I, male 36 years old, have been dating her, 37 years old, for about 7 months. We have had a lot of discussions during those months and things have been worse lately. In another attempt to make this work, after not seeing each other for 3 weeks, I went to visit her. we live in different cities, 3 hours away. We agreed to put the problems aside for a while and try to have a nice weekend. It went well so she asked me to stay longer to which I agreed. So far, so good.
On Monday she decided to go out with an male friend. She usually tells me the name and background of her friends, but this guy was just a friend, no names not details. Her plan was to meet with him for a quick coffee after work while I waited at home. During the day that changed and now they were planning to go out in the evening. I didn’t like the idea of sitting at home waiting for her, so I canceled my plan to stay longer and went back to my city. She ended up meeting with him from 7pm to 11pm, just the two of them, alone at a bar. Later on the phone, when I confronted her about how the “quick coffee” turned into a 4 hour meeting at a bar she said that if I had stayed, it would have been quicker. I tried to be cool when she told me she was going out, but by that time (11pm) I was really angry. She said that I was overreacting, he is just a friend and nothing happened. She however, told me she had a great time with him, because she was able to vent about our situation. Oh! Let me add that she was the one who originally asked for us to be exclusive and for us not to date anyone else, and recently checked on me to see if I’m still honoring that or not.
The discussion is still on and she says my reactions are, in her own words, “laughable”. She insists that this was my fault because I should have expressed clearly that this bothered me. I partially agree with that, she asked me what was up before meeting with him and I could have been more clear. To be honest, I tried to be cool, not to look too jealous or possessive and accept that she was going to meet briefly with a friend. However, I was clearly uncomfortable and decided to leave and I think the reasons were really obvious. She doesn’t agree with this, for her this wasn’t an obvious and conflicting situation. By the way, later I found out that this friend is someone she is getting to know now, not an old friend, a new acquaintance who is single, attractive (according to her) and this is the first time they both go out alone for drinks.
My question is: If you go to visit your partner who lives far away for 4 days, while the relationship is trembling and then she uses some of that time to go out for drinks with someone else, without giving you any explanation of who this guy is, is it and overreaction to feel hurt? Is this situation my responsibility for not saying clearly and at the right time that this bothered me? or is it common sense to realize that going out for drinks with someone else while your partner is waiting at home is, at best, awkward and she should have taken proactive actions so I felt seen and safe?
29 comments
Dude – grow a spine and walk away from this dumpster fire. Why would you tolerate this disrespect and bullshit?
Not an overreaction. Her venting to him was emotional cheating. The reason you didn’t get details about him was because she’s trying to see if he’s a better option than you. If your relationship is at the breaking point and she acts in this manner, she’s already decided. Time for you to move on as well.
OK so let’s just be blunt. Your partner went out with another man. Unless you are leaving out the part where you two are swingers, under zero circumstances is that acceptable for someone in a relationship. Your best bet is to leave, period. No matter how many people are willing to sacrifice their own dignity to defend that behavior, being involved with a women like that will only destroy your mental health.
You can’t get her to acknowledge the reality of her actions. Trying is futile.
Break up with her.
I think your ‘relationship’ is a shitshow TBH. To leave a guest, much less a so-called partner, at home alone while you go out socializing with someone else is the height of rudeness and inconsideration. You should not have had to say a thing about it. She knew perfectly well what a shitty thing it was to do, and she did it anyway.
You are NOT her priority. Not in any way, shape or form.
It’s time to cut your losses, buddy.
This relationship is already over for her. She’s just too immature to say it or even articulate it. In essence, she wants you to end it so she can tell herself *you* left *her* whereas it was her actions that already left you.
Get out. It is not worth your mental health here. I get it, you care for her… but she doesn’t care about you or respect you at all. I’m sorry. 🙁
Dump this turd
Only 7 tiny months and you’re having massive problems?
Dude, break up and find someone local that you’ll be able to see regularly not some woman who ignores you when you pay to go and visit her.
She’s not as into you as you are into her, that’s plain as anything!
Dude, where is your spine? She is gaslighting you and keeping you on the back burner in case the new guy doesn’t work out. Ghost her, and block her on everything.
37 and still playing teenage games…
You deserve someone more mature.
She’s rude as hell and def looking to get with this guy. It was over the minute she decided to tell some single dude your private business. And then she calls your reaction “laughable?”
Bud, you’ll be laughable if you stay and give her another chance.
Ghost her bro. Total lack of respect towards you and your time with her. When she bangs this new guy and he drops her cause he likes the chase, she’ll be love bombing before you know it.
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Dunzo
Congrats you are now the side piece.
No matter who she was meeting… this is just rude. It’s not that hard not to double book yourself. That would piss me off on its own.
7 months and it’s already this exhausting? I don’t think this relationship willl last long.
I wouldn’t have even wasted my time explaining why I left.
She has zero respect
“She said that I was overreacting, he is just a friend and nothing happened. She however, told me she had a great time with him, because she was able to vent about our situation.”
She’s airing your dirty laundry to another dude over drinks? Next. There’s a reason she’s 37 and single. Find you someone better.
Her claiming you should have communicated it in the moment are BS. She didn’t care how you felt about it either way and was okay with making you wait while she went on a date with another man. Plus, you’ve communicated it since and all she’s done is dismiss you.
She is clearly entertaining this guy as a partner. She probably watches too much sex in the city and thinks she’s being a player. Let me reiterate. Next her. She’s not worth your time.
She went on a date with another man, while you were visiting her. Would she be cool if you did that her? My guy, run.
She’s inconsiderate and selfish.
Just be done with her. Ridiculous
She is not girlfriend material, walk away.
You’re 36 years old. Please, by now you have to know what this is. This relationship is over, just let it end gracefully.
This woman is literally lining up men to replace you. Stop wasting your time with this garbage
Don’t be a cuckold. Walk away.
Live in different cities, having lots of issues, she’s going on dates with other men.
Why are you staying in this relationship?
Oh my goodness, please tell us you are breaking up with her and moving on with your life. She is clearly gaslighting you because if you did that to her she would have been equally hurt and upset. She didn’t care about you in the moment and she doesn’t care about you now. She has a new boyfriend. She’s just not woman enough to say she changed her mind. Good luck
Dump. Her. Ass.
She literally stood YOU up.
She went on a date while you were there and did it deliberately. She knew what she was doing in asking you to stay longer. If it wasn’t a big deal meeting this guy then why weren’t you invited to meet her friend? She’s shady AF. Have some dignity and walk away.