My wife and I have been together 5 years, married 2, and expecting our first child. We’ve been trying for over a year so we were over the moon when we found out she was pregnant. She was a little nervous about her body changing but I assured her that I would always find her beautiful inside and out.
During her first trimester she felt sick all the time and as a result intimacy was almost non-existent. I didn’t complain about the lack of intimacy during this time because I knew she couldn’t help it. A few weeks into the second trimester things turned around though and she started trying to initiate sex.
This is where problems arose. She was starting to show at this point which made it impossible to deny that there was a little baby in there. I couldn’t stay hard because I felt like we were doing it right in front of the baby. She was understanding at first (I have had ED issues in the past and she has always been kind and never shamed me for it) and she suggested we do hand stuff and oral instead. However I explained I didn’t feel like doing anything sexual with the baby in the room. She said the baby was the size of a grape and didn’t have a brain yet but I told her it wasn’t about logic, I just felt gross and I couldn’t enjoy it.
Over the next few weeks she kept trying to initiate sex and I kept turning her down. I started to get a little annoyed by the second week of this because she knew very well how I felt about it yet kept asking.
Last night when I turned her down for sex once again she blew up at me and said she never would have married me if she thought I was the kind of guy to lose attraction to his pregnant wife while she’s carrying his child. I tried to explain that I’m still attracted to her but she didn’t listen, she packed a bag and went to her parents’ house.
I got a text from my brother in law a few hours later asking if I’m ok and what happened so I guess at least she hasn’t been spinning a negative story about me to my in laws. I haven’t responded to the text though. I’m confused and heartbroken our marriage might end over something so trivial.
How can I get her to understand that I really am still attracted to her?
49 comments
The way you are acting is incredibly odd. You know your sperm is alive too don’t you?
Sounds like now is a fantastic time for marital counseling so you two can get your shit together before the baby arrives. Your marriage will only get more difficult when you’re both lacking sleep.
Ultimately, if you’re not in the mood, no one can force you to be in the mood. But I’m not sure what good insisting you’re attracted to her will do when you can’t bring yourself to act on it. So if you want your marriage to get through this, you need to be willing to at least try and come to grips with this feeling you acknowledge is irrational. Especially when if the baby being around is the problem, I’m not sure if she can trust this will go away once it’s born but still in your house, or if you will see her differently when she’s a mom.
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Individual counseling and then couples counseling. You need to work through your stuff.
I get where you’re coming from, but you also need to get where she is coming from. Pregnancy enhances emotions and she wanted an emotional connection and you rejected her on multiple occasions.
I’m sure you’ve heard that, generally, men are more physical orientated with sex whereas women have a more emotional connection. Essentially, when she most needed you emotionally because of her hormones and body changes, you rejected her.
So, by understanding her perspective, do you now understand what you unintentionally did to her? Because if you do, you should be dropping everything and chasing after her to your in laws, apologizing, and showing her affection (even if you can’t keep it up).
Lol you’re a sad man
Idk man.
You sound like a little boy and not a grown man with his wife.
This won’t be popular but you need to grow up dude.
Get some counseling or something.
It’s not ‘something trivial’.
I suggest counseling.
Dude… just fuck your wife. Dear lord. What is wrong with you. Baby isnt even born. Shes overly emotional because shes pregnant. her hormones are out of whack. Now is not the time to take a stance, especially over something stupid like this.
>I didn’t feel like doing anything sexual with the baby in the room.
So suddenly she became an incubator.
>I just felt gross
You literally told her she grossed you out. And you are shocked that she left?
If you are not mature enough to understand (a) the fetus or cells have no clue what’s going on in terms of sex or whatever, (b) your wife is a PERSON with feelings; then you are not mature enough to be married and have a child. Didn’t you even think about this BEFORE having a baby to, you know, work on it before your wife got pregnant???
>she hasn’t been spinning a negative story about me to my in laws.
She doesn’t have to spin anything. The facts are already bad enough!!!!! And you are not taking responsibility for what you said and your actions. You even think what happened was TRIVIAL?!?!
