I broke up with my ex about a little more than a month ago. It had to be done due to the relationship becoming completely toxic again…
We started dating in 2018 and everything was great. We were practically together almost 24/7. My first thing I became uneasy about was he didn’t have his drivers license. It was okay at first until I started to feel more and more like an chauffeur than a girlfriend. He rarely gave my gas money for when we had to do stuff for him (grocery shopping, taking him shopping, picking up his friends and taking them and picking them up, etc)
After a while he made a couple comments about me (where of course I went and vented to my mom bc she’s my rock) and needless to say my mom started to dislike him… (but was still completely nice bc we were dating) and as soon as he found that out everything turned. He started to hate my mother and sister and now realizing trying to take me away from my entire family. He became mad when I had family events (even tho he was invited to every event) so I ended up missing some event, as well as friend events bc he ended up getting upset when I made plans with other friends but not with him.
When lockdown hit in 2020 I called it off. I became so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted I couldn’t take anything anymore. From first being depressed that I wasn’t able to celebrate my 21st bday due to bars being shutdown a week before my bday my ex got mad that I wanted to drink on my bday and we ended up hanging out with his friends. And him keeping shit hidden from me (literally if I touched his phone just to see what time is what he had a meltdown) I knew something had to be up. He kept fighting with me the night we broke up where I told him to go calm down and just message me back in a couple when he cooled off all bc I said I was tired to hang out one night bc he wanted to go over his friends house so I had to play Uber. After a lil bit I called him just bc I didn’t want matters worse and I said I’ll pick him up but I already knew he was there bc I heard laughter from the background. He ended up yelling at me bc I called him to I ended it. After that there was no contact for a day but stupid me still in love went back. He gave me the cold shoulder where I went depressed. Not even a week later I found out he’s already with another girl…
Out of any girl it’s a girl I went to school with. We weren’t exactly friends but we knew each other quite well bc of mutual friends. And that ended me badly. Became very depressed watching snap stories, seeing post of Facebook, etc. It came to a point I ended up not eating for god knows how long exactly. I think it came to a point I got a full meal in a week that’s how little I ate. What hurt the most was when I found out he went on a day trip to the beach with her but I was willing to pay entirely for a couple night stay at the beach and I got yelled at. I started to stop loving him after that…
Maybe 3 months later after our breakup I was better. Started to eat more, started to smile more, and started to really become me again. I decided to go hang out my friends house that I’ve been friends with for years and after a bit my ex was there.. (her bc is friends with me ex) and after a bit I started to feel really uncomfortable so I left. He asked me for a ride home(bc it was on the way home for me there was no way going around his house) so pressured I said ya. We didn’t say nothing until we got in front of his house. I still remember he was a lil tipsy and all he wanted was to talk but I really wasn’t ready until I heard him say “I’m sorry”. He went on talking more, slurring some words, and saying how he missed me and loves me etc. me being stupid I went along with it (bc I still love him) and started talking about the good days we had. Then I found out him and the chick broke up and that still remains unclear bc I keep hearing multiple things on why they broke up. We ended up talking for 3 hours in front of his house, laughing, and crying a little. After a bit he went out and said “I really don’t want to be in a relationship but I want to be with you” and “would u wanna be fwb for now?” Me being stupid I said yes and we ended up talking again…
The first year was good. We started growing strong again till a switch flicked and ended up going south again but worse. Much worse… I’m not gonna go and write everything bc how I’ve already wrote a lot but short story he is manipulative, controlling, backstabbing, and very ungrateful. I wasn’t able to do anything for myself or I couldn’t go anywhere with my family without me putting on my do not disturb. That mad matters worse. So on the day that would of been our 5 year anniversary I called it it. For good this time. He called and messaged still but I told him I’m not interested. He managed to manipulate me once after that but I blocked him on everything.
Bc of the things I went through bc of him I’m scared to do a lot of things. My anxiety is worse and my depression is bad. And now it’s to the point I hate going places by myself. Especially the one grocery store bc that’s where he works with majority of his friends…. Ya I go to other grocery stores but there’s certain things I can only get at the one he and his friends work at. Just recently when I was there I park all the way on the one side so I can stay hidden and when I got to my vechile there was my ex parked right by me. I’ve never gotten in my car so fast in my life and drive it my anxiety went through the roof and I thought I was having a heart attack.
After everything tho I still miss his. I still love him but I know it’s best not to be with him. He was my best friend. When we weren’t having bad days he was such a good person. Realizing it was the manipulating I feel so stupid. We talked about marriage, getting a house, having kids, etc. now I just feel lost. I’ve been trying to talk to other ppl but a part of my just wants to unblock him and just be with him again…. Is it bad I miss my ex?
1 comment
Firstly, I want to say I’m proud of you for recognising that it’s a toxic relationship and putting an end to it. So so super proud of you. It is okay to still miss him as long as you don’t end up going back to him. It is okay, and you’ll be okay. You were together for 5 years- that is a long time being with someone. Habits and patterns are in place during that time, and no matter how toxic it was still your life for the past 5 years. It’s okay to miss it and grieve it. There will definitely be good moments in 5 years spent together, and sometimes that’s what you’ll think of because it’s normal not to want to remember the bad. You will be okay.
I am proud of you for missing him but also knowing that it is best to not be with him. It takes time to heal, so be kind to yourself. In the meantime, keep trying your best to take care of yourself. Keep your focus on YOU, not him- you. Have you been eating well these days? Doing or rediscovering the things that you like and enjoy doing? Pampering yourself maybe with some face masks, all that jazz. It may be hard to do things when you’re feeling depressed, but don’t stop trying. It will help. Maybe write a list of all the things you want to do, include even the simpler things like going to get a haircut or eating at a place you really like. Go one step at a time. Today you’ll get a haircut, maybe it’ll be super overwhelming so tomorrow you want to take a break and go for something more relaxing. Maybe while going to get your haircut you can buy a face mask for tomorrow and that’s how you’ll spend your day at home, watch some TV while putting your face mask on. The day after, go to that food place that you really like. If eating there is hard, do take away or order delivery. The next day take a 10 minute walk outside. Stuff like these. You can do it. Sending you lots of love and hugs.