I (30M) have been dating my partner (F31) for 3.5 years. It’s been rough through the pandemic and both of us going to grad school and during the more stressful times we fought a lot. That being said we persevered and worked on our relationship and even started seeing a couples therapist who we still see to this day.
Earlier this year she mentioned that she wanted to explore her physical attraction to woman and asked if there was room in our relationship for her to do that. I freaked out and clarified to her that I’m a serial monogamist. This conversation really stressed me out. I’ve heard of so many relationships crumbling because one person wanted to open the relationship and the other didn’t. I considered ending things which we discussed but ultimately decided to stay together, with her saying that aspect of the relationship is something we could talk through. This made me nervous, but I was very clear with her that I wouldn’t change my mind.
Fast Forward to today. We are having dinner, and she asks me if I ever noticed that she kisses her friends. I said no and she began to tell me that it’s strictly platonic, but she kisses her close female friends all the time and she is surprised I hadn’t noticed. She then went on about sometimes she would have a drunk make out with a friend and because it’s platonic it’s not a big deal. She also mentioned that in queer communities, physical affection is more common than in heterosexual environments. She also clarified that her platonically making out with someone has not happened while we’ve been together (I believe her btw).
My response to all this was that I felt like kissing was an intimate thing that was exclusive to our relationship. I stated that a peck with her female friends sounded iffy and that we should discuss that but my boundary is making out with someone else. That doesnt feel okay at all. Her response was that she’d like to be able to move about the world and interact with people as her genuine self. The stress of this interaction and the previously mentioned conversation became overwhelming. I broke up with her right then and there.
I again explained how I was feeling, albeit in a panicked state. There’s too much in this dynamic where I can’t meet her needs. It’s weighing heavy on me and I feel like we’d end up resenting each other. She got upset and told me she understands I’m a monogamist and that she is confused how that’s related to this. Also she said as her partner she should be able to come to me to discuss how she’s feeling and she wasn’t necessarily asking to cross my boundaries.
I told her that it feels like she’s trying to create an opportunity for something I don’t want to be a part of. I stated my boundary that I cant bend on. It’s too much for me to handle. Then she left.
Did I do the right thing by breaking up with her?
TL/DR – my partner mentioned an open relationship with other women and then kissing other girls so I ended it. Did I mess up?
7 comments
Nope, you didn’t mess up. You were clear about your boundaries and stood your ground. It’s better to part ways now than to be in a relationship where you constantly feel uncomfortable and unable to meet each other’s needs. Trust your instincts and move on.
I can see a peck being platonic but “making out”? Yeah, no. Maybe that is a thing in the queer world, idk, but even if that’s true it doesn’t mean that you have to be ok with it. Sounds like you made the right choice for yourself.
Of course you did the right thing.
You stayed true to YOUR principles, and your understanding of what YOUR boundaries are.
She was indeed trying to test your boundaries, and kissing other women/people may be her way of acclimatising you to her sexual explorations.
Kissing other people is potentially fine, many cultures kiss each other on the cheek as a matter of course. But it depends on the intent.
You were worried about her intent, and you did the right thing for you to break up.
As a queer woman, just want to say that no, past college-age, we aren’t any more likely to make out with platonic friends than anyone else. ALSO also, i know zero self-respecting adult queer women who want to make out with current-male-partner-having-people at all, as nobody wants to be someone else’s fetish. Unless she found someone else who was also interested in cheating on their male partner, what she describes is deeply suspect.
Your partner was absolutely trying to trickle-truth you into a situation you’d already stated you didn’t want to be part of. It’s good that the relationship ended. You deserve a lot better.
Ask her this: if you had sex with someone else but throughout the process you loudly said ‘don’t worry, it’s platonic’ a few times would that make it less cheating?
Don’t let her dazzle you with euphemisms. Cheating isn’t defined by how emotionally invested you are. It is defined by crossing boundaries. And she knew that was a boundary, she just hoped she could throw enough bullshit at you that you’d just go with it.
She does bisexuals a disservice and I hate that people like her imply this sort of thing is okay or more common in queer spaces. Cheating is cheating.
My first ltr ended because she wanted to explore her sexuality, same situation in that I was and still am only interested in monogamy.
Even after giving a bit “talk to girls and see how you feel”, she was just pushing that boundary more and more and requesting further. So ended it, 5 years wasted.
Wish I had advice, but I really don’t.
This was a test of your willingness to keep her happy and you stood your ground. Good for you. I am sure it hurts but she is not the right person for.you.