My Girlfriend (F21, straight) and I (M20, straight) are in a pretty happy relationship. We’ve been dating for more than 2 years, and have been each others firsts for many things. We’re both relatively successful in our respective fields. Despite the occasional argument, I’d say we’re alright. We both love each other quite a bit, though I will say my girlfriend is a little insecure. She worries that I’ll cheat on her, and that she isn’t good enough. I’ve tried explaining to her that I love her and only her, but it’s def hard to reassure her.
A little bit of pretext: We have had a relatively vanilla love life up until this point. My girlfriend definitely has some role play and spanking kinks, but pretty standard stuff. Now, while I haven’t told her, I’m very much into the idea of group sex, or at least having sex while other people have sex nearby. Although I’m not sure, I think I would be into swinging. This is a pretty big fantasy of mine, but I haven’t ever revealed this to her. Other than this, we’re both pretty vanilla.
A couple of days ago, we went down to a beach nearby. However, while at the beach my girlfriend made a joke about how it would be hot to go to a nudist beach. I laughed, but I could sense that she seemed like she actually wanted to. I told her that I was surprised to hear that, because I thought it would be pretty hot as well. We talked more about it, and agreed that having sex on a nudist beach would be extremely hot. She even went on to say she’d like it if other people watched. The whole convo was mind boggling, considering how vanilla she usually is. We then fucked in the car, before driving home.
A day or two later, my girlfriend and I were in our car, and the topic of porn randomly came up. She knows that I’ve watched porn in the past. However, she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want us watching porn while we’re in a relationship. Additionally, before this she had told me she had never watched porn. While we driving, she (unexpectedly) told me that she had watched porn in the past. I jokingly told her that she had never told me this. She was surprised and said that there was no way she hadn’t mentioned it. She hen told me that she found it crazy how fat the dicks were in porn and was glad my dick wasn’t like that. Now, at this point I was pretty surprised, because I’d never heard this side of my girlfriend. She then told me the types of porn she watched (stepmom, etc.). Hearing her say all of this was wild, to say the least.
Now, fast forward to today. We’ve spent most of the afternoon-evening after work arguing. At night we cool things down, and figure out our problems. After some lovey-dovey stuff, we start having sex. Genuinely, we’re having some of the best sex of all time. Now, as I mentioned earlier, having sex near other people having sex has been a fantasy of mine. Also, with her recent sexual openness, I figured that we could try something new. So while she gives me head, I find a video of an orgy and play it in the background. I set the phone down. At this point, we can’t see the video though (we’re just hearing the sound). She seems like she’s enjoying it so we continue. After about a minute, she asks if I want to watch porn with her. I’m fully down, so we start. We continue to fuck. The feeling of doing something so taboo was crazy, and it felt really really good.
Suddenly, my girlfriend stops. She tells me she doesn’t feel if anymore. She said she felt like what we were doing was wrong. I asked her if I did something wrong; she told me no, but explained that while it was really hot, she felt bad looking at other people. She also asked if I watch porn by myself, to which I replied no. She didn’t really seem to believe me. She then went to sleep.
I feel really bad about the whole situation, and I’m not sure what to do. I want to ensure that she understands that she doesn’t feel bad about asking to/watching porn during sex. I also want her to know that watching porn together doesn’t mean that I love her any less. How can I go about doing these things?
Update: Talked to her about in the morning. She mentioned that she felt weird about watching the video because it was too much. She told me that when we’re being intimate, she wants the focus on us. I apologized to her for bringing up the whole thing. She mentioned that she enjoyed hearing other people, but seeing it made her feel like she was being unfaithful. She said that she felt guilty stopping, since she was the one who had asked to watch porn.
I told her that it was completely fine for her to think this way, and that we don’t need to do use any of the porn stuff. I also told her that she shouldn’t feel guilty just for trying out something new. I’ve reassured her that her body is enough for me, and that I don’t want anything else. I also explained to her how our experience together was my first time watching porn during our relationship.
