She’s a realtor and hasn’t taken a day off in almost 3 weeks. She works from 8am to whenever and likes to go out and hang out with other people in her business. I try to support her but it feels like she’s never around. I also work full time. We have 2 kids who are teenage/preteen and they are spending their entire summer at home alone because neither one of us can get away. She has told me i’m being controlling and jealous when i ask when she’s coming home or if i tell her that the kids or i miss her. It’s a very difficult dynamic right now. I just wonder if i’m doing anything wrong but i’m also afraid to tell her how i feel.
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Is this a new thing or has she always put work over family? I don’t want to go with the normal Reddit assumption, but I’d be concerned.
You are not doing anything wrong by asking your wife to be your wife and your children’s mother. If she is going out after work (every evening?) with colleagues instead of coming home to her family that would not sit well with me. Are you ever invited to hang out with her workmates?
“Neither of us can get away” how is she the problem ?
I have several real estate agent friends. Watched them start from scratch. Year three is where you can start to make decent money. So, try to understand how critical this time is for her career and perhaps yours too. Two of my friends were able to retire due their spouses’ well-earned new success.
I think it’s time for big family trip.
I own my own business. Sometimes I’m crazy busy and work without a day off for weeks at a time. I miss my husband and family, but my work and reputation are important to me. I’ve been made to feel guilty for sometimes prioritizing my work and, quite frankly, it pisses me off. No one ever questions my husband during his busy season. The double standard is infuriating.
If you want to tell her how you feel, do it this way:
I am so proud of you! I see how hard you’re working and the sacrifices you’re making. Keep killin it, Baby! And I can’t wait for your work to slow down so that you can get a break and we can see you more. I miss you. Is there a day coming up where we can plan to spend some time together?
It sounds like she’s come to a place where her kids are a bit older and don’t need her as much so he put more time in work, and it’s really paying off. She becoming successful. And she has time to have a social life now too. Would she be okay if you went with her when she hangs out? I do think trying to make her feel guilty for working late is kind of a douche bag thing to do.
To me, it seems a little suspicious that she sees you and the kids missing her as controlling. Same with asking when she will be home. So either you paraphrased or she is acting poorly. The way I see it, saying “hey, thinking about you and wanted to let you know I miss you.,” is different than “I miss you, come home now.” Or “hey, just wondering what time you will be home, to make sure you are safe,” vs “when will you be home?”
Some people are CONVINCED that any sort of “hey checking in” = “I’m a controlling douche,” but it’s all about phrasing. If you are being genuine with her, then she is acting poorly and either she is hiding something, or someone else like a coworker is telling her that you are the toxic one. Either way, I think just voicing your concerns in a face to face conversation and explaining that you don’t mean what you say to come across as controlling is the best option in my opinion. Maybe just seeing if she’s willing to set up a schedule with her coworkers of like Wednesdays we hang out, so you can expect and plan accordingly. She also needs to realize she’s a mother of 2 during a very critical period of their lives, so planning around them is important too.
3 weeks isn’t a long time when it’s a peak moment in business growth and development.
It would be more interesting to have a conversation with her about how she could invest in support that would allow her to grow the business as well as have a bit more free time for the family.
Setting it up as an either/or dynamic is the challenge.
How can you be on her side in this while asking for what you want? How can you team up to meet her needs and those of the family?
Your communication starts with an assumption that there’s a problem she is responsible for fixing, rather than there are competing needs that could be creatively addressed, both in the short-term and long-term.
Your wife is drifting away into her own world and away from you and your family. Realtors can make time for things they want to make time for, but when your making money it’s tough to walk away from it.
Maybe you need to suggest some type of family get together to reconnect?
Do you know who she’s hanging out with? Or where? Connections are where Realtors make their property sales connections and money. Does her time away equal sales?
The controlling and jealous are gaslighting type of comments directed at you because she doesn’t want you to know what she’s doing or asking questions about it. I understand you see it as you and your family missing her and wanting her around.
What do you think is going on? You must have some thoughts?
Recommend spending time with your kids, they are at the age were they soon will not want anything to do with you. If your wife doesn’t want to be there it’s here loss.
pretty busy time in that industry right now, 3weeks really isn’t a huge deal
Have your kids complained and actually said they miss her? Or do you just think they miss her because you do?
Is she making money? In real estate, it’s feast or famine, and you have to take the work when you can get it.
