My boyfriend and I have been talking for 5 months and exclusive for two. (Not that long, I know.) but I really want this one to work out (I think he has very good qualities as a man better than anyone I’ve met before) but can’t help it is somewhat abusive or excessive. This is really an opinion post, so let it all out below lol. my bf is so against me hanging out with men especially people I’ve been met before him. I’ve stated that these people have never been weird or made any advancements toward me. If I see that it becomes too much I distance or separate myself from that person/situation. Should I break up with him over this?
41 comments
Yes it is abusive for him to dictate who you can or cannot be friends with and yes you should probably break up with him if you don’t want to be under that level of control.
You probably should tbh. It’s pretty early on in the relationship and he’s already controlling who you’re friends with? Nah, huge red flag and shows he’s incredibly insecure.
That’s just the beginning though. Imagine how he’ll get once he gets more comfortable with you.
I personally advise breaking up with him. If he’s asking this of you only 5 months in (and only exclusive for TWO), his jealousy and control issues will get even worse over time. This is just the beginning.
His trust issues are his responsibility to work through… not for you to tiptoe around. Unless you want to walk on eggshells around him forever, cut it off now while it’s still easy. The longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave.
It is both abusive and excessive, as you said. not healthy.
Stand your ground. If he can’t handle it, break up. Do you want to be with someone who has jealousy and control issues? I’ve been there and I hated myself more than the guy by the time that relationship was over. His jealousy killed my spirit and ruined my twenties and I hope he rots in hell! JK JK. But it was very uncool of him.
Alot of men believe that Men are only friends with women they find attractive, and believe that it’s just a matter of time before those men “shoot their shot”. Usually men who believe this, believe this because it has happened to them, or they have done it to others.
To be fair, props to the guy for saying it early so you can decide early what you want. Everyone saying “Doing this only 2 months in?” Would be saying the same thing if he waited 2 years or 20 years to say this. The time is irrelevant except at least you know where he stands before you are too far invested.
So now the choice is yours. Which do you value more?
Doesn’t “let” you have male friends? Doesn’t LET you???
Oh, girl … this relationship only a couple of months old and he’s already trying to control you. Either he trusts you or he doesn’t – and if he trusts you, your male friends shouldn’t be a concern. If he doesn’t trust you, then that’s his problem to solve. You don’t have to make your own life smaller to accommodate his desire to control you.
Yes. Why would you want to date someone who doesn’t trust you? He sounds controlling.
If you ask me, don’t wait to break up. Being jealous like that is not healthy. Also, you are a separate person, right? So you have to make your own decision of choosing friends. Be sure, you won’t be regret if you break up.
Babe, been there done that! At first I gave in, no male friends… and then no social media… no girl friends… no family.. etc. the list goes on. Please be very careful, no one can tell you who you can be friends with or not, never in my life will I go through that again. They start small and eventually they have full control over you. This might seem “extreme” but it’s the truth.
If he’s better than any men you’ve met before…bruh.
Yes. DTMFA
The only real limitations for most people are old Exs, previous sexual partners, and hanging out 1on1 depending on the situation.
Having said that, this is all your choice, not something your partner doesn’t let you do.
You’re getting a glimpse of His true self, next You cast wear that, or You can’t go there. Is that the type of life You want, being told what You can and cannot do?
It shouldn’t be about permission. That’s a red flag.
If you like your male friends and the relationship has always been platonic don’t let this annoying narrative of “guys are only friends with girls for one thing” rule your world. It’s annoying because it completely disregards the free will of the woman. It boils down to trust, and either he trusts you or he doesn’t (doesn’t matter if he doesn’t trust the guy because that circles back to the sexist “dudes only want one thing” argument. *And I could give a literal fuck that there are examples of it, there are examples of fucking everything if you look for it, it doesn’t make it right).*
At the end of the day you’re the one who needs to make this decision, either you stay with him knowing that you won’t be able to have male friends (thus cutting off those friendships) and it could end up being great. Or, you can break up with him and find someone who is confident enough to know that you can maintain friendships with the opposite sex without any sexual connotations. Regardless, I hope whatever you choose brings you the life you want 🙂
Just say this: “they were here before you and they’ll be here after you”
You should never let anyone control who you can and can’t be friends with, boyfriend or otherwise. It’s a deal breaker for sure.