I also told her that we should maybe dial down on the nudist beach ideas and stuff, and keep it vanilla (Shoutout to the folks that pointed out that nudist beaches aren’t public lewdness beaches lmao). She agreed. I think we both think that some of these things might be hot, but I don’t think we’re ready for that right now, especially in terms of insecurity.
I think we’re at a good place now. Thanks for the input everyone.
(Final) Update 2:
Added as a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/14xjcxy/my_m20_girlfriend_is_f21_upset_after_asking_to/jrrrcwr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) and [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/14ycrm8/update_my_m20_girlfriend_is_f21_upset_after/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1). Thanks again everyone.
47 comments
So you started playing the video before of after she spoke about watching it together?
Maybe she liked the idea but when she actualy tried it wasnt same as she imagine that. Watching porn can also bring up a lot of insecurities and can be also distracting when you have sex together.
I would say try small steps, try that nudistic beach but no sex there. Unless she will initiate. And be carefull, just because you can be naked there doesnt mean its legal to have sex there.
Yea, looks to me like you just went too fast. She opens up a little so you floor it, going 70 in a 30. Look man, p0rn has levels to it right? Orgy is like a 7-8/10. Could have started with some more timid stuff first. If someone shows interest in lifting weights with you, do you hit them with a 2x bodyweight squat on their first day? Train her up man, take your time, let her have more initiative, let her chose one for the next session.
Also don’t feel too guilty or ashamed, she misjudged her limits and ability, you went full depraved, whatever. Next time, fuck her missionary for the sole purpose of reproduction, ya sick fuck, and be extra lovey dovey vanilla with kisses, then go from there.
I am also insecure about my boyfriend watching porn, so I think I understand this. For me, porn shouldn’t be consumed individially while in a relationship, but the idea of watching something erotic or even porn together sometimes turns me on. However, it may not have been like she had imagined, and maybe she was insecure thinking that you liked those women’s bodies more than hers.
You should ask her if she enjoyed it or not, but ir probably made her feel insecure. You could try watching movies with sexy scenes instead of explicit porn, or something that is more focused on men than women if you are okay with that.
Stop watching porn whilst having sex with your GF. Take this topic completely off the table.
Have a conversation with her to understand what her comfort level is at. Something is uncomfortable for her, and it could be the idea that you’re more into porn than being into her.
You are both still very young. It is very common for someone to have a fantasy, try it out a little bit, then get a little icky or freaked out or turned off and decide they didn’t like it and don’t want to do it again.
A tip: Always take small steps when trying something new sexually, no matter how excited you or your girlfriend are about it. The fantasy is always different from the reality, and you will both be surprised by your emotions when it comes to different sexual things.
Did you ask her directly if you could put porn on while she went down on you? Or did you just turn it on assuming she would like it? If you didn’t ask this is not consensual. It also kinda sounds like she is just saying these things /going along for you and not her. I don’t like this.
So while she gave you head you picked up your phone without communicating what you are doing? ( totally disrespectful)
Than you played porn without discussing if that is something she wants to do ( totally non consenual)
You disrespected her at least twice and are wondering why she doesn’t want to keep going?
She deserves better!
If someone asked me that during sex I’d be upset thinking I’m not good enough for my partner, maybe that’s what was happening with your gf
If you spent as much time learning about each others body, likes and dislikes and tried new things slowly, you wouldn’t need porn.
Porn is unrealistic a gymnast can barely hold those positions, and the normal person has a gag reflex… or how about “you first” for every new thing you wanna try.
Porn will also eventually become unsatisfactory to you.
Also if you use it to
“get off” you may experience issues in the future.
Invest in learning about the female body and you’ll have an adventurous wet suxual future!!
Everyone is focusing on the porn, so I’ll leave that part alone. Just a word of advice – nude beaches aren’t sex clubs, please don’t engage in sexual activity where non-consenting people are watching. If you want to be watched you need to find a situation where all the “watchers” have agreed to it.
A better approach would be selecting a porn movie together and watching it together. This could be an opener for a discussion which features and techniques you or one of you likes or dislikes. So you come to know each other better. Assumption is replaced by certainty.