I would say, maybe this isn’t just about sex. Although I’m sure that’s a part of it. She is a vulnerable place right now. Her body is changing and hormones are all over the place. She’s already worried you don’t find her attractive. Were you attentive in other ways? Intimacy is not only sex. Did you hold her, tell her you loved her, kiss and cuddle with her? Maybe these things would help her feel connected to you. It’s hard being pregnant. I used to have dreams that my husband was cheating on me when I’ve never had those concerns irl.
OP, you told her you are still attracted to her, but your actions showed her otherwise. Not being able to sustain an erection is no big deal and she’s been clear about that. But telling her all forms of sex won’t happen while she’s pregnant makes her feel like you don’t see her as anything more than a baby housing and certainly not as an attractive woman. It’s not a trivial thing and the more you insist it is, the more this endangers your marriage. Treat it like the serious problem it is and seek counseling to get you two back to some form of intimacy.
Your wife is in a very vulnerable state. She probably already has issues and concerns over her attractiveness due to the changes her body is going through. As you said, your wife had no control over her illness early in the pregnancy. However, you do have control over how you make her feel about being pregnant. No one can force you to want to have sex, but you should be more understanding about what she is going through.
Consider therapy to help overcome your mental issues regarding pregnancy and sex. Her were physical, not much to be done about them, but wait for them to subside.
>I felt like we were doing it right in front of the baby.
This is childish and dumb. You understand that’s not what’s happening, right? The baby can’t see you, and doesn’t know you’re having sex. They likely can’t even hear anything beyond your wife’s heartbeat if she’s far enough along (around 18 weeks). I’d be mad too if I was your wife.
You’re treating her like an incubator so obviously she’s hurt. She shouldn’t try to force you but Jesus dude imagine how gross she feels
Hard to rationalise your question with your actions, you clearly aren’t turned on by your wife at the moment so your first step is to admit it to yourself and then to her. If you can make that step then perhaps she will entertain the conversation that it’s about your mental state and not her looks. There are lots of ways you can show affection that don’t involve sex so explain that you’ll do better in other ways. It might be too short term for therapy to help but it’s worth a try if you can get a session quickly although it might not help. Volunteering will definitely help your relationship though. Although it’s irrational you can’t help how you feel (I know because I was a lot worse than this) so you need to vocalise this as the specific reason you aren’t sexually attracted to her right now as it gives hope for the future when she isn’t pregnant.
No you’re not. Your actions speak louder than words. Your wife is in her super horny stage and you turned her down because of her appearance. You suck at gaslighting and you’re asking for help on how to.
A lot of women get really horny during pregnancy.
>I just felt gross and I couldn’t enjoy it.
>
>she blew up at me and said she never would have married me if she thought I was the kind of guy to lose attraction to his pregnant wife while she’s carrying his child.
That’s why she thinks you’re not attracted to her. You felt too grossed out to have sex with her because she’s carrying your child. Let’s just be honest, you’re grossed out because you see her as an incubator, sadly.
You can’t convince her that you’re still attracted to her. If possible, marriage counseling and individual counselings.
What will you do when your baby is born and your wife is also “mom”? Will that turn you off too?
I don’t think you have to have sex with your wife if you don’t want to, of course. But I’d dig a bit with the help of a therapist to understand what’s the deal with this. Because as it is it sounds like you shelved your wife as: “the thing around my baby”, and I get why she would be pissed off.
“How can I get her to understand that I really am still attracted to her?”
You can screw her brains out.
Women’s sex drives are a lot higher when pregnant. You are denying her. You are denying her of normal intimacy and destroying her self esteem. She’s supposed to go 9 months without sex? Just let her go so she can find someone who will fulfill all her needs and not break her down
Feeling the way you do is not really the problem– I’m sure it’s reasonably common. However, refusing to address it and ignoring your wife’s distress, is. To brush her sexual needs off as “trivial” is really awful especially when she’s already tried finding compromises. I would be hurt enough to walk out, too. Sounds like you wouldn’t even be willing to stay in the room with her while she pleasures herself, and give her non-sexual intimacy? Like, you can’t expect her to just be a nun until she gives birth.
