I broke up with my ex. I loved her, and I still do. When we were together, there were good and bad times. But most times I just wanted to escape and be alone but now that she’s gone, I miss her. She has a different idea of reality due to conditioning from her friends and entertainment choices. She has unrealistic expectations of others, and a deep-seated need to feel superior to me, and everyone around her. She’s always nagging me but later claims she’s not complaining only telling me how she feels. She doesn’t know how to argue logically and it’s too tiring for me to try because there’s no point. Usually, all our arguments can simply come to an end if I just hug her. But I don’t ever feel good after doing this because I feel like I’m enabling her. This was my longest relationship and the most beautiful lady I’ve been with. But I still wonder if I made the right decision. How do you cope with this feeling?
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This is a tough one because I struggled a lot with this myself. Nothing was wrong with the relationship, though we did argue a lot. We had matching values as well.
I sat on the feeling of breaking up for a while, since I thought maybe this is a ME issue that I needed to work on through therapy and some self-reflection. I also started to notice times where I’d feel annoyed due to her idiosyncrasies.
After a while I decided to just end things since I had already been thinking about it for a while. I immediately regretted it after too, since I realized that if I had just worked on my avoidant tendencies then the relationship would’ve been healthier. I also realized that if I didn’t work in this now, it would become a problem in my next relationship too.
I tried to ask for her back, but she didn’t want to continue things with me. In hindsight, maybe it was for the best because I couldn’t give her the relationship security she deserved to have, and I had issues I didn’t know how to work on while I was with her.
It sucks because my greatest moments of growth come from my biggest mistakes, and this was one of them.
Would you still miss her if you replaced her?
Seems like incompatibility at the basic level. Maybe not the case and compromises were possible to “fix” the relationship, but I’m not going to pry into that since it’s over anyway. I’ll leave it to you to think about whether or not you could’ve done certain things differently and had a different outcome. It certainly sounds like your ex would benefit from doing so.
What was the difference between the good/bad times? Is it possible you miss the familiarity? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as the saying goes—many choose toxicity over uncertainty if they’re used to navigating the former.
Part of being decisive without regret is setting hard limits. Think break in the stone rather than line in the sand that you can redraw. If you’re clear about what is *absolutely* unacceptable, undesirable, etc., it will likely get rid of the need to “cope” with your decision and any rationalizations that creep up, like “yeah, but she was beautiful,” “yeah, but we had some good times,” “yeah, but I love(d) her”—none of these are ironclad reasons to doubt your decision.
TL;DR: Weigh what you value against what you’re willing to endure in your relationships, and then act accordingly—including making a clean break when necessary.
you get out there and meet someone else. treat it as a learning experience. take your mind off of her, as time passes so will your attachment to her.
also, beauty fades quicker than you may think. the only attractive aspect of a partner that really matters is how well they take care of themselves (fitness, physical and mental health). pretty face, nice boobs/ass is all meaningless in the long run. try not to prioritize your next SO based off of attraction. ask yourself what you want from a potential family member – brcause ultimately your future wife is the one family member you get to choose. so think with the head in between your ears
Are you sure you aren’t dealing with feelings of scarcity rather than questioning your decision?