Okay so I will give some background on the family dynamic so we all have context. My mom and dad got divorced over 10 years ago. They got divorced because my dad was cheating on her with his now live in gf, lets call her Becky(fake name) for story sake. She also cheated on her at the time husband with my dad as well so there was home wrecking to go around. During my parents divorce I stayed neutral. I don’t support what my dad did, but he was still a good dad. I never wanted for nothing due to my parents busting their backs. That being said I don’t like Becky but act kind for him.
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Now to the crux of the current issue. I had told may dad over a year ago when we were planning the wedding that I wasn’t going to invite Becky. This wasn’t an issue then, and he said he will deal with it and said he would be there. Well time must have changed his mind but he never said anything to me since then. That was until today when he called me saying he wouldn’t come if she didn’t, as the invite came in the mail with only his name. I was at work and couldn’t get into it at this moment. I did though send him a text giving a few reasons. Which include not doing that to my mom on the day of my wedding, avoiding drama, how she has been rude over the years to both me and my fiancé, and that I just don’t like her but treat her nicely because of him. He just responded with he doesn’t like being told what he can and can’t do.
So how do I convince my father to still come to my wedding? I love the old man and want him there, but I can’t have her. I don’t condone the the home wrecking and yes I know my dad sits in that column too.
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Also, my mom did say she wouldn’t come to the wedding if Becky did. I’m also not allowing my mom a plus one. While I love my mom this day is about me and my lovely fiancé. Who I just want to make sure has a great day.
29 comments
“Dad, I understand that Becky is important to you. But this day is not about you. This is *my* wedding, and in order to have it be the kind of day I’d like to have, neither you or mom have been granted a plus one. I don’t want my wedding day to be about anyone’s drama or discomfort. I want this day to be about celebrating myself and my partner with the people I love, including you. It would mean the world to me if you could set this all aside for just one day, so that I can have that. Maybe we can talk about a visit with you, me, and Becky in the future. But my wedding is neither the time nor the place for anyone to be making statements like that.”
There is a saying that helps to put things in perspective and in making decisions.
“Is this the hill you want to die on?”
For me, it is at the end of my life, would I have any regrets on the decisions I have made?
>How do I get him to change his mind
You can’t. The ball is in his court. Start working on accepting that your father cares more about either (1) his affair partner or (2) “being told what to do” than he does supporting you on your wedding day. Continue to be clear about your position, calm when expressing it, and firm when it’s challenged.
I’m sorry you’re in this position.
You can’t convince your father to come to your wedding and you should not try.
In this life, we can control our own choices. When it comes to dealing with others, you need to establish a clear boundary and accept the resulting choices.
If your father elects not to attend your wedding that is unfortunate. I am sorry if it happens to you and I am not suggesting that it is insignificant.
However, I don’t think it is healthy or reasonable for you to spend any time trying to persuade him. Your father is invited to your wedding as an individual. Your mother is invited to your wedding as an individual. They will choose to attend or not.
Please remember, above all else, that your wedding is about your marriage to your spouse. That should be your primary focus on your special day. Let the rest of it go.
OP,
I’d tell your dad that your mom isn’t allowed a plus one either and doesnt want to come if Becky is there. If he’s still adamant, accept him not coming. He’s burning his own bridge with respect to his future grandkids.
>how do I convince my father to still come to my wedding?
You don’t. You can’t. He is allowed to decide for himself if he’d rather attend your wedding without his affair partner (now 10-year long-term girlfriend) or not.
If you refuse to allow your parents plus-ones then that’s your decision. If they refuse to come for whatever reason, that’s their decision.
This is why people elope.
This is also your chance to insert your boundary and accept the consequence if he won’t honor it. It is his choice- you have to let go.
Hopefully other family members will give him the nudge to do the right thing.
I mean, you really can’t convince him. You explained your reasoning and now the ball is in his court. If he chooses to not go to your wedding at the risk of upsetting ‘Becky’ then he wasn’t as good a father as you thought.
I hope you stick to your decision, and I hope your father comes to his senses.
When someone cheats they cheat on their kids as well as their spouse. Your father already chose this woman over you. He’s not going to stop. He won’t come with out her because that would highlight how wrong his behavior was. Having her there will give legitimacy to his relationship. Legitimacy is one thing cheaters want above all else, and nothing gives them this like their child’s wedding. This is what you are up against.
Your mother is well within her rights to choose not to expose herself to his mistress. She’s likely going through a lot having to prepare herself to be around her cheating ex.
It’s really not possible to remain neutral in these situations.
if he feels his girlfriend’s presence at your wedding is more important than supporting you on one of the biggest days of your life, he’s not as great a dad as you thought. if he’s doing all of this simply bc he doesn’t like being told what he can or can’t do, the harsh reality is his balls and his ego matter more than your wedding
Honestly your dad continues to be a selfish man. It’s not about him it’s about you and your lovely bride or groom. You need to be prepared to be let down by your dad again.
Considering you don’t even like Becky of course your mom comes first. I would just tell him that he knows the deal and if he plans to die on this hill and lose his son then that is on him.