Having physical intimacy withheld is really damaging to a person’s self-esteem. And it may be valid to abstain at this point–no one can force you to have sex–but it’s not really rational, and you need to acknowledge this to yourself and to her, and suggest couple’s counseling.
Otherwise, by the time the baby shows up the relationship is already going to be so strained that you’ll be hard-pressed to handle the stress of parenthood with her.
No, you don’t owe your wife sex. But please get a clue. Pregnancy hormones are crazy and sometimes you need physical release and connection with your spouse.
You need to apologize to your wife for handling this situation so poorly. Although you shouldn’t minimize your feelings, you handled it through pure rejection over something she can’t change. You didn’t offer alternatives, didn’t communicate effectively, and ensured that she felt awful about asking for intimacy from you.
I wouldn’t care if my spouse couldn’t keep it up. It happens. But your actions around it make the difference. It costs you nothing to help your wife achieve release, even if you can’t.
Just remember that actions have positive and negative consequences. You told your wife that she is on her own for gratification. Don’t be surprised if she shuts down and pushes you out of her emotional side as well as physical.
Of course he deleted his account
This isn’t trivial. You aren’t taking it serious enough. It’s not going to end well if you don’t deal with your issues.
This is not trivial, this is very important. You need to acknowledge that first. Marriage counseling may help you guys.
Unfortunately, if her being pregnant, a baby being “around”, turned you off so much now, it is unlikely that you will be able to have sex with her when you guys actually have kids. They sleep in the same room for a while and then they will start barging into rooms and even before that age they will definitely start to cry as soon as you start to have sex more often than not and everything.
Ultimately, it is your choice to have sex or not. No one can force you. You have the right to discard her as a woman as soon as she gets pregnant. And no one can force her to stay in a sexless marriage.
So to answer the question you pose at the bottom of your post.
By showing her. By being physically affectionate with her. It doesn’t have to be sex. Kissing, cuddling, caressing, whispering to her while holding her how beautiful she is, how happy you are that she is apart of your life, and that you both are going to be welcoming a new life into the world. Showing her every single moment how amazing she is.
Talk to her more. Tell her that you are attracted to her, but you have a mental block at the moment about the baby.
That you know she is right, that the baby isn’t developed much at the moment, but that doesn’t remove your block.
Tell her that you want to be able to please her sexually, but at the moment you can’t.
Tell her that you won’t stop showing her how amazing she is, but until you can get past the mental block sex is off the table.
Tell her that you want couples counselling.
This should hopefully get your marriage back on track.
Okey dokey! Lot to unpack here, OP. This is coming from a pregnant woman & my lovely lovely husband who is offering his own advice next to me.
First thing, you need to start therapy. And marriage counseling. You don’t have to want sex 24/7 but your reasons are kinda…. “You’re pregnant with my baby & that’s all I want you for” even if that’s not your intention.
Second, kinda understand the ‘in front of a baby’ thing but at the same time, it has absolutely no clue what is going on. Oral, doggy, missionary. It won’t acknowledge any of that.
Third, if you can’t have sex with her now, while it’s just cells and still developing and lacking situational awareness, what the hell are you gonna do when it’s in a crib or bassinet? When it’s just a room away and can hear? Or, when it inevitably starts crawling, then walking? Where will your intimacy be then?
Fourth thing, OP, her hormones are off the chart. My husband can vouch for this but both times I’ve been pregnant, I wanted to be touched 24/7. Everywhere. At all times. My husband was coming home on lunch breaks to help me get it out of my system. The shower, the bed, the car. Those hormones can drive you CRAZY. To completely reject her like you’re doing, especially if she’s feeling anything close to what I am, no wonder she left. I’m sorry but good grief.
You gotta figure something out, OP. She didn’t suddenly lose sexual desires because you got her pregnant. You’re treating her like an object to grow your baby regardless of what she wants/needs.
