I’m not sure why I’m coming here. I guess I just don’t want other people in our lives to know about this. I’m embarrassed and overwhelmed. This is kind of a long post, I’m sorry. I just need to talk it out. I found out at a friends birthday party that my boyfriend of 3.5 years had been recording us in bed, sharing details of our sex life, and even sharing videos of us with his friends prior to us being formally together.
We were all drinking at a friend of his birthday/ house warming party. My boyfriend in currently out of town on business but I went because I’m great friends with that friend’s girlfriend. At the party another friend of his was pretty drunk and wouldn’t stop following me around and eventually cornered me as I was about to leave. He made the comment “let me show you a better time than ****, I saw he didn’t show you what you deserve.” Or something like that. He then went on to tell me he knows I have a great body and that he’d rather see it in person than a phone. I was so confused, had been drinking, and just wanted to leave.
My boyfriend came back from his work trip 2 days later and I asked him about it. He said his friend was just drunk and probably just meant something about my social media posts. However, a few hours later he stepped outside to make a phone call claiming it was for work and I listened in on our ring app and could hear him yelling at his friend even with him being some distance away. I couldn’t hear all of it but enough to make out that he pretty much admitted to recording us.
I immediately confronted him when he came in and he broke down apologizing saying that the things he showed his friends was before he ever thought we’d actually date and that he stopped the moment he had felt something for me. That he hasn’t recorded anything since we were official begged for me to accept his apology and that nothing like that would happen again. I asked to see the videos and text messages and he said he didn’t have them anymore.
He said that men do these things and that I wouldn’t understand as a woman. He was so upset that I was so mad he hit the wall and broke a vase. I’ve never seen that behavior from him. I’m just really embarrassed. I love him so much and I never would have thought he’d do something like this to me. I can’t even stand sleeping next to him. I don’t want to go to dinners or outings with our friend group anymore since I don’t know who has seen those details of me. I’m horrified and I don’t feel the same way anymore I don’t think. Is this something that can be worked through? Do men do these things?
TL;DR my boyfriend admitted to recording us in bed and sending that and pictures to friends before he realized he wanted to date me. He apologized and begged for forgiveness and said that men just do things like that being stupid and that he would never do that again and he stopped the moment he knew he wanted to date. Is this normal? Am I stupid to not be able to forgive that? Is it even something that can be worked through? I’m just so overwhelmed.
35 comments
You absolutely know why you are coming here. There ara a lot of red flags here 🚩. Leave him
Jesus wept. You have been used, paraded in-front of other men and lied to
Grow up and leave him
You. Need. To. Leave. Him.
This is NOT normal.
This is an invasion of privacy.
What he did is disgusting and he shows no real remorse, instead blames his gender.
He showed aggression to garner sympathy. Gross.
How can you trust him bot to do this again?
I’m pretty sure this is illegal in most states.
Eta: he objectifies women unless they are “his”.
Run as fast as you can. Recording someone without their consent, showing to friends, this man has no regard for human dignity.
I cannot breathe. He did WHAT? 💀
>let me show you a better time than ****,
SHHSUWYHW???????? The audacity.
>He said that men do these things and that I wouldn’t understand as a woman.
So you’re just supposed to be okay with him parading you on display like you’re part of Price Is Right or something? I CANNOT.
>Do men do these things?
Madam, GOOD men DON’T do these things.
He recorded you without consent. He SHOWED it to his friends. Then smashed a vase out of anger because he got caught, NOT because he’s sorry.
I’m tired. 🤡
Sharing sexually explicit content of an adult without their consent is actually a crime, in addition to the violation of trust that it creates in a relationship, so no, men in general do not “do these things.”
>cornered me as I was about to leave. He made the comment “let me show you a better time than ****
His actions are also literally putting you in danger. I don’t know how much grace you want to show this person or how much you believe his words, but I personally would not be able to tolerate that level of disrespect even if it happened a long time ago.
>He said that men do these things and that I wouldn’t understand as a woman. He was so upset that I was so mad he hit the wall and broke a vase
Call the cops what he did would qualify as revenge porn. Let him understand all he wants in a prison cell.
Recording and distributing porn of you without your knowledge or consent is not “something men just do.” It is, in fact, something you could potentially file charges over, which is why he’s trying desperately to persuade you it’s not the big deal that it is. The fact he claims he wouldn’t have done it if he’d known he wanted something more serious with you should also tell you there are a whole bunch of other women out there who may not even know they’ve also been used this way or who’s seen them in what was supposed to be a private moment.
