I have been dating this guy for three weeks now, and we hit off perfectly since the first date. We both felt the undescribable connection and we can speak about anything and be really open and transparent. In such a short time, we have grown very fond of each other and it’s mutual. We both suffer from anxiety, but both are doing well. He hasn’t really gone through any therapy but reads a lot of books and investigates a lot and self-reflects. I went through a 3-year therapy and am still using a very low dosage anti-depressant for my anxiety.
The thing is, he goes partying rarely – approximately twice a year. He visits his friend in France where they take MDMA and go rave. He says he doesn’t use any alcohol with it. He was against MDMA himself until he tried it few years ago. Why he uses it, is the fact that it makes him more open and outgoing as a person and happier too and the raves are better. Now he is going to a 3-day rave festival next month with his best friend and his girlfriend. Yoga and meditation in the morning and afternoon, then raving. He says there are mostly people in the raves for the sake of the atmosphere and fun, no one’s really there to hook up.
We discussed this and I explained that obviously he can do whatever he wants, but this makes me very anxious and uncomfortable due to the uncertainty. He drew a line where he wants to use it, but I’m afraid I will be anxious all the time once he is away. He told me he would hate me to feel anxious cause of him, and most likely it would also make the experience less.
He showed me a documentary where MDMA is used more and more with e.g. PTSD patients, and I would fully support that, but if you need to take MDMA to feel happy to party few times a year, it just doesn’t make any sense to me.
Would there be anyone up for giving me advice or experience of having been in the same situation? Or words of affirmation, you name it. Any advice is highly appreciated!
TL;DR A guy I’ve been dating for a while uses MDMA few times a year when going raving, which makes me very uncomfortable. Need some people to talk to in regards of this who have experience of it.
9 comments
>this makes me very anxious and uncomfortable due to the uncertainty
… of what? What is it your actually afraid of?
> but if you need to take MDMA to feel happy to party few times a year, it just doesn’t make any sense to me.
It doesn’t have to make sense to you. The question is why it bother you that it makes sense to him. You don’t have to see eye to eye on every issue.
What is the uncertaintly that makes you “uncomfortable”? (And, by the way, I’ve said before that I hate the use of that word these days. It’s kind of a masking word. What is it really? Fear that he will cheat? Fear that he will be open in a way that excludes you? A hatred for drugs in general? etc.)
Don’t let Reddit gaslight you. It’s ok to be uncomfortable with drugs and it’s ok to not want to associate with people who do them. People who tend to use drugs tend to be less reliable than those who do not use them.
This is really a question for yourself. Are you ok with it or aren’t you?
If it makes you feel upset and insecure to know that your BF will be taking party drugs to feel more open and relaxed at raves while he is in a foreign country, you may be incompatible as a couple. What would make you happiest – having him completely give up using MDMA to enhance his party experience – would make him very unhappy, and vice versa.
I have no desire to take mind-altering drugs myself, but I have quite a few dear friends who use “Molly” much more regularly than your BF. I’ve never seen it turn anyone into some sex-crazed nut job, or get them into serious physical trouble. They get exactly like your BF said he feels, a little more open, relaxed, joyful, and energetic. They want to dance and laugh and party all night long.
I don’t think I’d mind much if my husband said he wanted to try MDMA to improve his party mood, since he is an introvert and it might help him enjoy large gatherings much more than he typically does. OTOH I’ve always liked it that he doesn’t have any more interest than I do in recreational drug use, so I can’t say with 100 percent certainty that I’d be cool with it if he changed his mind, or wanted to take it every time he went out. And in any case, I’m not you. IMO you are going to be even more unhappy if you try to relax and let your BF do what he wants, if you are strongly opposed to potentially dangerous, illegal recreational drug use.
If his occasional MDMA use actively worries you and makes you feel less secure in the relationship, and if he doesn’t want to upset you but he also hates to give it up because it works so well for him, then both of you would probably be happier with different partners who share similar views to your own.
You’ve known this guy for 3 weeks and have found something you don’t like about him. Personally, I don’t want to be with someone who uses recreational drugs, so this guy wouldn’t be for *me*. He may have other good qualities, but for *me*, that wouldn’t be enough. You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for *you*.
At only 3 weeks in, you’re infatuated with him, but you don’t *know* him. If you’ve thought about this issue and have decided that it is a dealbreaker for you, now would be the time to cut him loose, instead of later down the road when it becomes a greater source of friction and the stakes are higher.
What are you anxious about? Him cheating on you? Or you just don’t approve of drugs?
In any case you could use the upcoming festival he’s going to to see how you feel when he’s away. If you can’t handle it then you should probably break up. He’s made his boundaries clear and it’s not really fair to guilt him over something that improves his life, or for you to feel anxious over him doing a relatively normal thing
> A guy[31M] I’m[30F] dating uses MDMA for party use couple times a year, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable.
Then don’t date druggie losers. Ez pz
You just don’t want to see a man happy for once lmao