Always trying to be better makes me depressed because I am not there yet

9 comments

1. It’s the old adage of “The Journey is the Destination”. These silly sayings are things that are deeply wise, but cannot be taught. You have to learn it yourself even though you already knew the phrase.

   One thing that really helped me work towards deep happiness, was finding peace. Now I have peace and I protect it. My peace is my dog. My peace is walking by the water. My peace is knowing that I make the best decisions I can, and that alone makes me worthy. My peace is slowly building a life that I love. My peace is not chasing after love but letting it find me. My peace is the little moments I have with people. These are the things I live for and these are the things that make me happy.

   Also these goals and achievements are garbage. They’re all fake. Financial security? What if you get fired. What if you end up in the hospital and your money is depleted? A raise? Yes, a raise will let you live more freely and do more of the things you want to do. But are you doing the things you want to do that you have access to do now? Or are you just focusing on a future that isn’t real? Maybe you bust your ass and get a raise, maybe you bust your ass and get no raise. If you go in everyday and do the best work that doesn’t burn you out, that’s the only thing that matters. What’s the point of busting ass for a raise and then you’re too burnt out to live your own life?

2. I’m 41 and definitely in some sort of mid-life crisis situation. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been in crisis my whole life.

   I’ve always been bad at sports, kinda an introvert and never had any passions. I like things well enough, but I don’t really love anything or want to spent a bunch of time diving really deep. All my interests are relatively surface level.

   I was with a great woman for 8 years and our relationship ended for a variety of reasons. I have a house I am working on renovating, which is going pretty well, but I honestly don’t care all that much about it.

   I’ve traveled the world and that was fun, but it was always fleeting. I’ve always been pretty good looking, but at 41, I am definitely noticing changes.

   This past year, I feel like I’ve really worked hard at improving. I read a bunch of books about meditation, awareness, positive thinking, resolving trauma…I spent 30 days in a mental institution for mental rehab, I’m in AA/recovery and go to meetings daily, I walk my dogs and ensure they are cared for. I do outreach in AA and help other people.

   At the end of the day though, life feels really flat and like I’ve never enjoyed it or fit in and I never will enjoy it or fit in. At some point, it becomes exhausting having tried and tried and tried while never reaching any peace or joy.

   What do I do now? I’m going to start taking classes, one a week and see who I meet or if any interest sticks. I’m going to get my bike fixed and start biking into work and see how that goes.

   My ex and I are in couples counseling and if we decide to move on, I’m going to hit the dating scene.

   In some ways, I think I am just lonely and really want someone in my life that fits how I live my life. I’ve always been a bit weird and never wanted kids, so I want to find someone that aligns with that.

   All this rambling is to say…who knows what the answers are. Try a lot of different things, get into therapy, find ways to help other humans, always be learning and improving and hopefully something will stick someday.

   As far as accomplishments go? I never cared much about that, I make about 150k a year in tech and that is fine with me, I have zero career aspirations and focusing on my career has never interested me as a life goal.

3. Yes I’ve absolutely experienced this.

   In my early and mid 20s, I was hell-bent on succeeding and had set a lot of lofty goals and achievements I wanted to hit by XYZ age or XYZ date.

   Even if I was progressing towards achieving them it frustrated the hell out of my me, I started to lose myself a little bit in it, became obsessed over it in an unhealthy way, and I kind of lost sight on other things important to me. It got worse the closer I got because I was so fucking close but felt far away.

   What really helped me change perspective was stepping back, recognizing how far I progressed, and more importantly taking the time to celebrate the small wins rather than focusing solely on the endgame or comparing myself to where others are because that doesn’t matter.

   I mean it’s small shit like “I got up and made my bed today, hell yeah!” And telling myself “I’m better today than I was yesterday” and allowing myself to feel that sense of accomplishment and look at building towards my goal brick by brick not only helped me feel more fulfilled but helped push me forward towards the things I want to accomplish.

   In all I’m 28 now I ended up hitting all of my goals and accomplishments(except get married, got that one locked down in November) , I ended up hitting loftiest one two years early this spring. In all honesty, it wasn’t that exciting. I’m more appreciative of the journey to get there rather than actually reaching it and I don’t find myself yearning for more and I’m more relieved the chase is over lol.

   Best of luck to you!

4. Compare your slef to who you were yesterday not who you want to be tomorrow.

5. I feel some of this;

   Hard part for me is, my dad was a VERY successful business man in our small town. Well known, well respected and frankly, a great person.