Add the cover-up attempt even after you realized there was something wrong, and the breaking stuff in anger, and I don’t even know why he’s trying to use “what men do” as an excuse, because trash-eating scavengers have more compassion and better morals that this. Throw the whole…whatever he is away.
Please warn the other women in the friend group. If he thinks “men do it”, the other men in the friend group are also violating their girlfriends like this.
That is not what men do, that is what creeps do.
videos of you naked having sex are Out there, you have no idea who watched them and who still has them all because you bf was an awful human being.
That is disturbing and disgusting combined with his reaction and the whole thing is Just very dangerous. LEAVE ASAP.
Oh no. No. No. Nope.
To all of that.
Predatory friend.
Aggressive/abusive fiance. Because yes, throwing, breaking, hitting is abusive. He was trying to control your response by any means necessary because he wants you to be okay with him stomping over your boundaries, violating your privacy, secretly recording you?!, etc.
Then he tops it off with the “men just so this. You. A mere woman. Could never understand”
I’m sure you could put things behind you, pretend it never happened, go and marry him. I mean, anyone can sweep things under the rug.
I’m telling you it would not be to your benefit, but the opposite.
This ‘side’ you are just now seeing of him? That IS him.
And it will only be the beginning.
Not “all men” record without consent. Not “all men” stomp your boundaries and violate your privacy. They don’t yell, break, hit things in order to *control your response/the situation (that is abuse), and they don’t hang out with predatory ass men that think it is okay to corner their fiance and sexually harass her.
This fiance of yours? If you tell him it is over, he will do anything and say anything to make you believe it is “all different now because now you’re *mine” “we weren’t official so I didn’t think I had to show basic respect”. As if that excuses treating any woman/any one person the way he treated you.
It is good you know this now before you have married because he is not the one for you.
As a man I’m going to first apologize to you for your “Dude”. No, this isn’t what men do. This “dude” hangs out with friends that openly hit on their friends partner. Does that make any sense? What do you think your “dude” does when you aren’t around? BTW, this reads like he’s more upset about his buddy making a move on you then the fact that he destroyed your trust by recording you and sharing it with others.
You appear to be a very well put together individual. Leave the “dude” and take a bit of time for yourself. There is a fantastic guy out there that is going to show you what a real relationship is all about.
All the best!
Men DO NOT do these things. Wtf? This is not ok. At all. He’s a serious POS and so are his friends. What would you say to your best friend or sister if she told you this happened to her? Girl get away from him and his friends. I guarantee you his friend saved all those.
Leave him leave him leave him. Press charges if you want to. His excuses are MEANINGLESS.
1. It doesn’t matter if it was before you were official. One night stands don’t have permission to record you without your consent. Long term partners don’t have permission to record you without your consent.
2. This is not something that all men do. He and his friends are disgusting.
Firstly, recording someone and sharing it is against the law, secondly you’re dating someone who thinks doing that kind of thing is perfectly fine as long as you don’t have feelings for them.
Then, when confronted, instead of accepting his behaviour was wrong and throwing himself on your mercy he gets angry at your reaction, takes no responsibility and claims you wouldn’t understand why as you’re a woman.
If you had a daughter what advice would you give her in this situation? I doubt very much it would be suck it up and stay.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Men DO NOT do these things. -My husband
No mature MAN would do this. That is a sick thing for an immature POS to do to somebody.
And getting physically violent because HE got caught??
Get out. Get out. Sue him, file a police report, I don’t even know what to do but that is disgusting. I’m so sorry.
Run. He’s unhinged, first for recording the videos and sharing them in the first place, but as well for his reaction.
You don’t want someone who treats others like that in your life or your future family’s life.
So he only started to respect you once he had feelings and thought the relationship might go somewhere. Until then you didn’t deserve respect. I bet there’s a lot of other women in his life he’s found not worth of respect and did this to them too.
I find it hard to believe that a man who only respects a woman once he wants her for more than sexist doesn’t display misogyny otherwise. That he doesn’t otherwise objectify women.
I’d be terrified of what he’d do next time if his feelings for you ever wane or he just really mad at you.
Btw hitting and breaking inanimate objects when angry is a precursor to hitting a person. See above terrified comment.
No men don’t do these things.
@55holes who want to gaslight women tell them that men do these things to try to make light of it so they can get away with absolutely horrendous behavior.
