I (24F) recently had a conversation with my partner (24M) over him distancing himself emotionally. We recently had a baby and have been busy with school and work and now the new baby. He doesn’t normally open up and usually isn’t honest when he does. However, this time was different. He explained to me that although he loves me he wishes we never got together and hadn’t had our daughter. He says he feels that he was never ready for any of it. After a long talk he admitted to me that he really needed time to be single but feels that he no longer can now that we have a child. We continued to talk and he wants an open relationship and to occasionally mess around with other people. I (24F) am trying to be understanding, and suggested that we separate if we need to but that I didn’t want that. When I brought up the idea he said that he couldn’t see himself without our family but feels like it’s best to occasionally mess around with other people. I’m struggling with postpartum depression with understanding that it’s not my fault. I can’t see myself happy in a open relationship, I’m not sure I can stay with someone who feels they need more people in our relationship.
29 comments
Tell him the streets are open,
Surprise poly is sorta like surprise bears, both fuck up a good time.
Ummmm wow hard no. I’m sorry but he’s being incredibly selfish by wanting to cheat. This man doesn’t seem to love or respect you by saying that’s what he wants. I’m so sorry about that but it’s true. A man who does wants to stay in the relationship and make it work and it’s natural bc of the love that is there. I wouldn’t allow yourself to be subjected to him cheating and possibly passing you an STD. Let alone the emotional trauma that may cause you and stress. If this were me I would say then we have to separate you cannot have me and other women. Period. Know your worth and set healthy boundaries. You’re worth a man who won’t do that to you. Also to add he has a lot of maturing to do because you stated he’s usually not honest. Just all around not a good partner to be with.
If you have a child together, it is all in or all out. If he is confused and wants to mess around with other people…why do you still want to be with someone like that?! Love and respect yourself to have a mature relationship with your partner. He does not sound like a partner.
I am sorry that he ended up not being the partner you want and need. I hope you find someone who can treat how you deserve!
I’m sorry but this is absolutely disgusting. You just had his child and you are going through postpartum depression and his first idea is to suggest an open relationship?!?! Leave him please. He sounds selfish and very immature. I’m so sorry you are going through this during what is supposed to be a happy time. Please stand your ground on the no open relationship part and seriously consider leaving him.
nope
unless you are 1000% down to open up the relationship DO NOT DO IT.
Make it clear that this isn’t how relationship with YOU works, and he should he should have discussed his desires to be non-monogamous BEFORE entering into a relationship.
He may end up not staying (and trust, he likely isn’t going to because you aren’t giving him free rein. Question, in his mind of opening the relationship, he’s cool with YOU also dating/fucking other people? Doubtful but hey, i’ve been wrong once or twice).
IF this ends the relationship do NOT let him shirk on co-parenting and child support (if it is required in the coparenting agreement). He might not be “ready for all this” but, he’s a dad. He doesn’t get to run away.
Also when ever I am depressed, it never crossed my partner mind… “you know what would help? A open relationship”
Please don’t try poly/open relationships for this reason. The way to know if you’re okay with polyamory is to ask two questions:
1. Are you okay with seeing your partner date other people?
2. Would your partner be okay with seeing you dating other people?
If the answer isn’t an enthusiastic yes to both, polyamory isn’t a good choice.
So I’d recommend you tell him you’re not looking for polyamory and that separation is probably the best option. And if he backtracks and swears he doenst want to leave you and will be monogamous, be very cautious. I’d consider him high risk to cheat.
I’m sorry.
This is a terrible idea on his part.
Open relationships, or ethically non monogamous relationships aren’t a fix. They aren’t band aids to make up for lost youth. They’re lifestyles. And if you’re not interested in that lifestyle, then it’s not for you. End of discussion.
I’m sorry that he feels like he wasn’t ready to have kids, and that he wishes he could date other people and have more of those experiences. I really am. I know you’ve lost out on similar experiences too. But the fact of the matter is, you have a kid. You’re both parents now and raising this daughter what life is about now. If he can’t deal with that, then you need to break up with him. If he really can’t see himself without you, then I don’t know why we’re talking about this.
He has two choices. He can be in this relationship, and live with you and your child. And you all can work towards building a better life. Or he can be out. He can move out, and see his child on prearranged visits. A lot of people are great parents even though they split from their partners. He needs to know though that if he wants to separate, you’re not automatically going to be around when he wants to come back. If he’s going to be single, so will you. And if you find someone you like better, then that’s all there is to it.