   The sticking point is, when he began his exit/retirement process, I had only been at the company 5 years, in the office for 1. I was new. Learning. Had just got married and in all, wasn’t sure this was the career path for me.

   That said, he offered ownership to myself, my brothers who are significantly older than me as well as to other trusted office staff-also older than me. He never pulled me aside and gave me fatherly advice-looking back I wish he had.

   Fast forward now, my brother is an owner with a couple partners-I passed on ownership but am still employed here and I’m getting better every day. Will I ever have ownership? Doubtful. Which means I’ll likely never make “big bucks.” Compare that to living in my dads shadow, having my older brother be my boss and constantly comparing my life to those around me-it doesn’t take much for me to feel like a failure.

   But…I have tons of freedom at work. I like and respect my bosses and they treat me well. I coach high school sports which brings me an immense sense of pleasure, gratitude and joy. But most of all…it’s me. It’s become part of my identity. Not just so-and-so’s son. Or So-and-so’s little brother. I’m still those things, who is also a really good coach, who is respected by players and parents and is making a difference. I also have a great wife, kids, house and life. I’m happy.

   Its a work in progress, but I’m slowly realizing that comparing my life to those immediately around me is pretty damn toxic. And it does nothing be make me sad. My car isn’t as nice. My house isn’t as new, or big. I don’t have a boat and I’m not a member of the Country Club.

   BUT. My wife loves me and still has sex with me. My kids love me. My paycheck is still getting deposited and my 401k is growing at a rate that’ll allow me to retire a couple years early. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. But right now, it’s all good. As many said here…it’s a journey.

6. Yeah, I find it interesting that you’re equating “getting better” with external, primarily *financial* results. Certainly, in the world we live in financial “success” can mean a lot in having a more comfortable, stable life. I have an anxiety disorder, and one way it manifests for me is severe worry about financial security. I’m tremendously envious of people who can live without worrying about where the money comes from for next month (such as vagabonds or independent contractors). But that financial stability doesn’t by itself mean I’m better, or that I’m living the kind of life I want.

   Instead, think about internal, intrinsic measures of success. What skills are you learning to further your goals? What things are you doing to better the lives of those around you?

7. I think doing a once over your past/history really helps puts things into perspective.

   Pull out your tax filing from 5 years ago. Hopefully you’d made some significant gains there. Find the wins in your progression to the next step as honestly there can always be a next step if you choose to set it as a goal.

8. I feel exactly the opposite way from my continuous drive for self improvement, because it comes from comparison with my past self, not my future self, nor to anyone else. I feel pretty consistently good about myself because I’m almost always doing better than my previous self.

   Future me is hopefully way better than current me. I know current me is way better than past me, so I’m pretty confident that future me will be about as much better than me. I don’t need to worry about him too much other than making sure I’m taking care of him and giving him good positioning. If he’s so much better than me as to be ashamed of my level today, that is great, that means he’s absolutely killing it.

   One tangential important thing I’ve learned is to not talk about goals too much externally. Your brain books the dopamine from the win when you play it out too much in your mind, which saps the motivation to actually do the work, and can make you compare yourself to a nonexistent version of yourself in some alternative reality that does not exist. I know where I’m trying to go, but I don’t let myself feel like that goal is real until it is in the past, either realized or not.

   If I start from being a nobody and decide I want to go to mars, and I just go to the moon, I’m going to be stoked I made it to the moon, not sad I’m not on mars.

9. Comparison is the enemy of happiness. Nobody was born to win a race under arbitrary criteria we’ve built for ourselves. My father always tells me that the carpenter grabbing a beer with colleagues at the end of the day and getting home to family is probably happier than the CEO having to make countless decisions a day and having to make sure stakeholders are happy so he can keep his job.

   Please realize that only yourself define your happiness. The moment you start judging your own happiness based on what has been told you (since childhood) are the elements of happiness, you then live your life based on others’ standards. If a fish spends his life judging itself based on how much it can climb a tree, well…we really don’t have the same needs and desires.

   Practice writing down 3 things you’re grateful for at the end of the day. It could be as simple as not getting injured during a hard workout. We take so many things for granted and keep chasing for something else we don’t recognize the many good things happening to, for and around us. That alone hopefully will change your perspective and outlook on your own life.

   Godspeed!