I don’t know where you live but in a lot of places filming someone having sex without their knowledge is a criminal offense. Distributing that afterwards may be another.
I don’t know what result you want in the end but I would be so done with this clown and I would make sure that he and his buddies had to delete everything even if I had to get a court order and put them at risk of legal action if they don’t comply.
Don’t marry this guy.
report him to the police
> I listened in on our ring app and could hear him yelling at his friend even with him being some distance away. I couldn’t hear all of it but enough to make out that he pretty much admitted to recording us.
If this was saved as a recording in ring, you need to download it ASAP for evidence.
Your BF is lying. Nobody does this!!!
You need to:
– Make 100% sure he deletes EVERYTHING, even from every cloud or back up.
– You need to get advice from a lawyer (criminal lawyer) on how to make sure he doesn’t go and upload everything to the web. You can get him a cease and desist or anything to keep documentation.
– If he does anything, even a small threat, you immediately go to the police. Filming you without your consent is illegal. Sharing videos of you having sex without your consent is illegal. And putting porn online of you is illegal.
You should go to the police this is illegal and he should go to jail for it.
Hi, man here, no this is not something that “men” do. This is something that some extremely insecure boys do to try to pump themselves up around their friends. If my wife shared photos or videos of our intimate moments without my permission, I would feel violated and objectified, and it would absolutely change how I see her. I do not think I would get over something like that. I would likely always wonder who else had seen the photos or videos or who else they had been sent to.
This is gross and if I were you, I would end the engagement. And no, most men do not do things like that.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
He may not have the videos but that doesn’t mean his friends don’t. And I doubt he no longer has them.
You need to leave him immediately because not only is that a red flag and potentially illegal, his anger is worrying.
Stay safe love.
ETA: when you do break up, message that friend thanking him for showing him the type of person you were with and the type of friends he has.
LMFAO. Yeah, something scummy guys like your bf and his buddies do I guess.
So basically, your privacy doesn’t matter unless you are dating? Nice. Low character AF.
Men do not just do this. Think about what he said; if you hadn’t got together he would still probably be sharing that video.
It’s not like he came clean after you started dating either; you had to find out from one of his drunk friends. I don’t know how you get past this.
Do you even know everyone he shared it with? Is it out there on the web?
my ex did this kind of thing – shared my nudes, anyway. i have no idea if he shared vids we made. probably.
he also verbally and sexually abused me, tore me down emotionally, and reminded me constantly that i was crazy, ugly, and nobody else would want me, and that he loved me but “didn’t know why”. does any of this sound familiar? i also loved him. i was also young and he was my first everything.
leave. now. he absolutely violated you in so many ways, what he did is NOT normal and disgusting and rapey. it’s on par with revenge porn. do not trust this man and go your separate ways. you will love somebody else, trust me. somebody who values and respects and cares about you, whether you’re “””official””” or not.
He’s TRASH. Point blank PERIODT! The fact that his man walk up on you and harassed you. His friends have no respect for you and him. No where in this did you say your fiancé defended your honor after this. Know your worth… how you know he didn’t send them or upload them to the internet. Trust broken!
He knew you were out of his league and you are
He’s still being dishonest.
– Men don’t do those things.
– He absolutely does still have those videos.
– His violent behavior because he got caught is disturbing.
You need to leave him
First of all, he’s the kind of guy who’d record a girl without her knowledge and share it with his buddies. He sucks. Nothing that came later changes that. He’s still that guy, the only thing that changed is that you started to officially date.
Second, he hit a wall and broke a vase because he’s a gross emotional manipulator. Again, he sucks.
Do what you want with the information you have now, but if you stay with him, you’ll be with someone who sucks.
MEN don’t do these things, SEXUAL PREDATORS do these things. OP, he is NOT SAFE. You can’t trust this man, what he did is SA and it WILL worsen, and the vase smashing will escalate to direct violence.
So it’s okay to share videos of him having sex with girls as long as they aren’t dating? Without consent? And then get so mad that his actions were discovered that he punched a wall and broke a vase? Girl run wtf love is feeling safe, and everything he did created the exact opposite effect. There’s no turning back after non consensual sharing of nudes/videos and physical aggression. He exposed his lack of character, and you should want love from someone that’s not an aggressive creep
It’s not normal, he is trash. I would make an example out of him… sit down again to talk it through but have your phone secretly recording. Then share the recordings with the local police seeing as he enjoys sharing secret recordings