If you ever find yourself saying “he has very good qualities but is abusive” again, take a good hard look at what you wrote. Abusive drowns out any possible good qualities a person can have.
There’s no word ‘let’ in a relationship. He can’t forbid you nor make you do anything. Don’t cut all your friends for a boyfriend of 2 months. If it doesn’t work out with him you’ll have no one.
>Should I break up with him over this?
Yes.
You’re only 2 months in & he’s already trying to control you. Drop his ass. You deserve a man that respects you.
Girl, you’re TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD, why is this man not *allowing* you to have friends just because they’re men? Is he your dad or something? Your boyfriend should NEVER have the power to take away your choices. Wake up and break up girlypop 😭🙏🏼
I had an ex who wouldn’t let me have any male friends, and it was miserable. It started off with him not wanting me to have guy friends, then I wasn’t allowed to go to bars without him because he was worried about other guys, and he even threw away a strapless shirt I liked because “I didn’t need that type of attention.” This controlling behavior will only get worse
Not having friends of the opposite gender is only controlling if it’s not a boundary you MUTUALLY agree is reasonable. Me and my partner wouldn’t hang out alone with people of the opposite sex, but it’s because we both had that same mindset before even meeting each other.
If you start your question with “my boyfriend won’t let me…” then yes, you should absolutely break up.
I don’t need nay more information than that.
My opinion on this is different from others, I don’t have male friends out of respect for my man, and he doesn’t have female friends out of respect for me. Quite frankly I don’t think there is such a thing as platonic friends of the opposite sex in heterosexual relationships. If you gave any of those dudes the opportunity to sleep with you they 100% would, and I don’t see that as respectful to a monogamous relationship. Even if YOU wouldn’t want to, why entertain it? That’s not an actual friend.
I’m only speaking from experience, and it may be different from you, but I’ve never had a man give me any type of attention unless they wanted something from me. They’re playing the long game. At the end of the day, I feel like most people agree that it’s disrespectful to talk about problems in your relationship with someone of the opposite sex in a heterosexual relationship, so how is that an actual friendship? If you have to censor yourself with friends then what’s the point?
Again, unpopular opinion, but this is all from my pov
If you ever need permission to have friends no matter the sex. Yous in an abusive relationship.
There’s no such thing as male friends to a female. Their all just dudes waiting to smash.
My boyfriend and i had a conversation about being friends with the opposite sex in our talking stage, and we both came to the agreement that we wouldn’t be comfortable for either of us hanging out with people of the opposite sex alone. Yes we know people of the opposite sex and are ‘acquaintances’ you could say, but we have boundaries. Doesn’t matter if he knew those people before me, if you decide to be in a committed relationship it comes with some boundaries and everyone’s are different. I value our relationship more than any male friendship I ever had so with that being said I’m okay with not hanging out with these people. Family friends/ cousins are an exception to our rule because they’re family.
How many male friends did your grandma have? Mine had zero. When my mom was married she didn’t have any either. I don’t hang out with other women when I’m in a relationship. I’m currently married, me nor my spouse have friends of the opposite sex, that we hangout with without each other. It isn’t weird to me but maybe I’ve lived differently. I think the way he’s saying no you can’t is odd. But I would think it comes as a choice someone makes in a relationship, not a forced issue. So while he is being controlling, the idea of what he wants isnt, to me. But to demand you to do anything is wrong.
If he doesn’t like it, and you do, you should break up. He can not like it, and leave. This is a unpopular opinion probably. Good luck.
When I got together with my current fiance I was super straight forward: I don’t have great or sustained relationships with most of my exes but *this one in particular* I consider a best friend. She’s married and has a kid and lives in another state and she’s non-negotiable.
Just be transparent about it. I can see if you’re in a long term relationship not having a lot of friends (mostly women I’m friends with are couples *we* are friends with.) I just don’t have a lot on common with single men or women, so I don’t have any real reason to have a bunch of single friends, regardless of gender.
