I’m in a relationship. It’s a good relationship and I love him very much. The start of our relationship was very shaky! It still hurts me. Sometimes those thoughts attack me.. how do I move past it?
This is what happened:
1. This happened when we’re were dating (not exclusive. Just dating.) My boyfriend arranged to meet up with a prositute on Snapchat. I found out months into our relationship because I went through his phone (bad I know). I confronted him about it and he tried to secretly delete it and deny it. I proved to him I already saw it and that’s when he came clean. He says that he never met up with her. This caused trust issues in our relationship. Especially since at the time he said he was only interested in sleeping with me.
2. This happened during our official relationship. He was still dming his ex girlfriend on Instagram. I went through his phone while he was sleep (again it’s horrible I know) and I found out those messages. They weren’t flirty but very friendly. I didn’t know who she was at the time but I did think it was strange because he never mentioned the girl. When I confronted him he again tried to deleted the messages and said he wasn’t texting her. I proved to him I saw it and that’s when he came clean. What’s ironic is when my ex messaged me he made me block him at the same time he was texting his ex!
Since this he has made an effort to make sure I feel secure.
– He gave me the passwords to all of his accounts and his phone.
-He let me install a child monitoring app and let logger on his phone .
– He blocked his ex on everything.
I feel he has worked hard to build back the trust and to do these things to make me feel comfortable within the relationship but Obviously this caused major trust issues.
How do I move past this?
TL/DR My boyfriend lied and manipulated me in the first part of our relationship. I would like advice on how to move past this.
9 comments
My question is, why would you want to? He was gonna screw a *hooker* while dating you. Why is that something you would move past?
Why would you want to move past this?
Why do you believe he won’t do the same thing again and again? He tried to hire a sexworker, and each time he’s caught he’s tried to cover his tracks and lie to you about it.
Why do you think you should trust him? Has he magically transformed into a new person? Was he possessed by a demon or alien at the time? Did he experience a knock on the head that fundamentally changed his character?
Why do you think he will behave differently in the future? Why do you think he won’t just work harder at not getting caught? Trust issues do not get resolved if you don’t have a realistic answer to that question.
“My boyfriend arranged to meet up with a prositute on Snapchat.”
You do not debate, rules lawyer, or argue about this. You walk away.
As other are asking, why are you staying? Think of how horrifically life destroying this will be when you are pregnant…
He has not done anything to prove he’s trustworthy. He has not been accountable for his choices and he knows you’ll stick around no matter what. Why would he want to change?
I agree with the other commenters questions of “why is this relationship important to you to be worth preserving?”
>Obviously this caused major trust issues. How do I move past this?
It’s not on *you* to move past it. Rather, it’s up to you to determine what needs to be said or done – by him, you, or both of you – that’d help you rebuild trust in him.
There’s no point in continuing a relationship with someone you can’t trust. So if either you can’t find a path forward that’d rebuild the trust HE broke twice, or if he can’t agree or commit to to any of your ideas for rebuilding trust, I don’t see a point in continuing with him.
If you were really going to move past this, you wouldn’t need our help, you’d just do it. The reason you’re asking is that you know he’s not trustworthy, and he’s a hypocrite on top of that. This has been eating away at you for all this time because you know he’s not right for you. Trust your gut. It’s probably telling you to get out.
Honestly i think the best idea is to just make things work the best you can for the rest of your lease, but when that’s up you definitely need to think about your future and what you want.
You deserve so much better, please start saving whatever extra money you make and put it aside and DONT touch it until you’re ready to leave for good.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, he’ll just find better ways to hide what he does.
It’s been 7 months right? if you haven’t “gotten over it” in 7 months you never will, and it doesn’t help he was talking to his ex and lied to you multiple times as well as tried to gaslight you.
Your feelings are valid, there’s no way to get over what he did, either you can or can’t. Only time can tell and it looks like your mind is telling you it can’t forgive what he did.
People hear “prostitute” and freak out (which makes sense). I completely support sex workers, though, and people who seek out sex workers, so, to me, that is not the issue. Clearly it is about seeking out things that violate the boundaries of a standard monogamous relationship (which it sounds like you’re in). It has caused you a lot of pain and chipped away at your trust, very understandably. It sounds like he has done a lot toward being transparent with you.
But it sounds like you’re not able to trust him again in spite of all that. I know therapy isn’t a blanket answer to all things, but do you have someone who can help you work through this? Do you have anyone supporting you both as a couple? I can see those being really potent places to turn to.
And then I guess the question is….do you want to move past it, if the lease weren’t a factor?
I want to applaud you for being vulnerable (even through anonymity) and sharing about the situation honestly.
I totally get how hard it can be when a relationship conflates with living in a difficult childhood home situation.
I wish you all good things!
How are these things not deal breakers for you?! Where are your standards, girl?!