“You’re being controlling” = you need to investigate. This is called gaslighting.
Start doing your own thing.
Go to a couples therapist, don’t listen to redditors for family advice. They could be single for all you know and giving you marriage advice or in toxic/ unhappy relationships.
I’m also a realtor and we have four kids. 2 preteen and two teens. My husband is very supportive but he’s had his moments… Moreso when I’m working at home and don’t do the laundry for a week. I remind him that to make my $60k this month (or whatever the amount is for that month) I have to grind. It’s not just a couple emails and forms… It’s constant reassurance and babysitting. Also have to nurture other upcoming leads etc. It’s A LOT. How available you make yourself can be another 2 closings that month. I’ve had many long stretches (3 weeks is child’s play). But…. With that said, it sounds like she’s still building her business. Every realtors dream is to eventually have a system in place that will give them a more passive approach to the business. I.e. Build a team and let others do the grinding. So she’s probably trying to get there. Also, the extracurricular activities aren’t usually an obligation. I’m sure she wants to make time for you and will soon. She’s probably just excited and wants to be a part of everything right now.
The issue is that she prefers to hang out with coworkers than her husband. My wife worked at Post office for year, 12-16 hours days, 8 days straight with no break.. Any free time was spent sleeping or miserable because she couldn’t see her siblings, yet me and kids were ignored. Even my daughter said “she misses her family, but we are her family”. Actually realtionship between her and the kids has never been the same…..
Nearly broke the marriage… work is work, but when you forget to spend time with your spise and kids, that’s an issue. Money isn’t everything..
Then she says he is “needy” cause he misses her?? Seems everyone is overlooking that part of the story..
Would your responses be different if it were the HUSBAND working like this and never spending time with his wife or kids?? You be telling the wife that they need therapy or divorse…..
I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong based off this info and you’ve gotten some harsh replies.
Is this a temporary thing increase in business or will she be this busy for the forseeable future? Could you expand on her ‘hanging out’ with others? Is that networking or just shooting the breeze?
What is not understandable is her calling you controlling when you say you miss her or asking when she’ll be home. Those are normal things you’d say to a spouse.
Start doin stuff without her. Take kids and do something or go away for a few dayd
3 weeks isn’t a long time.. if it was 3 months, sure thats a long time and a different story
Bottom line is if she has time to ‘hang’ with colleagues but not you and your kids, it’s wrong. She should spend some time socializing but keep it reasonable. A lot of these comments are absolute nonsense and would be completely different if sexes were reversed. Should have talks about how valuable money is to you both in relation to other things. I gave up a good chunk of money to have time with my family and I don’t regret it at all. We are both pretty good earners tho so our situation may be different than that of those who are struggling financially.
So many of the comments are focusing on her career and to focus on being happy for her success, but I think the issue you have is in this part:
>She has told me i’m being controlling and jealous when i ask when she’s coming home or if i tell her that the kids or i miss her.
If you’re representing this accurately, this isn’t good for a relationship. Asking when your partner is coming home or telling them you and/or the kids miss them is not controlling and a normal part of a relationship with children. You two need to find better ways of communicating and working through her success together or there’s a good chance this won’t end well.
Her being away due to her career is not uncommon.
Her response is suspicious.
Go full on dad mode. Your wife has chosen her career over her family. She has zero life balance and she wants it that way. Any suggestion to anything differently is met with her calling you controlling. Pretend you are a single parent.
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And yes, if the genders were changed these responses would be totally different. Shame on you people suggesting this is ok. Shame on you.
Funny how in this situation people are supporting the wife but just yesterday there was a wife complaining her husband works late and then goes to the gym after not coming home until 9pm and people were against the husband.
Would it be helpful for you and your wife if you had a fail safe when it came to quality time? Like no matter what, once a month you dedicate a specific period of time for family time and couple time that is fixed in some way. It may not necessarily totally alleviate the problem, but at least it can be a gut check and a preventive measure to make sure you aren’t totally drifting apart. And it can be something you hold onto and look forward to as an anchor point in your relationship that will help drive you through these lean times.
Can you also negotiate that a portion of time she is spending on non-work activities be returned to the family? I was in graduate school while working a full time job. I was taking a full course load of three classes, but that ended up cutting too much into my quality time with my husband. When he called my attention to it, I capped my classes at 2 max per semester. Yes, it did extend my time in school but it gave our marriage more room to breathe, and there was no external rush for me to finish. Also, he was patient with me while I finished classes I had already started and didn’t expect me to take drastic measures like disenrolling from a class I had already paid for.
