The title says it. My boyfriend doesn’t make me horny anymore. I have an ok libido though, I get very sexual dreams as well and wake op horny. So that means I’m still being able to get horny lol. The sex with my boyfriend is fine, but most of the time I’m not that horny during it. He can make me cum and such. But… the horny feeling just isn’t there ;( I love my boyfriend alot and intent to stay with him. He gets really aroused by me, but is very polite and not really dominant and assertive.
I get aroused by dominance and assertiveness, and men that act more ‘beastly’ I guess. I’ve told my boyfriend these preferences many times, but (obviously) he can’t change his personality in bed like that…. So now I’m feeling nearly zero sexual attraction towards him…
I don’t want to break up with him since he’s the love of my life, but I’m really clueless what to do!!
39 comments
You’ve communicated your desire and intentions, that’s a first step but there are many more after that. What kinks get his rocks off?
Sex therapist would be the best solution for you. Obviously you have to go there together.
Sexual incompatibility is a fair reason to end a relationship. Or open it up to other partners. If you’ve communicated what you need and he’s not capable of giving it to you, there isn’t much else you can do.
So you’re not actually attracted to him, you just like what he provides for you basically? You like having him around and its convenient for you to do so. However, there is no sexual attraction. Love = lust, attraction, and companionship. It sounds like you have one element down, but the lack of the other two will lead to hardship. Breakup and find someone who gives you flutters.
I have a few questions actually. So does he stimulate your mind or mentally arouse you ? When you share what you feel with him or want to feel with him how does he respond ?
This is a difficult situation. You have the love part, but the chemistry part seems to be missing.
Feeling nearly “zero sexual attraction towards him” is certainly not a good thing for your long term prospects of being together.
However, love is a great binder, so the chemistry part may be something you two can work on.
Perhaps try some role-playing that puts him in character as someone who’s more dominant, or something along those lines.
Since you’ve been communicating what you want, that isn’t the problem, and you shouldn’t try to “change” someone you love if he fulfills you in every other way.
This may be something you both need to speak to a counselor about – perhaps they can offer more professional, practical advice that you won’t get on a Reddit sub.
Best of luck to you both!
How old are the two of you and how long have you been together?
I’ll probably get downvoted, but this happens in every relationship at some point. Humans aren’t truly monogamous by nature, they’re socially monogamous, meaning they typically choose a life partner to “love-bond” with but continue to have sexual interest in others. Research it.
I just wonder how you could be initially aroused if he never was assertive nor dominant. If he has always been like that, what else changed?
More than likely this relationship isn’t going to work. Once the spark is gone , it doesn’t come back. Hate to be the messenger of bad news but ….. start looking for a more compatible partner.
I saw a comment just before you deleted it where you mention that he is really dependent on you since you moved together. Here is the comment I was writing in response:
Are you doing most of housework or any other adult responsabilities? Maybe you assumed a “mom role” and now you see him as a child that you are taking care of instead of your equal partner.
This is a really common problem that it’s known to kill most of women’s libido…
Let me know if you want that I delete my comment since you deleted yours
Have you thought about opening things up – like swinging/poly/hotwife? Just a thought. It can add a tremendous amount of sexual energy while still being in a loving relationship with him. It might turn him on in a whole new way too
Eventually you will resent the whole thing. If he’s not willing to try to give you what you need sexually, it won’t end well.
You’re both submissive, and he’s not able or willing to change that. It just sounds like plain and simple incompatibility
I don’t think it’s fair to him for you to stay in this relationship knowing full well you aren’t sexually aroused by him
Okay I will say what in my experience is true, although is not the common opinion about this matter. I believe unless you are under 30, that the most important elements for a relationship to work, to be worth compromising for, is love, admiration, affection and emotional bonding. Without those I’m sorry you just don’t need a relationship, you better off single and to have sex for sex. It is impossible to ask for Endless sexual passion without boredom in a long term relationship, humans are not like that. You would be bored of your favorite food if it was the only thing you eat everyday. So try and spice up the recipe. I wouldn’t trade true love and stability for a perfect sex. As long as sex is fine is enough
My GF and I are both kinda subs too. What we do is take turns in telling the other what to do. For example, I like it rough and she likes being told what to do, so I tell her to slap me (for example) or pull my hair, etc. Maybe that can work for you two too.
(Have a convo before tho, dont just do that)
I would definitely try to have another sit down & try to very thoroughly go through what exactly you need from him within your sex life & try to actively do things that he would like as well to be equal from that point onwards.
After that if he cannot be instructed through a particular process that you might think better this situation then it might be time to consider moving forward & onward as a relationship is also about commitment, compromise, communication, trust & understanding.
It can’t just be one sideded.
Girlfriend: “I want it rough now”
Me: I give it rough, 2 seconds into it she flinches about pain
Then I stop to not hurt her
Girlfriend: “why don’t you give it rough?”
