Whenever we’re having sex, he will ask me in the middle of it “what do you want?” As in like how do I want the sex to be. Now I obviously appreciate his consideration here but it always takes me out of the moment and I almost never have a ready response which can then make things a little… awkward? And sometimes I answer that I do want something specific or maybe to keep things the same but I find it takes the spontaneity out of things. He wants me to take the lead in the bedroom most of the time and it’s something we have talked about me not necessarily wanting. Any suggestions on how to navigate?
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If you’re enjoying what he’s doing at that moment, it could be an interesting opportunity to say something dirty!
If you know this is a typical behavior then prepare. What DO you want? Be ready with something(s) and go for it!
Think about your fantasies outside of the bedroom.
Have a conversation with him outside of when you’re actively having sex and discuss what fantasies you do have when you’re not feeling uncomfortable.
Practice having conversations about sex until they become comfortable for both of you. Create a culture of communication and openness about sex.
Then when you do have sex, he’ll already know what you want and can do that without asking. If you’re not in the mood for something, have a safe word you agree on and use that to change the scenario or stop sex
I’m your husband. I mean, not literally, as far as I know. But I do this and my wife has told me similar things.
There’s no *single* reason I ask. Like any/all these reasons can apply:
* I like hearing her voice her desire.
* I feel self-conscious that I haven’t been focusing on her enough.
* I feel unsure on where things should go so I’m looking for her guidance.
* I’m genuinely curious what she’s thinking in the moment.
I’m sure I’m forgetting some others.
She’s said, in the past, “I don’t know.” At times, I’m sure the question annoyed her. But over the years, we’d talk about it so she got to understand me better and vice versa. And that, in turn, changed the dynamic of the question/answer.
Now, we both know, that if I ask the question, it’s because I want to pleasure her in the way she wants to be pleasured. There’s an *intention* behind it that we both recognize.
Meanwhile, we first accepted that she doesn’t have to an answer either. It stopped stalling our sessions; we rolled with it one way or another. And I got better with my timing; I knew when better to ask in such a way that she felt ready to actually say “this is what I want right now.” And then we take it there. It feels far more “natural” and fluid now.
We didn’t start there. But you can get there.
I think you’ll need to have a meta conversation – about conversation during sex. What’s his stance on your reluctance to being pulled out of the moment with that question? Yet at the same time, communication of wants and needs is vital to healthy sex. So there’s a trade off.
Also it seems your sexual role preference is hard to reconcile. You want to surrender and let yourself go, and be led into nirvana while not thinking too much. Your partner wants to be led too. It’s hard if both partners want to submit..
Compliment what his doing. Tell him somethinhg dirty to keep things going even hoter. Act as a partner. Got it?
The way I see it, you have a few possibilities here.
1. He just likes to be a “giver” in bed and literally wants to hear you tell him what you want.
2. He is uncertain (consciously or not) of his skills in bed, and having you tell him specifically what you want makes him feel more confident.
3. He is discretely trying to entice you to talk dirty during the act.
4. He is just really invested in making sure you enjoy yourself and wants your input to make sure your needs are being met.
-or-
5. He secretly has a little sub in him and wants to be told what to do.
How you proceed would depend on which scenario you are actually in. Frankly, I’d just continue the discussion with him. Normalize talking about sex. What you both like, don’t like, fantasize about. The only way to navigate concerns in your bedroom is the direct approach.