I don’t like my boyfriend’s cat. I really started not to like the cat when my boyfriend said “the cat is worth more than me any day of the week” during an argument.
I also don’t like the smell of the cat litter and waste, I don’t like the noises it makes in the middle of the night which wake me up, I don’t like how it scratches and destroys things, and I don’t like how we need to plan our life and furniture choices around this cat.
I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about my feelings and he just says “I didn’t mean what I said about the cat being worth more than you” and “you can’t train a cat”. He does not address the cat’s negative behaviours or even try anything.
I’m at the point now where I’m wanting to move out due to the cat. I know that long-term, I don’t want this cat in a nice house (we’re currently renting a not so nice house) and I know it will cause resentment. I also don’t want to ask my boyfriend to get rid of his cat because that will cause him to resent me.
What have people in similar situations done? I don’t want to lose my boyfriend, but I’m also looking at the bigger picture of compatibility issues.
TL;DR I don’t like my boyfriend’s cat and am not sure if I should end it with him due to compatibility issues.
7 comments
Pet comparability is important in a long term relationship. It’s a bit easier to compromise on than kids, but not by much.
Cats can be trained to scratch only appropriate things (ie the post) but you can’t eliminate the behavior entirely. The waste is always going to smell, but you can put the box in the least worse area and have him clean it daily. If you have a house, a catio could work (enclosed area outside with a cat door in a wi Dow somewhere). You could wear earplugs at night, but he’s right – you can’t train a cat to be completely silent or only be awake during the day. Cats also slow down and chill out as they age.
The problem is it’s not just this cat – if he can’t ever have a pet and be with you that might be too much of a sacrifice for him.
Open the door one day and see if the cat comes back?
Based on your comment in the comment section, your boyfriend is not a responsible pet owner who is putting in time and care to make sure that the cat has the best quality of life. It sounds like he has a long-haired cat but doesn’t groom it, doesn’t clean the litterbox before it smells overwhelmingly bad and is fine with the cat destroying furniture. This is not what a good pet owner is and it’s also not good for the cat.
And now picture this: He isn’t invested enough in the cat to ensure its litterbox is cleaned enough, but *he said the cat is still worth more to him than you*. An animal he is neglecting. Think about what that says about your relationship.
To just answer your question, though: There are relationships where partners consciously choose the “living apart together”-model, which means that both keep their own apartments (even when married, in very rare cases even when they have kids). Some people just like having their own space with no one else around where they can do whatever they want. If both people are fine with not living together, then things that would otherwise be incompatibilities – like pets, sleep issues with no way to have separate bedrooms in a small apartment, different ideas of how clean it should be, smoking/not smoking inside and so on – can be ignored to some degree. Sleepovers do obviously happen a lot in that relationship model and often, the partners look for apartments in the same area or even same house. Maybe that would work for you, at least until the cat passes away? It sounds like it is an older cat, since you said that your boyfriend had it for years.
But yeah, that aside, I think that the things that bother you – destroyed furniture, very smelly litterbox – say more about the boyfriend than about his cat. The cat is just a victim of a bad owner.
If my girlfriend was contemplating leaving me over my cat, I would help her with great enthusiasm to pack her luggage. I would offer to pay for her UBER fee as well.
Can you imagine what kind of wife you will be to another man! Heck, you might divorce him over his smelly feet.
The waste in particular is a problem. Have you talked to him about minimizing the smell by changing the litter and being responsible?
Idk, I would not esmt to date someone who doesn’t properly care for their pets.
Does the cat have scratching posts? More than one? Do you have a designated trash can for litter? Get a small trash can with a lid and plug in a scented thing nearby if you need to. Does anyone play with the cat? Does the cat have high places? Do you guys clean the litter at least twice a week?
If he’s not even cleaning the litter then he’s being a neglectful cat owner. Cats hate smelling their shit as much as you do. He could at least get two litter boxes.
If he’s this neglectful I hope you don’t want kids. He won’t help change their diapers and whatnot.
I think maybe I just need to take ownership of this cat’s needs, because my boyfriend isn’t up to it. I feel resentful over this, since the cat is his pet and I didn’t agree to look after all it’s needs, but maybe I’m being selfish? This is what I’m questioning.