I can’t help you with your issues about feeling uncomfortable having sex with a pregnant woman. I can assure you that the future baby has no idea what is happening. I do want you to understand the hormonal changes happening at this stage in your wife’s pregnancy. One of the results in these hormonal changes is that we women get really, really amorous. She is the equivalent of a 13 yo boy popping a boner for no reason. Hope this helps you understand her frustration.
I don’t know how to do that but here to add something that may be your TIL. When my wife was pregnant, I ask the OB about sex during pregnancy and was worried about harming the baby. She stated that Sex during pregnancy has a lot of benefits. It helps mom exercise and stay fit, it helps to bond pairs even more, and the semen also helps the amniotic sack.
Why can’t all the mismatched libido relationships get shaken up in a big blender and rearranged so that all the sex starved husbands can be with the undertouched wives, and the asexual and/or low low libido folks can get on with however it is they prefer to do things. Such a shame to hear story after story like this from all sides.
what i’m getting from this is she thinks you’re not attracted to her anymore JUST because she’s pregnant. maybe showing her intimacy in other ways, there are things you can do for her other than sex that is still intimate whether that be cuddling her, or kissing her or even just like making out. also maybe figuring out what your guys love languages are because she may just feel like she’s not loved and her hormones are getting the best of her right now.
Rejection is something that you never get over, no matter how much time passes. I’m not saying she was right to walk out, but I understand. She’s very hormonal and has been since she got pregnant, more so as time passes.
It might’ve served if you’d had a discussion about expectations, but I suppose it’s a bit late for that now.
“Over the next few weeks she kept trying to initiate sex and I kept turning her down. I started to get annoyed by the second week of this because she knew very well how I felt about it yet kept asking.”
I’ve heard sooooo many women express similar sentiments. I think this is the first time I’ve heard this from a man.
This is part of the reason I’m never having children. Imagine building a life with someone and thinking they see you as a full person, then when you start a family that THEY wanted, you aren’t human anymore, you’re just a Mom. She probably thought you were different, and you proved her wrong. And not only that, you think it’s crazy that she wants to be anything more than that. I hope she gets into therapy and is able to feel herself again.
Today it’s because she has a baby inside her. Tomorrow will it be because she is breastfeeding and her boobs are used by the baby? This is not a trivial matter and the fact you don’t see that is bad.
Seek counseling. Although it may be too late.
As a formerly pregnant woman whose sex life became non existent, you need to understand the emotions she’s feeling. My husband felt the same as you, but any time he denied sex all I thought was that he MUST be repulsed by me. My brain told me that if he really thought I was attractive he’d want to do it. I also felt pressure to do it because I didn’t want our sex life to disappear so that worries me. Your wife is going to through a lot right now. You need to have completely open and transparent conversations about your thoughts and needs as a couple. Once I had my baby our sex life came back and it’s been great! I believe with communication it’s possible to work through this.
I don’t have much advice but my husband and I had sex maybe twice after I found out I was pregnant. He didn’t enjoy it and my sex drive really took a dump. When I did feel like having sex, he didn’t. He said it was a bit weird and just didn’t like the feeling while I was pregnant. I respected that and now that I’m no longer pregnant sex is just like before. It does take a lot of communication to make sure that both of you understand what’s happening and why. He def reassured me in other ways. We took more local trips than usual, went on more date nights and so on. Maybe try talking to her and spending more time doing self care for both of you.
Your wife is growing your child, and she wants to feel loved. Her hormones are ask over the place and you are rejecting physical intimacy.
Show her some love!
Your wife is going through the hardest and newest challenge of her life. Her body is changing and she feels insecure enough already without feeling rejected by her husband. That baby doesn’t have any understanding of sex but your WIFE does. Your wife has a brain, and consciousness, and feelings- and you have hurt those feelings. Far be it for me to order anyone to have sex if they don’t want to, but is this worth ending your marriage over? Because I can see why it could be a dealbreaker for her.
