In the Netherlands, it would be unheard of these days to befriend someone on the street that you have never spoken to before. Small talk with strangers is generally frowned upon and people are quite distrustful when approached on the street. I have read many times before that small talk is a lot more common in the US and I would like to know how often this would lead to making new friends. I’m visiting the US again next year and would love to make new friends, but I was wondering how to go about it.
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Do not confuse small talk and efforts to be friendly with an actual attempt at friendship, or frankly even desire to talk with the person for any extended period of time. Its just a friendly social conversion that amounts to nothing more than “Hi”.
I think it would be highly unlikely in bigger cities unless you’re in a more social public space, like a bar or sporting event. Even though we engage in more small talk than most Europeans, we still generally don’t just make friends with strangers unless there’s something else (alcohol, sharing a favorite sports team/athlete) to help facilitate that.
If you want to make friends you’d probably be better off doing some type of activity and meeting people with common interests through that. Strangers will say hi and do small talk in passing, but those situations rarely lead to serious friendships, unless the two of you just happen to really click on something.
Small talk is not befriending someone or a track towards making a new friend. It’s almost always to make time go by a bit faster or to have a pleasant conversation with a stranger you’ll probably never see again.
Do not do that in NYC… you will get hustled.
I would avoid it in most downtown areas. If you go to a bar, brewery or restaurant you might have a good convo with someone. Cooking class or another fun activity as well.
The other guys comments are also true. People may return the courtesy but not really want to talk.
Street small talk never leads to friends because you can’t talk long enough to ever get to know someone, and by definition small talk never goes to subjects that would teach you anything about the person.
You can talk to someone about the weather and local sports teams all day and never know anything about them.
If you want to make friends you need to do some activities where you interact on a more serious level with people who are equally open to making friends. Those events are also more common in the US, so you won’t have trouble if you try, but please do not confuse small talk with friendship. It’s more like our version of civic duty. Small talk makes everyone feel a little less alone.
For me, slim to none because I’m fairly antisocial.
For my mother. Super easy. She’s super friendly and outgoing and will talk to anyone.
I could imagine making friends with a stranger on the street purely as a result of a few minutes of small talk *if* that small talk revealed we had something pretty big and specific in common, like we went to the same college or previously worked for the same company; and then I might, maybe, perhaps, be inclined to ask them out for a beer or see if they had any interest in keeping in touch.
As others are saying, small talk with strangers is usually just to pass the time while you have to coincidentally be in the same place.
I feel like I have only ever made three friends from random encounters. All three were in college and I don’t speak to any of them anymore. I did make some close friends through them, though.
Two weeks ago I started chatting with someone seated next to me at a wedding. Next week we’re going golfing!
It’s very confusing to foreigners. Friendly small talk seems so genuine they think it’s going somewhere. People even sort of pretend like “OH, we’ll have to do something !” but they dont actually mean it.
There are a lot of posts on here from foreigners asking why no one invites them to do things with the other office people when they seem so friendly.
This does depend on the region. New England would feel more like home than say a small town in the South.
You do meet friends in weird places. I remember I was at the hospital when my brother was rushed to the ER after eating a bowl of human shit at a party on a dare. I sat next to a dude in the waiting room and I just started talking to him out of nervousness. Better to fill the air with talk than silence. Turns out we had a lot of common interests and hung out a few times before he moved out of the city. Potential friends can be anywhere. Give it a try sometime 🙂
One way to make friends Ive used in the US, Berlin, and Canada is the Meetup app. I go on hikes and walks and by the end I usually have one or more friends where I have their contact info. The Meetup app has lots of interest groups which facilitate making friends much better than a bar. There are dancing, expat groups etc.
The older I get, the less likely it is. When I was in my early 20s, I met a lot of great people (and a few not so great) by striking up random conversations.
>and I would like to know how often this would lead to making new friends
I’d say it entirely depends.
Lets just say you go to a convention or event for something like Lego. If you talk about lego with random strangers and you’re approachable and friendly, I could see a lot of friendships being made.
Talking is incredibly easy though, you could probably talk to almost anyone that looks approachable or not too busy. Stopping people on the street to chat would be weird but lets say you’re waiting at a bus stop and something happens around you, its perfectly natural to talk about that. If you want to start a conversation you could just say “does this bus go to X” and if they give a friendly answer that’s a good opening. No one would find it weird at all if you started like that.
If you just went up to someone and said “hi, how are you today?” they might think you’re trying to sell something ahah.
Different areas of the country are different in the small talk dept. In the midwest where I’m from originally, it’s more common. On the east coast, just outside NYC where I am now, it’s a lot less common. I’m still someone who isn’t afraid to talk to new people though and I’ve made friends at the airport and with the guy who walks the black Pomeranian across the street…
Since you’re looking for new friends, if you’re in the area, hit me up! I’ve met a few redditors and have one friend I go to shows and museums and stuff with.
I’m not looking to make friends with anyone, really. I was at the beer store yesterday grabbing a 12 pack to have in the fridge, and next to my car I come out to see this nice 1974 Dodge Dart. My Grandfather had one, the same pea green. I walked back into the store and saw the older couple who likely owned it. I said “hey is that your Dart?”, speaking to the gentleman in his 70s. He said it was his, and he invited me to a car show where he shows it off. It’s in remarkable condition.
I have no idea if I’m friends with this guy or not yet, but I’ll try and get to the car show if my wife can watch the kids.
