I will start with the question, and the feeling, and they I will share the context about me, its very hard to articulate the answer, so maybe, just:
**How do I enjoy life?**
Here comes the context, long rant, I guess this is very common around here, apologies for my english, and thanks for reading if you do, its just an small vent.
I’m 29.5 years old male living in Spain, if you ask any of my friends, they would tell that I have everything you could wish for as a “normal” person, I guess I do, but they are not inside my brain and don’t know how void and shit I feel more often that I could like.
Family wise, a loving set of parents, always supportive, also I don’t have sister’s nor brothers, so I don’t even have the pressure to buy a house or anything, as all the real state they own will be mine one day.
Career wise, I’m currently making almost 200k a year as a remote Software Engineer, that may be not “much” in the US, but its absolutely crazy levels of money here in Spain for someone of my age. I have been a good saver, and I already have 150k in savings (this goes very long in Spain), and no debt whatsoever. As I’m living alone and renting a flat for myself in Barcelona I have cost of living of 2k-3k a month, but I could cut that as soon as I’m not making as much money (which will happen, the market was crazy this past years). And I have a passive income of 500eur monthly of an apartment I own (given) and rent to a friend.
I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I’m deep into strength and gym training, and sports in general, I was a bit chubby as teenager, but since I was 16 I have never stopped doing sport. I have competed (and won) in powerlifting, I even went as far as do steroids, I’m very fit, and I have a upper range “body” level I guess. Also, I just joined a weightlifting club to improve the c&j and snatch movements, I set an objective to have a 110kg c&j before the end of the year.
Friend wise, I’m from a very small town, here in Spain it may be different from the US in the sense that people tend to stick much more where they are born, so I still keep all of them there, or very close by, they are my all-time friends and always there if I need them really, but, as live has moved on, I did also, and outside of the context we both share, I don’t share anything with them anymore as we have a very different lifestyles. Being said that, I did made new friends (software engineers like me), even a new best friend right now, which we live close-by and we are building an startup together on our free time. Right now I’m living alone in Barcelona, far away of my “confort zone”.
I did travel, I went full digital nomad last year 1 month to Kenya, 1 month to Colombia… Amazing experiences. But I also don’t get the fulfillment or excitement most people seem to get from traveling etc… Its great, super anecdotes, great people, but not the end of the world.
Woman, relationships… it is probably where I mostly feel like a failure, and I’m ashamed on how I did behave with some of them. For context I grew very lonely (Heavy video game player/computer geek), not weird-kind-of as I liked sports, outdoor activities… I was tan and fit, but always super lonely, not good at all at making and keeping friendships and absolutely abysmal at dealing with woman. I lost my virginity at 21 or 22, since then, the longest relationship I had was like 1 year long, the first and probably the one that I handled better, after that I did become a heavy tinder user, and the longest I have been its 5 months, lots of ghosting, even cheating, dating woman which I didn’t even really like, dating woman that didn’t want to commit with me but I was there stuck like a dog, woman who cheated on me. I have been clean of dating apps for more than 3 months now, and I’m currently having fun (not committed) with a beautiful woman and she really likes me. Any way, at this point, I have fucked a fuck-ton of hot woman, and I have the validation that I am “attractive” to them, I don’t need to prove anything any more regarding this.
I would really like to be able to have a deep and fulfilling relationship, and have children, but I feel like I never been able to have that, I will never have.
I could go on on and on, but overall, I think I should feel very grateful with my life, I’m at the best moment I have ever been, my 20 year old virgin, could have never imagined myself at 29, yet I don’t seem to feel that joy or fulfillment, I just joined a weighlifting club and I fucking love it, while there are thinks that I like (hiking, nature, mountain, strength training), more and more and more, I feel void and empty, and when this happens I fall into recurring thoughts about failed relationships (my last failed one) or any other pessimistic issue imaginable.
I understand that there is not a magic button, or a magic phrase, maybe venting just helps, maybe people can give me their perspective, my intention is not to compare with anyone, it’s just that objectively I have plenty of good things happening and yet I feel void.
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