Wait, you decided to watch porn WHILE she was giving you a BJ? Without discussing this with her beforehand? Oh no. No no no. And it sounds like you, and only you, decided on the porn video? And decided, of all the options, to watch an orgy video? Dude….. 🤦♀️
Fake af
So basically you agreed not to watch porn in your relationship after your gf asked you not to, and then you opened a porn video while she was giving you head.
I am surprised you’re not ex to be honest.
Dude you should have let her pick the porn. And you opened with the most intense nasty shit probably. And the fact you went right to it, she’s not stupid, she knows you watch and enjoy that without her. Just be honest and tone things down.
please dont go to nude beaches with that mindset
Don’t have sex on a nude beach. That’s not what they are for. They are for nudists. People who want to be naked in public but still respecting other people by only doing it in places where it’s allowed.
And it’s probably most old people anyway. And people of all different shapes and sizes (bodies) not like porn at all.
Bro its one or the other. Porn is an awful slippery slope of perversion and addiction that will rob u of strength time joy love and money….and ur girl too. Keep ur girl. Ditch the porn. Listen to her
Yeah, I dunno. I wouldn’t sexualize nudist beaches, it’s creepy and inappropriate and if you go you’re going for the wrong reasons.
I have to point out she might have some values that society or a parent put on her that makes her question the morality of her desires. She’ll grow out of it eventually, hopefully. Just take it slow. Sounds like you are, but also maybe be open with her about wanting to have sex with other people or in groups? This is something that eventually if she’s not down with and you get the urge as time goes by that can ruin a relationship with resentment building from either person. Sounds like you’re ok now tjo
stop being an idiot and watching too much porno. you are gonna fuck it up.
You are hiding your kinks from her, then springing them on her and others without consent. No wonder she wanted to stop. It’s also a good way to wind up on a sex offender registry.
You need to talk to her. You need to be honest about what you want with group sex / swinging / being watched. It’s not fair to let her invest years into a relationship, then spring a big sexual incompatibility. It’s also not fair to hide what you want but wind up resentful. It’s really not fair to hide what you want and spring it in her during sex.
Likewise, do not engage in any exhibitionism without everyone consenting. Randos at the beach don’t want to watch you fucking. If you are into that stuff, join a sex club or swingers group. If you pulled that nonsense at the nude beach near me, the regulars would call the cops on you.
RemindMe! 1 Month
A nude beach ain’t a place to have sex….. go find somewhere everyone wants to watch…… also you already answered like a true champ in the latest paragraphs
Definitely don’t ever swing, you both aren’t capable of that at all. You hide things from each other so you will never be able to do that lifestyle without the jealousy
This is dumb.
didn’t he say she liked stepmom porn and stuff like that and he puts on an orgy??
There are enough helpful comments already, but I just wanted to say this. Nudist beaches have NOTHING to do with sex. There are families with children there. If you ever go, please do not have sex on that beach!!!
Please don’t ever go to a nudist beach. They aren’t there for your sexual gratification and its totally shitty for you to want to try it for real.
And you say you will dial it back but not that you won’t do it at all. That is just asshole behavior and you would deserve to get kicked out for that.
Lol I like that random detail in the 3rd paragraph ab you guys banging in the car before going home. So random
oh hell nah
Very strange of you ngl.
Wow, now I can definitely see why she’s insecure you’ll cheat on her.
I know this has been updated and all is good.
Just a warning from someone with experience that a fantasy is sometimes better as a fantasy. Be really careful pushing boundaries, you can often easily go somewhere that can’t be walked back.
There’s a lot of ways to safely explore this kink without actually involving other people and just exploring the fantasy in a way that doesn’t push it.
Yall just kinda seem young, dumb, and naive, and are going through the normal motions of figuring out what you like. I wouldnt put this much pressure on it. Try to enjoy this process, and dont let the internet in to ruin it before you have a chance to get there yourself. I get the sense that, as someone who wants to “be watched,” that you took a lot of enjoyment typing certain parts of this out for an audience. While this sub is sex positive, people will see through that pretty quickly. Its not a sub to post in just to get your rocks off, either.