But yeah OP is two months into a relationship in her twenties that’s…not my situation. Your bf is being toxic, this is insecurity and shouldn’t be entertained.
OP,
a few others have responses that are similar to what I’m about to say. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him ASKING (emphasis on asking) you not to have one on one time with these guys. It may simply be one of his boundaries that he has, especially if he’s taking this relationship as serious as you are. Now this doesn’t mean you have to brutally cut these people out of your life, but you can create some distance and become less available to hang with them under certain circumstances. Your side is valid too, and do believe you would take space or distance from these guys if they acted strange. They shouldn’t be too torn up about it either to be honest. If he respects your boundaries and treats you PROPERLY and this is one of the few things if not the only thing he’s asking for I don’t think this is a breakup-able offense. Regardless it is your decision to make, just up to you to weigh the pros and cons.
**Now if he starts tacking stuff on like one user mentioned, like no social media or stuff like that I’d suggest to end that too
Yes
If you’re cool with him being with other women without you around (parties, movies, trips, etc…) then I don’t see a problem.
Ummm did I really just fucking read this right. “He has very good qualities as a man but can’t help if he’s abusive”. Lolol are you fucking kidding me??? Let me help you, what do you think your best friend/sister should do if that’s how they described their bf to you? Fuck me you know why men get away with acting that way, because they find someone that’ll put up with their bullshit and abuse.
What you stated, I have created an analogy for you, you tell me what the person should do: “That steak really is the most delicious steak I have ever seen or smelled even with the maggots and flies all over it” Then you’re asking us, “hmm should I eat it?”
Fuck no. Run. Ruuuunnnnn. Get out while it’s still early. Jesus what’s with you all and your self esteem where you all think this is remotely fucking acceptable. You’re a grown woman, don’t let anyone tell you who you can or can’t be friends with. WTF. Do you really not comprehend how controlling this is? And it’s only been 5 months. What’s he going to ask you at the one year mark..”hey why do you have to be so close to your brother, he also has a penis so you can’t be close to him any more”. For fucks sake is love really worth this. First off dump him, second go to therapy to learn to love yourself more so you can recognize on your own how this type of control and manipulation is toxic and as you so eloquently stated.. ABUSIVE.
You you mind if he had female friends?
Idk what I do as a male is right or not, but this is my guide.
First, if the “friend” is a secret or mislead about it, I’m out.
Second, If I feel uncomfortable about an individual. Then we have a conversation. If we can’t agree, I’m out. If we agree, but it’s not followed thru with, I’m out. To make clear, I’m not telling her what to do. At the same time, I should feel comfortable. Also, if she actually cares about me, my feelings should be taken into reasonable consideration. The same goes the other way as well. I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable either.
I think of it more of a case by case basis.
Has he made this a boundary? If he’s willing to break up with you over you having male friends, then I would say good riddance. This jealousy or whatever kind of insecurity is the bane of healthy relationships.
I have a lot of male friends that I known them from years. I care about my friends and nothing else has ever happen between us, but I don’t hangout alone with them while in a relationship. If I hangout without my boyfriends it’s when I’m in a group even a small group is more respectful I think. And I also love introducing them to my boyfriend and don’t mind if they become close friends and even hangout without me. So, it makes sense why he would feel uncomfortable but don’t make it hard for him, just say you will include him and let him and your friends get to know each other and be friends!
My opinion on this is different from others, I wouldn’t have male friends out of respect for my man, and he wouldn’t have female friends out of respect for me. Quite frankly I don’t think there is such a thing as platonic friends of the opposite sex in heterosexual relationships. and I don’t see that as respectful to a monogamous relationship. Even if YOU wouldn’t want to, why entertain it? That’s not an actual friend.
Modern women will keep you single. If you ever want to get married, rid of the idea that you can keep male friends. No man is truly okay with other men, because they know how other men think. If a man is friends with you it’s because he wants to sleep with you. Sorry not sorry, awaiting the downvotes but doesnt make it not the truth.
Take it as advice from a man, guys will ONLY be friends with you wait for you to break up and swoop in. Guys and girls are never just friends, ones always waiting for the opportunity to fuck the other.