With regard to her work, do you truly understand what her short term and long term goals are? Also do you understand what she may have already committed herself to do that she may not be able to easily undo without harming her reputation or momentum? Maybe you could approach things from the perspective of how you can help her achieve those goals in a way that will optimize the amount of time you spend with her. Then she may feel more like you are supporting her and desiring her and less like you are trying to control her or hinder her. Doubly so if this is the first major opportunity she has had to build something of her own and has for many years sacrificed some of her ambitions in order to serve your family while the kids were too young to do much independently and while your marriage was still being founded.
My sister in law was the same way when the started in real estate. I think your feelings are completely valid. It does not sound like you are jealous, just missing the person you agreed to share your life with.
To play devils advocate, if she makes Zero time for you and the kids seems a little extreme to me. It’s the sort of situation that affairs spring from, if she has enough resentment built up, just saying
That being said, if she carried a lot of the home and mental load stuff while you worked, and handled stuff so you could have some free time, it doesn’t seem unreasonable right now, as long as she’s willing to communicate about some sort of compromise or resolution down the line, so it’s really important to let her know that you are supportive, and just want to make sure she knows that you just want to check that the relationship is strong
You mentioned you are afraid to talk to her and tell her how you feel. That for me is the real issue. You are equals in this partnership. It has nothing to do with your children, with money, work schedules, et al. Would it help both of you to evaluate the marriage medular foundations and see where you are at? As time passes the people we were no longer are. I do wish you all the best.
I don’t really like how everyone is siding with your wife if the roles were reversed it would be omg he needs to be a better father he needs to prioritize his family. I agree it takes a while with her profession but I don’t like how she calls you jealous because you say you miss her or the kids do too that’s kind of messed up and that’s problematic to me I would never tell my husband and kids that. I feel like you should be able to express yourself to your wife without her feeling like you don’t want what’s best for her. Also her going out after work after she is gone all day long not saying that she shouldn’t but she can prioritize more time with you and the kids as well as you if you are also leaving the kids at home as well. I hope you both can talk it out and work it out honestly best wishes !
I work in real estate and this is all standard and par for the course with agents. It’s a lot of front end work for the final deal to go through. I have seen commissions anywhere from 4k to more than 6 figures for a closing. The issue is it is all sporadic and it’s all in who you know. Weekends and holidays and evenings showing houses are all give ins as well.
I recommend anyone who has a job like this and having been a wife before of a persnap trainer so understand the crazy schedule, scheduling dedicated time for family and the marriage is a must. That or eventually neglect, resentment and possibly space for someone else to ease in will come on either side. Talk to her about you feelings and also have empathy and understanding for her feelings and what she is accomplishing and the goals she is striving for.
Not sure if it has already been said, but depending on where you are located, it could be the busy season for real estate. I’m not sure about more temperate regions nationally, but in the Midwest, right now is the busiest time of the year for real estate.
I work on the admin side for a large brokerage, over 400 agents, and it’s always insane this time of year. There are definitely busy and slow times of the year with real estate. Agents need to make bank right now to float through the winter months; monthly dues and expenses don’t stop or adjust their costs during the slow months.
Not trying to give advice but maybe just some added information to better understand the situation.
These comments are amazing.
The wife is working all the time, not there for her husband and kids, and when he points this out to her she labels him as controlling.
And the consensus here? He’s the problem. The kids area older, so they don’t need mom. He needs to suck it up and be endlessly patient.
There are scores of posts here where the husband is working a lot, much to the dismay of the wife, and the advice is typically *very* different.
There is so much double standard here on this. If a husband told his wife she was just jealous or controlling because he was working so much that he didn’t have time for her or kids, people would be flipping out. You both have a work problem. You both need to re-assess your priorities to see if they even align anymore. The kids are old enough that should be able to entertain themselves at least with friends or get used to being home. Kids that age don’t need to be entertained all day long.
Bro your not going to get much on this sub, I’d try r/love
She’s given the last 15 or so years to cater to the kids, house, and everything else but her. She’s being selfish because she never found that balance in life where she did anything for herself and is wanting that freedom now. I see this allllll the time with my mom friends.