I’m M/32 who’s been dating F/23 for 6 months. I’m financially secure in my career, have my adult life together, and have a decent amount of life experience under my belt (was married & divorced, traveled around the world, etc.). She’s just starting out at her first job since college, doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience, and is still figuring out who she is, as are most people her age. She’s truly an incredible person. We’re just at very different places in our lives.

We’ve spent nearly every weekend together for the last 6 months. It’s been a blast. We get along great, treat each other well and everything flows effortlessly. That said, here are my concerns about making it official:

-Given where each of us is at in life, would her being in a relationship with me stunt her personal growth? I was in a relationship all throughout my 20’s, and it limited me and my partner’s ability to work on ourselves as individuals. Your 20’s is a transformative time in your life that’s best spent focusing on yourself, not a longterm partner IMO. To be fair, she’s highly intelligent, ambitious and self aware. Still, I can’t help but feel that I may be robbing her of the chance to experience her 20’s freely – An opportunity my ex and I never had.

-Conversely, am I robbing myself of the chance to date more people and potentially find someone more suited for me? This is the first girl I’ve dated (besides my ex) in over 10 years. While she’s amazing on so many levels, the thought of finding someone closer to my age who I have a stronger connection with has crossed my mind. Am I being picky? Greedy? Ungrateful for what’s in front of me? Are these doubts a valid sign telling me not to settle, or is there an issue with my mindset of always wanting more?

Would love to hear your thoughts. Questions welcome.

TLDR: I’m dating a girl 9 years younger. I’m worried that I’ll stunt her personal growth during a transformative time in her life. I’m also unsure whether I’m committing to a relationship too soon before having dated anyone else in over 10 years.

7 comments

  1. > would her being in a relationship with me stunt her personal growth?

    I wouldn’t necessarily call it “stunting”, but you having got so much more experience will definitely have an impact on her. Unfortunately, too often young, inexperienced people try to mold themselves into what they think their partner wants, without actually exploring what they want and need.

    > . Your 20’s is a transformative time in your life that’s best spent focusing on yourself, not a longterm partner IMO.

    Then why are you dating someone her age? As you said, you are in different life stages….why not date someone closer to your age with similar life experience?

    > Am I being picky? Greedy? Ungrateful for what’s in front of me? Are these doubts a valid sign telling me not to settle, or is there an issue with my mindset of always wanting more?

    Not sure you’re any of it…. what do you actually want out of this relationship? Is it more something casual, or are you looking for something more serious? What about your “gf”?

  2. This should definitely end, it’s always dangerous dating someone in a different life arena, and usually for the younger one in the relationship. You don’t want her to look back and feel taken advantage of because of the huge age difference. Hindsight is always 2020. 23 is really young and no matter how intelligent and self aware she is, it can never make up for life experience. It’s ok to date youger but 26 is really the youngest I would suggest for your current age.

    Edit: if you’re 32 dating a 23 yr old, you’re likely the one with stunted growth. I don’t want to sound rude or condescending but you guys can’t have much in common unless, your development has been somewhat arrested in your early twenties because a 23yr old is only as mature as someone who is her age can be.

  4. Idk why the comments so negative here, how about some encouraging advice too? If you both actually want to stay together, bring this up, make it clear to her how important it is that she grows for herself and always remind her that you want her to do things that SHE wants to do not because she’s doing it to fit into your experienced life. From what you said, she seems very smart and you guys seem happy together. Godspeed friend, everything can be solved ^.^

  5. Bro I’m the same age as that girl … I would definitely feel dependant on a a women I’m dating that’s ur age . Anyways this is so weird cause we all 23 years olds act like teenagers . And I have seen women my age ending up in toxic relationship with older guys like u … So maybe find someone that’s around ur agree like 27+ …. Cause u’re really old for dating a 23 years old homie .. as we are just trying to figure out life out

  6. This is hard to judge from your point of view, you hold seeminlgy all the cards. Feelings at the moment might be absolutely legit from both sides, but I’d question the longevity of such relationship.

  7. Hi!!
    I am 23, my SO is 30. At first, we had to ask ourselves that question- “What adversity would our age gap bring?”
    Yet, despite my age, I’ve been in the workforce full time while also being a student full time since 18. I’ve been living on my own for a while, and I had already bought myself a good car, established a good savings, etc.
    so, my SO and I weren’t too far off in terms of financial standings.
    In terms of our life goals, we both knew we wanted domestic lifestyles, while also enjoying what the world had to offer
    Age isn’t everything- your goals/maturity/lifestyle needs to align.
    Take a step back and see if those are in tune with your own.
    Do you want kids soon? Does she want kids 10 years a from now? Could you see yourself a homeowner- or is she still figuring out rent. Do her parents pay for her lifestyle still while you’re financially independent?
    Good luck 💕

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