him. I promise there are men out there who won’t stop making you feel loved after a few months.
Men who are unemployed, underemployed or making very little money often get depressed and lash out or mistreat the people around them who support them. It happens even with the nicest men. The more you do for him and support him, the more withdrawn he will become, I’m sure you’re seeing this yourself.
You married him knowing he wasn’t that interested in sex. But you expected him to change.
>He hasn’t gone down on me in 2 years
>He says I give amazing blow jobs
Why the heck are you giving him BJs???????
You said you have bad hygiene, that is a big no for wanting to have sex with someone. Maybe take a shower and stay clean. Especially down there.
Are you positive he’s not cheating? If he once was totally into it and now isn’t, that’s fishy.