Sorry for the long post, but I’m really seeking help.
I (25 F and AP) know this guy (26 M, possibly avoidant), because of a common friend. We had a lot of online zoom meetings with our group of friends. We all live in different countries.
In these group interactions I realized we had many similar interests and started texting him on personal. He seemed quite enthusiastic but took hours, days sometimes to reply. I talked to our common friend about this (this common friend is his best friend), and she said he is like that with everyone. He always takes long to reply.
So I went along and didn’t mind that much. Since it was me always initiating, I decided to stop and we didn’t talk for a while. Later I got to know he was in my country (which is also his home country) so I asked if he wanted to meet. We met up, I was expecting it to be just a hangout.
When we met he behaved like it was a date, was being nice and sweet. But, during the date, here are a few instances that stayed with me:
1) When I asked what his bucket list was, he said he wanted to visit the hometown/country of a girl he dated in the past and also the country of another friend. He is quite a traveller, so I thought that’s just a part of him wanting to explore.
2) We were talking about meditation and he said he didn’t do that much because he then got “attached” to it and “he didnt like attachments”.
3) We were talking about following a healthy lifestyle and he said “he didnt like to take efforts towards things”.
4) I asked if he planned to settling where he was or he wanted to return to our home country and he said “I’l return, unless I fall in love with a girl from that country.. but that’s diffucult”.
I felt a connection and liked him, and thought there was no harm in letting him know, given we’ll otherwise never meet again. I confessed over text after few days and he said he appreciated it but did not feel the same and that he was sorry and we wished each other good luck.
We did not text after this, but were watched each other’s status updates, no other direct communication. A few months later, he wrote a blog about his trip to his ex’s country and posted its link on his status. A few things from his blog that I’d like to highlight:
1) He went on this trip with a female coworker (who has a boyfriend by the way).
2) He mentioned how they took a guided tour on the first day and how he loved the tour and the female guide. And he wrote everyone should take that tour with this same guide to make it extra special.
3) Then he met another girl in a shared cab, this girl was on a camping trip there. He wrote he felt like “meeting an old friend” when he met this girl.
4) And he wrote how he the female coworker went for dinner and how the smile on her face while eating her favourite food was memorable for him.
5) He also mentioned how he saw people doing Yoga (the topic we mostly bond over, I do Yoga, he does not but is interested in fitness) there and joined them and really enjoyed it.
6) Upon meeting his ex, he wrote “we had many things to catch up from education, work, fitness to how our other friends were doing, relationships or lack thereof”
After reading the last part I felt hurt. And decided to forget him (was not very hopeful to begin with). I started going out with other guys and kept exploring.
Then I came across Attachment thoery (and realized I’m AP) and wondered if this guy was a DA. Which kind of made me feel empathy for him. So, wanting to extend friendship, I asked if he wanted to join me on a group trip which he declined because he was busy. As soon as I texted, he changed his display picture to a Yoga related quote. I went to an overnight Yoga fest a few days later and was posting status from there, and he stayed up all night viewing those updates.
Few months later I got to know from a common friend that he won a scholarship and texted him to congratulate which he replied to immediately and enthusiastically, after which we broke into a deep conversation ahout philosophy and Yoga. He then kinda stopped replying to my questions, I would double text sometimes because the convo got interesting (and I was growing attached to him), but after a point my anxiety took over, and I texted him saying I don’t want to make things awkward after my confession and that I valued him as a person and friend but him not replying was hurting me.
To this he said he stopped replying because he thought I had “hidden motives” and wanted something more. I got more hurt by this, I admit I still liked him, but I kept my feelings in check and only wanted to have general conversation with him ( I did not ask any personal questions, ever.), deep convos but about things I could talk about even with a stranger who was interested in deep philosophical conversations.
But after he mentioned those hidden motives my feelings got triggered and I now seeked closure. I told him that I still liked him, will always do, but that I respected his decision and boundaries and only wanted to talk as friends. And since he did not want to talk further, I asked if him rejecting me initially was because he was scared of attachments. He said it had nothing to do with attachments, he just didn’t want a relationship then and didn’t see me as a potential partner, and that it was my mind projecting all this.
Is he a DA/FA or am I really projecting?
TL;DR: Guy shows signs of DA, so I tried to confront but he said I (AP) was projecting it on him.