My dom BF has been wanting me to have sex with others are film it for him as well as let him “train ” my throat by fucking my mouth which is very difficult for me and makes me want to throw up. He’s been saying I don’t have a say or a choice because I’m his sub/he doesn’t care if I don’t want to and I’m not sure if this is red flag or not in a kinky relationship.
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Of course it’s a red flag. You may have a D/s relationship, but you still get a say. If you say no and he forces you, that’s *rape*. You engage in power play because you find it hot. If you’re not finding it hot, you can say no at any time. If he won’t take that, you need a new Dom. What he’s doing is *abuse*, not BDSM.
“*I don’t want to and I’m not sure if this is red flag or not in a kinky relationship.*”
It’s a red flag in **any** relationship.
Nope, that’s called abuse. Leave his ass right now.
Dom/sub relies on consent. You are consensually giving up consent because you trust the dom to not cross your actual lines or to actually hurt you. If they are forcing you to do things you actually don’t want to do, they aren’t being a dom, they are being an abuser.
This is a HUGE reason my wife and I never swing with people who self identify as doms – that’s usually just code for “insensitive asshole that wants everything their way and doesn’t care what others think”.
Run. He is not a dom. He is a predatory abuser.
Bdsm relies on consent. You should always have a choice. Otherwise it’s not a kinky relationship, it is an abusive one in
Kink is done with CONSENT. If you haven’t consented, it’s assault/rape, regardless of whether you’re a vanilla couple or a Dom and sub
One of the things that people have difficulty wrapping their head around when it comes to a…deviating power dynamic, is that the person who is dominated is *consenting to it*.
As in, if you *want* to be dominated, you explicitly *allow* your partner to dominate you. To take control. To decide. To gently push boundaries. On your terms.
But there is one thing that you NEVER surrender, and that is your right to immediately call it off it it ain’t working out as you wanted. You agree on a *stop-word*, and the very second you say that stop word it’s IMMEDIATELY called off. The dynamic is done and over with until you express that you want to continue.
In other words, with a partner who really enjoys dominating and practically needs this kind of dynamic to enjoy sex…you are still in charge. He must understand that to be allowed to be like this towards you, he has to show restrain and consideration for your expressed boundaries. Otherwise you’ll just call it off. Maybe for good.
So…with the above in mind, how is your relationship working with consent and stop words?
He is telling you to do something. Perfectly fine within the dynamic.
You say that you do not want this. Perfectly fine within the dynamic.
He insists. Also sort of fine within the dynamic, but obviously taking his chances a bit here because he risks that you call it all off, indefinitely if he pushes too much of his own agenda on you.
And…ARE you calling it off? If he is pushing a boundary irreparably too far, you should call it off. It’s your right.
Get out of this relationship. Without consent it is only abuse – solely, only abuse.
That is absolutely not how bdsm works AT ALL. Rule number 1, 2 and 3 of sub/dom is CONSENT is always asked, never a given.
What he is doing is purely forcing you to a sexual act you do not agree with, that is assaulting/raping.
If one person does not consent to a sexual act, the answer is NO. There is no “you don’t have a choice”
This is serious, you need to leave him and possibly get help. These are incredibly dangerous tendencies that usually predate a predator if he isn’t one already. At the VERY best, the video would be leaked. You don’t want to know the worse…
That’s not being dominant… that’s being a full-on predator
He’s a wanna be dom, he doesn’t understand how it works. Just saying you’re a dom doesn’t mean you can abuse or force you’re sub to do things they don’t want to, that’s sexual assault. Guys like this use the lifestyle to prey on victims. A true dom would know you as the sub actually hold the control not him. Huge red flag and be very careful with this joker.
Run like hell no real dom is going to treat you like this it completely goes against the trust that comes with this relationship