Say to him
” why would I want someone with so little regards to the vows between man and wife at my wedding, you are invited as you are my father, if you won’t come because she is not invited then you don’t come, i will not have my mom sitting through the best day of my life having to look at her smug face,this will forever alter our relationship.. are you willing to lose your son over this because I won’t change my mind. I’m chosing my mom over what you and her need. Come don’t come that’s on you but she is not invited, i wont be discussing this anymore.. if you dont rsvp then i know where we stand”
If he doesn’t come he doesn’t come.. just because you haven’t spat in her home wrecking face doesn’t mean she has any right.. and wouldn’t be fair for your mom seeing her, watching her dance with your dad..
Just stick to your guns
Tell him this day isn’t about him or anyone else other than you and your fiance, and what will make that day the happiest for both of you. You’re disappointed that he is choosing to continue the patter of putting his relationship with his gf over his family, but you respect his decision to not attend under circumstances you have laid out for the day and his presence will be missed. You wish him best and hope to be able to have an amicable relationship going forward.
Do the only thing you can do, follow through with your plan, and not invite Becky. Your Dad will lose this opportunity and its choice. Your mom is not coming because the homewrwcker shows up is not an option, so NO Becky. Dad can just look at the pictures on Facebook.
You already invited him and he responded back. Accept his answer as a no. Pushing someone that is morally corrupt with animosity to your wedding will only bring you bad karma. Your father already chose this woman over his family on more than one occasion while you decided to sit on the fence and be neutral. It’s your wedding you need to have a side on that fence. You can’t be neutral anymore. You can choose to be happy on your special day or you can prioritize your dad’s happiness instead.
You can’t nor should you try. He’s making a choice to miss his daughters wedding over the woman he cheated on your mom with. He made his priorities clear a long time ago and it’s not his family.
This is his choice. Your wedding your wishes. I can understand why you don’t want Becky Imma Homewrecker there. If he chooses not to come his loss. You’ll be busy enough that day.
It’s YOUR wedding. If your dad values his gf more than his own son, then you’re better off not having him there.
Easy: “Dad. You’re invited, and Becky isn’t. If you’re willing to miss my wedding for her, I’ll know where you stand. Don’t think I’ll ever forget or forgive it. Decide well, and asking yourself if it’s a price you’re willing to pay.”
(You can’t control people. You set boundaries. They respect them or not. To quote can old movie: “It’s not that it doesn’t hurt. The trick is not minding that it hurts.” We all bear the consequences of our actions.)
Tell your dad you accept that he has made the choice he did, as he also made the same choice 10 years ago. Rescind his offer and allow your mom a +1. She deserves to have any current relationships normalized as she a major victim of your dads actions. You can’t fix this, but you can give your mom the option to bring someone special.
Tell him you don’t like people telling you what you can and can’t do on your own freaking wedding
He picked her over your mom and now he is picking her over you. Doesn’t sound like good dad.
You can’t.
You have every right to invite or not invite anyone to your wedding.
Your dad has every right to choose to not attend.
You focus on your fiance and your wedding.
”during my parents divorce I stayed neutral” how could you ? Respectfully your dad is a big POS as all cheaters are, he disrespected your mother, their marriage and your family but you didn’t want to take side because he was a ‘great dad’ ? This is what a great dad is to you?? Just thinking about yourself??Your mother is so lucky to have you…. Hope there are side stories that justify it
>I’m also not allowing my mom a plus one.
Just tell your father that you are being fair to both your parents by not allowing a plus one in either side.
If he chooses not to come then it’s his choice to break his relationship with his child.
That he should understand how hurtful it will be too your mother for him to parade his affair partner in front of your mother..
Having said that, I really think she should be allowed to come. The crux of the issue is that they are divorced and people really should move on and accept the situation rather then let it fester forever. Can’t change the past, can only accept reality and live with it.
You can’t make this decision for him, and you certainly can’t use shame because he clearly has none. All you can do us make him aware of the consequences will be, and let him choose.
If it were me, I would tell him that he does not have the right to force me or my mother to be in the same room as the woman he cheated in her with, regardless of how their relationship has progressed. Tell him he is invited, she is not. If he does not show up, or brings her, that will be proof enough for you that he does not value your relationship and no longer wants to be your father and you will move on with your life accordingly.
Well, I dunno about you and your relationship with your dad but I woudn’t have invited his cheating ass. But that’s me!
Anyway, it’s your wedding, not his, and he is a grown man to make his own choices! So let him not come and deal with the fallout! Enjoy the presence of your mother there, with no dramas! Becky can go take a hike!
I bet you she’s told your dad “no sexies if I can’t come” or no dinner or whatever it is she does for him
I would tell him that you want both of your parents at YOUR wedding. You mother will only attend if Becky, his affair partner is not there. You don’t want Becky there because she has been rude to you and your fiance, she is not invited.
Now he can either accpet that and attend by himself or he can choose not to attend and damage his relationship with you.
and you hope to see him at your wedding