So my boyfriend and I like having abstract conversations about hypothetical situations, and during a recent discussion he said that if he had to get another girlfriend for whatever reason he would like her to be conservative and listen to his say in the major decisions.
We both recognized that I do not really fit this characterization (I’m definitely more stubborn and opinionated), but he kept trying to assure me that it’s okay, he accepts me for who I am, and ‘nobody is perfect.’ At the same time, this conversation did confirm that I am not his ideal girl; in the past he has also expressed that he wishes I were more flexible and compromising.
I felt that something about the conversation and what he said just felt off. Especially when he was describing how his ideal scenario during a major decision would be to discuss it and consider both sides but ultimately have the final say. I do not agree with his view on relationship dynamics even if this was just a hypothetical and he allegedly accepts me for who I am.
I also felt quite shocked when he revealed this as he is generally quite mellow and good at compromising. Something in my gut says this isn’t right. I’m not saying I won’t compromise but him implying that he wants to hold the power in the relationship (rather than focus on making his partner happy or finding a mutually beneficial arrangement) doesn’t sit right with me. It makes me feel really sad and almost even angry.
There were also other instances where he brought up examples of famous people (e.g Elon Musk / Jonah Hill) who were controlling to their girlfriends and while he didn’t express that he agreed with their behavior, he also didn’t condemn it either. Thoughts? Is this a red flag?
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I mean, no one is truly each other’s ideal person there are gonna be things you learn about people that don’t conform to what you want in a perfect partner. I think this is a good thing that your bf has been able to work through this expectation he has of an ideal woman and see you for who you are and love you. I don’t really see anything too wrong with this tbh.
I think it’s the way that this is being phrased, so you’ll need to clarify, but logically speaking an ideal partner would listen to their partner’s say in major decisions. That’s quite literally how healthy relationships should work. I’m assuming here that what he’s actually saying is that you blindly agree to his decisions with no input, because that’s how it’s being described, but you’ll have to confirm.
You being opinionated isn’t a problem. You’re entitled to it. You being stubborn? Well that all depends on why you’re being stubborn I suppose. As a different argument, if you never take his opinion into consideration, then you’d be the red flag. But again, you’ll have to confirm the facts here.
As it goes on, it does seem like you’re the issue here. The examples he brought up? He’s suggesting you’re Elon and Jonah.
OK I guess where I want to begin is in your final paragraph where you say he brought up people like Jonah Hill and the situation that they are currently in. You don’t specify anything any further. You don’t specify what position your partner has. All we have to go on is what you said earlier in your post. it is clear to me that your partner is looking for you to be more flexible and more understanding in the relationship. This doesn’t seem like it’s something that you want to do. You openly state several times in your description of events that he is consistent about being compromising. so no I don’t think he’s controlling. It’s not controlling of him to ask you to be more flexible. He is stating a problem in the relationship that he would like you to fix. He is not saying that women do not have opinions. He is not saying that he wants to control his partner. he is saying that he wants to have informed communication between himself and his partner in regards to decision making. There is nothing wrong with that. You should want that too.
It’s definitely not great, but there’s a saying: your first thought is what society has taught you. Your next thought and your actions are who you want to be. If he’s not acting on this fantasy, then you may find that’s enough to let this go. Sometimes you just wanna punch your boss in the face. It doesn’t mean you do it or that having the thought makes you an inherently violent person.
But also. Trust your gut. Respect your feelings. You don’t *have* to get over this. It may be that this is the beginning: maybe he admitted this to see how far he could start pushing to make his fantasy come true. If you’re just not gonna feel safe with him, then it’s best to leave.
“If someone shows their true face, you better believe them”
In a healthy relationship both partners have the same right of having the power to decide. This is why compromising is often the name of the game. He just stated that he is not interested in conpromissing and just wants his words to be the law.
He expects his lifepartner to be subbordinate to him and his views.
Just think about how this would play out if you marry him or have children with this guy.
This comes down to straight up controlling and abusive behaviour.
I think he said it in a not graceful way, but having compromises on big decisions in a long term relationship is necessary. I dont think that’s inherently conservative or a red flag but a part of a healthy long term relationship. Maybe he feels as if youre not compromising and he is doing most of the bending to your will, and he’s not happy with that. Have a proper open conversation about it with him. No hard feelings. He seems like he wants to discuss it anyways considering how this conversation unfolded. So best to get clarity from him
I guess he doesn’t want am unflexible partner who only likes him if he’s “mellow and compromising”, and maybe wants someone who treats him like a person and not a dog.
What does “stubborn and opinionated” even mean.
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He used a lot of words to say he wants a GF he can control.
It’s only a red flag if you don’t choose to live in a marriage with “male headship”.
Many people from different religions and cultures have the husband as the final decision maker (like a CEO).
If you aren’t in that type of religion or didn’t grow up in a family with that dynamic, then I advise you that it would be extremely difficult to adapt.
I grew up in a household like this and a religion like this, and I also chose to have a traditional Christian marriage, and I still had a bit of a hard time with it.
Something doesn’t feel right because it’s your gut telling you to run.