And I hate to say this… but if he’s having this conversation already… I suspect there’s somebody he has his eye on already.
He wants to shop around for your replacement. If you aren’t down for that, don’t say yes. Look into coparenting.
If you do, prepare for your relationship to end anyways.
It doesn’t fix a broken thing, it makes it worse. Especially when not everyone is enthusiastic.
That said, it was the best thing that ever happened to me with my ex. He forced the open relationship, I caved to it when i didn’t want to, he went to go flirt with all my friends, I went to my best friend for comfort, wham bam I left the first man. My ex tried to close the relationship as soon as he realized I had found some happiness and he wasn’t “baggin” chick’s like he thought he would.
So… take from that what you will.
It is def time to talk to an attorney and formally set up child support, even if you guys live together.
Look, my wife and I have an open relationship, we have kids and a normal life, and it works for us with our specific rules etc etc etc. Swinger parties are fun. Understand that as the context of what I’m about to say.
– you just gave birth to his child and are depressed. Now is not the time to be focusing our energy on others. Babies are a LOT. You need some sleep, and the economics of being a young person are often cruel.
Your boyfriend is being a jerk. Your idea that he can either commit to being a good father, or don’t let the door smack your ass on the way out is SPOT ON.
Maybe get some therapy too, so you can discuss how to advocate for yourself and set appropriate boundaries.
This guy is showing some red flags.
Im sorry to hear this and i know a bunch of randoms are only trying to understand your relationship throught what you wrote. So heres another randoms thought and no filters….hes already cheating on you. And hes throught out the word love to you but really only loves himself and his needs. He’s comfortable where hes at… a place to come home to…and thats not okay for you or your daughter really. But you have to be there for you, because hes not there for either of you, and you know this already. No one likes a break up and the hopes of itll work out. But its not he’ll grow to resent you and his daughter. Sorry, but give him the door.
I’m sorry he is putting you through this during postpartum. You have plenty to deal with physically and emotionally becoming a parent, you have PPD and he decides to tell you he wants a free pass for cheating?
Tell him no.
You are going to have to break up unless he comes to his senses. Right away.
This may be overwhelming, but you will be able to handle breaking up and figuring out how to move forward. You’ve already accomplished so much with pregnancy and being a mom. You can do hard things and you will get through this and be confident and happy and things will be ok!!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO BUT I STILL KNOW THAT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THAT IT CAN WORK IF BOTH PEOPLE ARE NOT COMPLETELY INTO AND COMFORTABLE WITH IT
AND SORRY ABOUT THE CAPSLOCK AND LACK OF PUNCTUATION THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY CHROMEBOOK IM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT
Do you want to be cheated on? He’s literally telling you he’s going to cheat.
Hard NO you just had his baby and now he wants to ditch you to do all the hard work, while he finds someone else to fuck and leave you for? He should have done his soul searching BEFORE he knocked you up, and he should have strongly suggested for an abortion/had better protection if he did not want to be “tied down”. OP, he doesn’t want you anymore now that he has responsibility for you, please leave him if you can, and start making plans if you can’t
Get rid of this cunt
u literally had a child wtf is wrong with him???
No. He wishes he wasn’t with you, and he’s emotionally distant? Open relationships require communication and trust. Open relationships require someone to still fill their other partners’ needs. He has no interest in doing that. He doesn’t even want to be there. If he needs this so badly, break up, get a lawyer, and figure out support and custody. If you both (keyword: both) want to stay together, counseling stat, and he needs to shut down open relationship conversations.
Also, you have a newborn? Ain’t nobody got time to find new partners with a kid under 3, some even say 5. If he has time, he’s failing you and your kid.
He just wants an excuse to have his cake and eat it too. Tell him it’s either he commits to you and only you, or he can leave and find someone else who’s into that stuff.
Wow you landed yourself a real prize with this one. Cut your losses. You need a man in your life and what you have is a boy.
Hes already cheating. You never ask for a open relation ship…. AFTER it started as a closed one.
Get your self a STD/I screening and set up threw a lawyer the Child Support. Regardless if you can “do it on your own” Your Child deserve the money that their father would have provided should they have been in their life.
Sounds like child support would be a greater help than this fuckwad.
