So my bf and I started dating 4 months ago and a couple weeks ago we told each other a bit about our closest friends so we’re filled in before eventually maybe meeting some of them.
Two of his friends were former fwb and while that made me feel a bit insecure for a couple days, my bf was very understanding, comforting and assured me that he has no feelings for either of them anymore and that they are just friends to him now.
I calmed down, but even weeks after, one comment about one of them he made stuck with me and I still think about it.
I shouldn’t even worry about her since she’s in a relationship too now and they were only really close because she was his only friend while he workes abroad during the pandemic, so they’re not even in the same country.
He said thinks he likes about all his friends, but with her it made me uncomfortable when he said it was such a contrast how much of a “boss b**ch” she is (she is a police officer) despite how “small and cute” she is.
In my native tongue, it is a slightly more friendly/innocent translation of “cute”, but he does call me that word too sometimes. And I guess the small part is more irrational since I used to struggle with an eating disorder, so my mine immediately goes to whether I might be bigger than her.
It doesn’t help that from looking at her picture, he kinda has a type. Like she looks a little like me (tbh what’s soothing my insecurity is that, while she’s by no means unattractive, she’s definitely not prettier than me), so it’s even more difficult not to compare myself.
I know I shouldn’t be so insecure about his friend, who isn’t even in touch with him much these days, but I find myself overthinking and maybe if I could ask him about what he meant with that comment and if he explained it to me it would not be nearly as bad as my insecure interpretatiom and that could give me peace of mind.
Would it be weird to bring it up? And how do I even bring it up?
Tldr: My bf described a former fwb/now friend as “small and cute” and I still think about it. Do I bring it up so he can explain what he meant? And if so, how?
4 comments
Just ask what he means by small and cute, ask straight up if he means anything by it, if you are feeling insecure he should have no issues reassuring you, I never had fwb but I always reassure my gf about my exes, and just generally whenever she needs it, I love her to death so to put a smile on her face and put her at ease is my upmost priority, she’s actually asleep in a call with my right now and she just sounds so cute to me, her voice gets like super soft and light and her accent gets super heavy and I love it so much, eithout going on a tangent about how great she is, if you got yourself a good boyfriend he would do anything to put a smile on your face
I would strongly suggest you manage this shit yourself, and stop comparing yourself to other women.
There is nothing he says to explain this that isn’t going to further trigger you, because you’re not having a rational response to his words to begin with. His words aren’t the core problem here. You were gonna find something to put these anxieties on sooner or later, and you’ll do it again if you don’t stop yourself.
This overthinking is a personal issue you need to manage. This woman is not any sort of threat to you. She’s barely present in his life right now. If you try to make it your BFs job to manage these feelings for you, you’ll probably just end up feeding the beast.
It doesn’t mean you cannot share with him what you’re going through, but it’s not his job to fix. This one is on you.
Honestly this seems like a non-issue that I would not bring up if I were in your situation, *except* for the part where it’s setting off your disordered thinking about your body, in a way that he really couldn’t have anticipated but would presumably try to be sensitive about in the future if he knew. So that might be worth talking about – “hey, this thing you said is still on my mind because it pinged this series of old bad patterns in my brain about my body compared to other women’s bodies, I know you didn’t intend that but it would really help me stay stable and healthy if you would try not to make comments about people’s bodies around me.”
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