That’s gotta suck, I’m very submissive and can’t imagine if my husband was submissive and less dominate in bed 😅you may need to talk to him about how you love him but you need him to try and be dominate. Be honest with him but continue to remind him that you love him, but it’s important to you. I’m not entirely sure how y’all will compromise but you will need to in order to get your drive back.
Watch the show “how to build a sex room” on netflix together. Should start a great conversation.
that’s a first step but there are many more after that.
Sexual compatibility is important. You two are not compatible.
You will both be miserable if you stay in this…..
>He gets really aroused by me, but is very polite and not really dominant and assertive.
You should tell him that.
>he can’t change his personality in bed like that…. So now I’m feeling nearly zero sexual attraction towards him…
start it off by talking dirty to him? When my wife and I were dating, I didn’t want to scare her off or come off weird so we had enthusiastic sex, but I would say fairly vanilla. When we got comfortable and became exclusive, she started saying things like “do you like this pussy?” etc. And without thinking, I always responded and it turned her on, making my rhythm aggressive and dominant. Of course, now that we’re married, I’d say thing like “this is my pussy” etc.
What I’m trying to say is maybe help lead it on and I’m thinking he’d follow suit.
spice up things, try something new. May be use some toys / try accessories such as handcuffs?
Love is always fleeting guys. It is the staying together that matters.
You’re just bored of him and looking for a new one?
Life is short. Move on and don’t waste both of your time. It is not fair on either of you. I am assuming you are early 20s
Since you are both subs, what do you think of adding a dominant party? They can make commands for either of you to do stuff to one another and add aggression into the room. Maybe a hands off dominatrix? I’m just throwing it out there. 😊
He absolutely can change his behavior in bed to arouse you and turn you on. You clearly love him. Talk to him.
Tell him “hey toss me around like a plaything” and have him check in with “yeah? You like that?”.
When he does something you enjoy YOU should be very vocal like “fuck yes that feels so good”.
Good luck, you’re a few simple tweaks and actually communicating away from the sex of your dreams with the man you love.
Tell him that you like the dominance and assertiveness! Make it a kinky thing don’t harm his feelings
maybe you guys need to spice things up and change your intimacy schedule. buy some lingerie or new toys or lube (I love Coconu). Amazon has it all so it will arrive discreet and you don’t have to physically go pick it up
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Maybe you don’t get him aroused? Maybe your emotions are your responsibility? Maybe he has nothing to do with your personal preferences. Maybe expecting him to change instead of you looking in the mirror will do more harm than good in the long run?
How would you feel if he had the same to say about you, as if he had no control over what turns him on.
Turn on some porn on in the back ground of the type you enjoy – mayb thatll 1.) Help your horniness, 2.) Teach him how to be more dominant (though it truly is a personality trait more than learned behavior), 3.) Bring back some intimacy into your sex life.
this will be fun, goin for popcorn, wait for me guys
Two choices, one tell him exactly what you are telling us. This way he can understand how serious this is. Maybe he can be more of what you are wanting.
Two, end it as fast as you can as to not cause more pain for both of you. This is a bad sign that things will not end nicely.
A psychologist should be sought either way to help both of you deal with this.
That’s rough. I suppose all you can do is sit him down, really emphasis why this is important, because it really is for a relationship, and see if you can make actionable plans to improve things.
My fiance and I both prefer being submissive too. Well at least that’s what arouses us both the most. But I love being dominant simply because of how much she loves it. It still turns me on, but regardless of that it’s a hell of a lot of fun just giving your partner the best experience you can. I even know how best to be dominant for her too because often it’s what I’d like.
Our solution is to take turns. It took her quite a while to become confident with it because like your partner it probably doesn’t come naturally, but she enjoys it more and more as she becomes more comfortable. Alcohol helps, good communication helps, having high affection for one another helps, and a solid mutual effort really helps.
You’ll probably need to help him out to begin with by telling him frustratingly explicitly what you want, and hopefully he’ll click on to it over time. Which sucks to begin with because part of the turn on, at least for me, is having someone want to treat you like that. But like i said, the more experience she has, and sees how much I enjoy it, the more she enjoys it. Then the more she enjoys it, the more I enjoy it. Think of it as an investment to future good sex.
And of course be willing to return the favor. Whenever I give her an amazing time, she can’t wait to return the favor and vice versa.
The most important thing is, is he willing to make an effort?
Communication is key.
An easy way around it, though…
Buy the game Monogamy.
It’s a board game that forces you to do new things throughout the game, either physically or to discuss.
It’s brilliant for getting the conversation flowing about kinks.
If he is told to be dominant even if it’s just doing something simple to you, make sure to voice ‘I fucking love it when you’re in control’ and grab his hand and put it around your neck/ask him to spit in your mouth/tell him to fill you up etc or whatever you fancy.
> I get aroused by dominance and assertiveness, and men that act more ‘beastly’ I guess.
I’m sorry but this is a terrible description, hopefully you’ve told him not just what you want him to do, but what the mindset is you want him to have.
It’s difficult to disrespect somebody that you respect. It’s also difficult to realize that the person you love is sexually attracted to users and losers that you think are fucking assholes.