My (43f) fiancé (39m) told me last night that something is wrong with me because I want sex every night. Which isn’t technically true, there are days when I could do it twice and other days where I could go without. On days I go without I would like some form of intimacy though. We have been together for almost 4 years and we have sex once a week (on rare occasions twice a week). He works shift work so part of the problem is his work schedule, but on his off days he likes to meet his buddies for drinks and has said to me that he can’t have sex when he drinks. Which apparently translates to doing anything sexual. Talking about sex, whether frequency, fantasies, trying new things, etc makes him feel “choked”. So last night instead of pressuring or initiating sex (he always turns me down), I was taking care of myself before he came to bed and he walked in on me and got upset. I would understand low libido (he says he’s not a sexual person) but I know he jerks off (sometimes twice a day) and we used to have sex more frequently and talk about sex openly. Am I a freak for wanting sex or some type of intimacy more often? Or should once a week be plenty for our situation? I’m scared that once we are married the sex will completely disappear. I know my body isn’t that of a 20 year old but I’m in the best shape I’ve been in since I was 23, and I’ve been told by many people that I’m attractive so what gives? How often do people in long term relationships have sex?
13 comments
The right amount of sex to have in a relationship is the amount that both people are happy with.
I’m 47, married 28 years – I want sex daily if not more. My wife is more of a 2-3 times per week level libido, but it’s a big deal for her to meet me on this level, so we have sex of some sort almost daily.
You aren’t a freak. And hello, most humans masturbate – shame on him for making that a problem for you doing it.
Everyone’s different man. My gf and I are 25 and have been together since 20. We have sex basically every night sometimes twice a night and even in the mornings. But we’ve heard from our older friends that as you get married and get older you have sex less frequently
He is definitely in the wrong here. It is fine for you to want sex or masturbate; he is being lame. Women who aren’t repressed are generally about as horny as men, and most men are at about the ‘once a day’ level of sexual desire. If his work is making him really tired, that’s unfortunate, but that’s a reflection on him. It also sounds like maybe he should be making more time for you. Most guys would be over the moon to be with a girl that was down to pound almost every day. Maybe he should try having fewer drinks when he’s out with the lads. This isn’t an 80’s sitcom, this is real life.
Clear communication is the key to a healthy relationship. I think you should have a conversation with him and tell him how you are feeling. Your preference for sex is at a healthy level, and if he isn’t willing to have sex, then he shouldn’t complain when you masturbate. Even if your schedules aren’t perfectly aligned, there are always going to be ways to have physical intimacy, even if not sex. My SO and I have a similar problem; on weekdays he stays up later and wakes up earlier than I do, which means we don’t get a lot of cuddle time at bed time normally. So, we find other ways to be physically intimate like showering together. Your libido is not the problem here, and he should be willing to accommodate your needs. Try to work together to think of a compromise. Maybe having sex before work?
Be kind, have fun!
Your fiancé sounds selfish and on the downhill sexually. I would be very careful about hitching your horse to his wagon! Not even 40 and he’s down yo once a week? He chooses to drink with friends vs being with you? He won’t engage in healthy conversation about sex? He’s annoyed you were getting some self pleasure when he’s consistently not doing so for you?
Where in this is your joy of relationship?
I say this to men and women – sex won’t get magically more frequent, he/she won’t suddenly want to be a good partner because you are married, and only the two of you know what you can be happy with for forty more years.
Think long and hard about even remaining.
I would at least postpone if not cancel this wedding until you this sorted out. If it can be sorted out. Things are more likely to get worse, not better.
This is something my husband and I struggle with and always have in all honesty. We’re kinda a little younger but he’s 8 years older than me. I’d prefer sex daily, and recently bargained for 3x a week… but I don’t think that’ll happen (something we just talked about). Hopefully though haha I also have the problem where he’s jerking off and if he does then there’s no hope for me that entire day/night 🫣😅 but he’s never been upset at me for taking care of myself. That parts a red flag to me… admittedly I did recently get upset about it with my husband though… in my defense the difference is he can only go once and I can go multiple times a day… so if he jerks it in the morning before work than Nomatter what I do he’s not going to be attracted until the next day maybe. Some men just prefer their hand over a woman I guess and we’ll suffer forever because of it. This situation sounds like red flags though since you’re not even apparently allowed to take care of yourself. I masturbate daily, sometimes multiple times to not bother my husband. If he doesn’t want to compromise then I’d leave before marriage cause is doesn’t get better haha we have less sex now than ever before and we’re about 8 years in now.
1-2 times a day is what I would choose too. It’s not really fair that he can wank but you can’t. Talk about how masturbation should be in the absence of sex. In your case….at least one orgasm session daily, with or without his involvement, but always PREFERRING his involvement with an open invite every day would be what you need, and what he could be having.
Tons of people want sex daily with their partner, myself included. Don’t ever let someone convince you you aren’t normal for it or don’t deserve having your needs met.
You are 100% in the right here. You’re compromising on accepting less frequent sex than you want, you’re not initiating when he doesn’t want it, you’re “taking care of yourself” and not pushing that on him.
He’s the problem. Apparently his issue isn’t that you are HL but are accommodating his lower drive… he wants you to completely hide that you’re HL at all so that he doesn’t feel guilty about the mismatch.
I guess I stand correct, It drove me crazy how sex craze my husband is(64) and I’m 36, he wants it all the time and once I get off that first time I don’t want it again til let’s say 3 to 4 days later. But I try different things to keep up with him, sometimes I prolong my orgasms or I dont let myself climax through stimulation just penetration it works but it hard sometimes to not give in and let yourself completely orgasm. Now I know I was wrong there’s nothing wrong with wanted sex a lot.
He masturbates all most daily, but doesn’t want to have sex with you? You might want to rethink your engagement, it’s not going to get better
I’m almost 35 and he’s 42 and we have sex usually every day, often twice. Been together 2 years next month. I don’t think you’re weird at all. I think his lack of willingness to compromise or even talk about it is a huge problem. He doesn’t cuddle you? I’d be craving intimacy too. I don’t think you should marry him. If he can’t make an effort to meet in the middle, you just don’t sound compatible.
You’re not a freak for wanting sex every day.
I’m the same age as you and my husband and I have sex every day – usually twice. To us that’s perfectly normal.
I would strongly advise against marrying someone with whom you’re sexually incompatible. *Especially* if they’re not even willing to talk about it.
The number one thing that people *shout from the rooftops* over in the r/deadbedrooms sub is to not marry into a dead bedroom.
It’s not going to get better, friend.
Ask him to get his testosterone levels checked out; if he refuses, please reconsider your wedding.