If you’re having trouble staying hard, viagra is an option. If you truly feel horrified enough by the idea of sex that you don’t want to compromise on this, I would suggest counselling- for you and for both of you as a couple. You may still think she’s beautiful, but I can see why she doesn’t believe it if you can’t keep it hard AND don’t want to do anything intimate with her for NINE MONTHS- longer, even, since you can’t do anything sexual for 6 weeks at minimum after birth. You are essentially unilaterally deciding that this marriage will be sexless for the next year or more. I’d probably leave too.
Wow, people suck so much. I feel sorry for OP for the amount of hate he’s getting.
Dead bedrooms are hard. Talking will help. Both parties’ feelings and needs are valid. If he can’t have sex, then he can’t have sex. Hopefully they’ll both find a good compromise by talking things out. One (helpful) comment mentioned toys. Also, Perhaps OP can consider giving massages to rebuild intimacy while he can’t have sex. Donno. Talking and trying things out will help.
Also for the comments who say “man up” are disgusting. So, are the people who are painting the wife like an animal in heat and completely at the mercy of her hormones.
You really need to get over your issue, because that’s a you problem. The baby isn’t in the room, and it’s honestly ridiculous that you feel she needs to understand this rather than you find a way to get over it. It isn’t exactly rational. No wonder she’s upset, you’re absolutely denying her needs over an irrational fear.. maybe talk to a doctor or counsellor or something. Just because she’s pregnant doesn’t mean she doesn’t wanna leave you over this for those saying it’s hormones talking. She might very well resent you forever for this because you’re being selfish and refusing to find a way to compromise. If the baby really was in the room, and earthside, sure. But it’s not… you have to understand that because it’s frankly ridiculous that you won’t have sex, or even help your partner orgasm over this, after months of you guys not being able to be intimate. She’s right
I know exactly how you feel. I told my boyfriend I wouldn’t want to have sex when I get pregnant in the future for that exact reason. I’d feel disgusting and do just thinking about it. Some people get it and some don’t. You set your boundary and she didn’t except it. Now it’s just about trying to get her to understand and move on or you’re gonna have bigger problems. Either way I’m glad I’m not the only person like that.
You’re being an idiot in several capacities.
1) the baby isn’t in the room. What the hell are you even talking about?
2) marriage is a partnership and requires compromise
3) actual sex does increase risk of miscarriage
So to answer your question. Tell her you don’t want to risk miscarriage with sex, but then also show her you’re still attracted to her by doing other fun sexual stuff.
I think it’s funny that OP thinks his wife will even want to have sex with him after she gives birth. I’m sorry, but if my husband refused/grossed out, to have sex/be romantic or loving with me while I was pregnant…. Then I sure as hell wouldn’t have sex with him after I gave birth either. So I could get pregnant again and have to go through the same shit with him again? No thank you. He has officially tanked his marriage and basically shown her she is nothing but an incubator and brood mare for him.
No one is saying he should be forced to have sex with her, but the reason he’s giving is flawed, false and ridiculous. That baby is in her uterus and it sure af doesn’t have X-ray vision. Unless he’s pile driving her with his 15” penis(even then, not so much)..It’s not getting into her uterus and poking the baby in its eye, ffs. OP needs some therapy.
Have you considered that your wife wants to enjoy her body and her last months of freedom with you before she possibly gets too unwieldy feeling, and before giving birth and having to ride out whatever physical /hormonal storms follow (potentially for years)? She knows she will be different. She’s turning to you for connection and pleasure in the now, and you are not there.
ED issues at 26 and won’t have sex with her after knocking her up? I’d leave too, it’s not looking good for you at all. If this is what the sex is like at 26 with only 1 kid on the way she’s probably realizing it’s all down hill from here and this marriage is doomed.
its crazy u f****ed her to make that baby and now ur all grossed out?? maybe she shouldnt have married u bro bc u cant even handle the “mess” YOU HELPED MAKE. do u even know what the covenant of marriage means dude??? im praying for u man. get ur head straight with some therapy