Open relationships are not for everyone, i do think they are a great lifestyle for some people. They are definitely NOT for couples where they think they shouldn’t be together in the first place or one person doesn’t want the arrangement. He’s put you into a very difficult situation because he doesn’t know what he wants. If he feels he doesn’t think the two of you should have ever gotten together then there’s the answer. Not an open relationship. OP I hope you find the love and respect you deserve, which can totally be in an open relationship, just not this one. You deserve so much better and he should be concentrating on you and the baby at this point.
He doesn’t want an open relationship, he wants your permission to have an affair. He wants to have sex with someone else, probably a specific someone, and have you sign off on it.
That’s it.
Honestly I would leave him. It sounds like he feels trapped in a relationship he doesn’t want, which is going to take its toll on you regardless of an open relationship. I would also suspect that he is going to be with others regardless of you knowing about it.
My ex asked for the same things after we had our kid, and because I was scared to move on while knowing we had a kid. I agreed to an open relationship. Even though I was unsure about it. I was 25 years old and truly wanted a family, to get married and fulfill all of those dreams. I couldn’t imagine being a single mom at the time. I didn’t want to imagine a life where my child had to visit his parents separately. I also didn’t know what kind of man I would find later on as a single mom. These insecurities led me to tell him that we could have an open relationship. It didn’t save my relationship and it didn’t save my family. Instead I gave up my strong belief in monogamous relationships. Just to give my partner a way out of feeling “trapped” in his new life, and to make him feel better about settling down too fast. Which btw he was the one who asked for a kid first. So he was overall really selfish. Which is what your boyfriend is being. Take it from someone who has been there. You’re gonna want to stick with your values on this one. If you’re unsure about it, it means deep down you didn’t picture a life where you practiced polyamory. I have nothing against a polyamorous relationship. But these things need to be brought up before children are in the picture. As there needs to be boundaries put in place to make the children involved to feel safe and comfortable about the situation too. Also a polyamorous relationship allows for both partners to be actively seeking other companionship. My friends who have these relationships never feel like it’s one sided. They never feel like there are secrets between them. They are also the primary partner. Which means whatever rules are placed are there to make the primary and any children involved as the number one priority. That means the other side companions need to be mature and respectful enough to handle that. It also means your boyfriend has to selfless enough to follow and enforce those boundaries and rules too. It’s rare that people can navigate around a relationship like that without someone getting hurt. When I gave in and said we could have an open relationship. I ended up being the one who found side companionship. He did not. This led to him realizing what happens when you invite other people into something that wasn’t fully ready for that kind of step. He may be asking for the hall pass now, but with you guys just barely having a kid, and probably not having the time that you two would need to properly navigate an open relationship… it’s gonna blow up in someone’s face. But guess who gets hurt the most… your kid. 🤷🏻♀️ don’t change your beliefs for a guy who realized that he settled too quickly into adulthood. Just by how he is acting now. He wouldn’t be able to handle seeing you fall for another man if it came to that. I think you got lucky with him telling you his true feelings about how he feels about his life and the relationship. Because now you know. Now you just have to decide if you want to stay with someone who feels that way.
I attempted to stay with mine, even after I called off the relationship with my side companion. It still ended in disaster because he just wasn’t happy about settling into the life he had created for himself. So I took the kid and left. Been doing it on my own for 5 years. I have accomplished a lot too. It’s much easier to get to where you want to be in life when you aren’t with someone who was never really ready to live it in the first place. He’s still the same lost man as he was the day I left. Don’t get stuck hun. Keep moving forward and do what’s best for you and the kid.
my ex did this to me and it was one of the nastiest things i had ever agreed to. i did it for the simple fact that i wanted to please him and keep him. it ended up not pleasing him at all. in fact it was just an excuse to justify cheating. once i agreed we got tinders and his jealousy came out. that right there was a big fat sign that he only wanted to do it for the simple fact he wanted to fuck other people. you JUST had a baby, this man should be focusing his energy on the family he created and not new pussy to experience. run for the fucking hills. it gets better trust me. there are other people out there with the same morals as you and will treat your wants and needs with respect. im a single mom of 2 children and after leaving my last ex who wanted the open relationship, i have never felt more joy. never felt more authentically myself. change is hard but at the end of the day, your happiness is all that matter because your happiness is a result of your childs happiness. your man wants to fuck other people because hes 24 years old, just had a baby, and has absolutely no idea how to regulate his emotions and wants to mask his feelings with sex. i was in this SAME boat a year ago and it was miserable and ruined my self esteem. you will feel SO much better being free from that.
He doesn’t want to be on child support. That’s why he wants to stay with you. But separate from and get a lawyer.