Honestly don’t blame her sounds like you made her insecure, id suggest a very open and honest conversation around boundaries ect.
Don’t turn on porn during sex. Unless you ask about it before. You’re supposed to show her that shes enough and you aren’t distracted. You offended her that’s why she stopped. She’s already insecure and also feels or felt bad about porn, restricting you from watching..yet she watches. Don’t lie about it either. She’ll grow to learn porn is alright and you still are attracted to her. Always ask before you try a new thing during sex. Mention it when you’re not in the bedroom, casually, and see how she reacts. Also good luck on convincing her to be a swinger, she’s already insecure, this will 100% make it worse. Think of fantasies that she can fulfill.
Dude know the difference between a fantasy and reality. I may say thing like let’s have a threesome or group sex in the moment but that’s all it is, it’s not an invitation to ask someone to join. Sure some people do that but at age 20 and 21 it’s shouldn’t be what you want. Enjoy each other, you don’t need porn or an audience to do that
Actually INSANE to just grab your phone and start playing porn while having sex
So wait, you put porn sounds or the sound of porn only… WITHOUT asking her first? That’s weird. You should’ve ask her first. Like, “hey what do you think about playing some porn/orgy videos (sounds only) in the background. We don’t have to watch it. Just to listen?” No wonder she got weirded out.
Kinda sounds like she is super uncomfortable with porn and your constant conversations about orgies, public sex, and being watched wore her down to the point of her actually agreeing to fuck while watching porn. Find someone whose into what you’re into and stop breaking her boundaries down slowly.
Well take it from me a widow- my husband was so addicted to porn I could NOT measure up to a porn star no matter what we did 🫤 just saying. Either get into her without added pleasure or move on it means u don’t like her enough OR you have to have the endorphins from the porn you have to have it as a turn on to perform? Be in the moment with the person as your physical lover- make her feel wanted romantically and passionately. Plus you benefit as well.
Porn has rotted your brain
Lol it’s the fact that you think because people are nude on a beach that it’s “okay” to have sex in front of them & that’s not at all what a nudist beach is about whatever for me.
Also, you turned on the porn without asking her if it’s okay to do so. It doesn’t matter that you discussed porn at another time. Seems she tried to continue tho uncomfortable & ultimately & finally told you she wasn’t into it.
Always ask/discuss first before introducing new things. It’s a no-brainer.
You 100% should have asked her before just turning on a video while she’s giving you head. Communication is key.
No 21 and 20 year olds are well respected in their fields unless their field is retail or onlyfans.
(Final) Update 2:
Reading through your guys’ comments earlier made me feel pretty bad about having done something without explicitly asking her. So I talked to her about it after work, and I apologized for the fact that I put on the sounds without telling her before. She told me that she wasn’t really upset with the fact that I put on sex noises. She explained that she only felt bad that she was giving me head while I was on my phone— so she thought I wasn’t enjoying the head. She said that once she understood what happened, she didn’t quite care.
She then asked me if I had anything else I wanted to tell her. I told her no. She asked if there was anything on Reddit. Long story short… she had somehow checked my phone and found the post. She told me that she thought the fact that I posted about the issue, asking for help, was sweet. I was worried that she might be offended at the kinks I had talked about.
She told me that she thought that the idea of watching porn during was something that she found hot, but she felt weird admitting it, thinking that I might judge her or something. Additionally, last night she felt like everything was too sudden, and she wasn’t sure whether I would judge her for enjoying the porn. After reading about my kinks, though, she said felt a lot easier talking about it. We had a lengthy conversation, where we addressed pretty much everything, from insecurities to kinks, in which she told me that she found the idea of group sex/exhibitionism to be something really hot as well. She also said that the only thing she was offended about was the fact that I called her vanilla in the post lol. She said she wanted to try adding porn during sex.
After we talked, she wanted to try again. We used your guys’ suggestions and found videos we both liked and had “some of the hottest sex of her life” (her words). Overall, and somewhat surprisingly, we both feel a lot happier with each other and lot more secure in our relationship. Thanks for the comments everyone.