It depends where you are. In Manhattan it’s extremely common, especially if you’re sharing an experience together, like “WTF did you just see that?” kind of thing, waiting in a long line, etc. Boston is much more reserved, I don’t attempt small talk up there at all. No one in LA ever walks past each other, so that’s an unknown.
I think it is more likely to make a friend via small talk at a bar than on the street.
If you want to go somewhere where you can strike up conversations with people and be invited along to things by strangers, I suggest Minnesota.
There are some jerks, like anywhere, but I’ve never been invited into groups of strangers anywhere else in the US.
Minnesotans are often said to be the best traveled of the states. I once met a person who grew up one town over in northern Minnesota, on top of a mountain in Colombia.
Minnesotans love that bracing Dutch honesty as well!
That’s the end of my sales pitch, I hope wherever you go, it works out!
My family and I were travelling through the American Southwest once. I was in Utah with my girlfriend at the time, my sister and her boyfriend. We were staying at a hotel, but the rest of my family were staying at the house of relatives (religious relatives, we were not married so we could not stay in their house, Mormons, lol). We were near the Grand Canyon in the summer and all of the hotels were sold out for a hundred miles around. We were sitting outside of the hotel room having a few beverages when we saw a car pull up to the office. It was late at night, the car had a family and they were obviously looking for a room. The father went into the office and came back out looking dejected and exhausted and was about to pull off. I went to the car and told them we had a room we were not using and they were welcome to have it. They pulled two sleeping kids out of the back seat and took them into the room, then the parents came out with a bottle of gin and offered us drinks. We told them that we knew they were exhausted, and we did not expect them to stay up and drink with us. They insisted.
It was a family from Germany and we made fast friends. Everyone went to bed eventually. The German family insisted on paying us the next morning. I told them that family members had paid for the hotel and we did not expect payment, but they insisted. I told them $20 and they went on their way.
About a year later I got a phone call from Hans. His family was back in the US and wanted to connect. They ended up staying with us for about a week. It was a great experience. They told us that a similar situation would have never happened in Germany. They told us that Americans are very friendly and open to others.
I probably would not go up to someone on the street and start talking to them. It is not uncommon to greet strangers in passing but that is about it for street talk.
You might talk more to strangers at other places and doing other activities.
I have made friends with people through shared interests or experiences like a class, work, club, activity or common friends.
Some people are friends for a lifetime and some people are friends for a few minutes. Many Americans consider these brief chats with strangers to be a positive and welcome addition to their lives. Not every interaction is captivating, but you hear a genuinely interesting story or tidbit of information often enough to feel the possibility is always there.
Some people are just naturally friendly and make friends easily. Some don’t. I think it’s possible but not happening often for most people
Small talk is one thing, but I wouldn’t expect the person behind me at Starbucks to become a life long friend.
My grandmother is notorious for this. She’s made good friends with people sitting in restaurants on the plane next to her waiting in line etc. However that’s not really common.
On my last drive from Michigan to Georgia, I stopped for gas in Tennessee and randomly struck up a conversation with the guy on the other side of the gas pump from me.
If you wanna know how I did it… I saw from the car that he was driving (an older BMW that was very clearly modified), deduced that he was a car guy, and made a joke about myself driving with my roof down and my hair now completely being a mess. He got a good laugh out of that, and we just…. started talking. We ultimately ended up having dinner together at a Wendy’s nearby and we talked about families, schooling, jobs, etc., and added each other on Facebook. He’s a cool guy, I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with him for the hour or so.
I just happened to choose that exit to get gas, he lived nearby and just happened to go out for a drive and get gas at the same place at the same time, neither of us had any urgent need to get going, so it was a ton of luck and happenstance, but it’s possible.
It takes a little bit of confidence to try to talk to a stranger, sure, but it takes a little bit of social intuition and observational skills to open a conversation.
For instance, if you looked approachable, and (as a total example), I saw you having trouble with some kind of computer or device, I’d observe (noticing your username in this case), and try to help (I’m in IT so I might be able to help somehow) while introducing some humor to help relieve the frustration by making some kind of joke like, “The last time something gave me that much trouble, I was trying to exit vim!” I’d then see how the joke was received and how conversation goes from there.
Now keep in mind, this is me saying this as Midwesterner. Generally speaking in the Midwest, the informal rules are to be friendly and don’t be a jerk. You’ll find that New York City and Boston will be way different, lol. 😆
In the 1960s/70s or now? Lol
Not likely, but depending on what part of the country you go to, you might make friends more easily overall. In the Northeast, I might go years without really meeting most of my neighbors, or any, though people might make a wisecrack or small talk in the grocery checkout line or at a flea market or sitting near you at a sports event, etc.
Out West, or down South, you will definitely meet your neighbors, and may wind up best friends with one.
Small rural/farm town it can happen. Not very common. You’d bullshit for awhile at best but end up bumping into each other a few more times. It happens. Bigger towns, cities? Unless your neighbors probably just small talk to be polite.
I make friends all the time on the street, if you are having a beer outside a bar and start talking there is a good chance you will become friends. I met an Australian woman the other day just laughing and having a few beers, we ended up having a one night stand together and i am making her street tacos right now which she is obsessed with.
Its unlikely to make friends but often times you will learn about the person, where they’re from. Maybe something else
If you’re in a popular area where people drink and bar hop late, then you have a good chance of meeting people and possibly becoming friends. Easier the later it is in the night. Also more likely at places like college towns, beaches, camping/festivals, being in Las Vegas, etc.
Just walking down the street in the daytime, sober, likely would not be possible.