I have 2 daughters; we’ll call them Shelby and Ariel. Here lately, I’ve noticed my husband doing things or allowing things that only favor Ariel. For example, he’ll let Ariel get a snack out of the pantry but tell Shelby no and say something like “it’s too close to dinner time”. Or, he’ll let Ariel snuggle and tell Shelby “there’s not enough room for you to snuggle too”. He’ll do activities like two player video games with Shelby but that leaves Ariel out because… well, it’s only 2 player. I confronted him about it because I was getting visibly angry seeing Shelby crying and upset and saying “why is daddy being so mean” but he said “I never did that!!” And denied the whole thing. Of course, this made Shelby cry even harder (she’s only 4.5). Luckily, I had a family member over visiting that witnessed it as well and they interjected and backed us up. After that, he blamed it on his ADD and said that if he’s doing things like that, he doesn’t realize it at all and that he didn’t mean to. The only even slightly logical reasoning I can see is that I nearly died in child birth with Ariel. I had a significant and horrible recovery where he was basically having to take complete care of her and me both, so her and I didn’t get that golden hour or bonding time, etc but he did. She even says she loves daddy more and is just a complete daddy’s girl and I always attribute it to not getting that bonding time. I’ll go to my grave with the regret of how that birth went. Is this something I just need to just chalk up to “it is what it is” and we just have to deal with it?
34 comments
Talk to him
Nip this in the bud immediately.
He needs to get into counseling and perhaps you need couples counseling. Selecting a “golden child” to love more will have long-lasting and devastating consequences for both of your daughters. The elder could become entitled and the younger quite angry. Blaming his ADHD is a joke. He’s just uses excuses and not being a good dad.
I truly dislike labels since they can be used as escape goats. It’s like I don’t want to change because I have this problem. It really sucks because then you’re placing this shame on this community of individuals with this supposed problem. I’m not really sure of what to say but to better adequately distribute bonding time within the family. Just like spend x amount of time with Ariel then spend that same amount of time with Shelby. Plan activities. And I mean to do this one on one, parent to child. Of course, as well do family bonding activities.
This is the kind of thing that can scar Shelby for years and change the trajectory of her life. You really need to get real with him about that, no more denial or blaming it on ADD. This is not okay. And he needs to set them down individually and explain that he messed up, own it, and do better. If he did that, I think that’s what your kids would remember.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation though because I can’t imagine how much this sucks.
Nope don’t take it, and make him spend time with Shelby. HE is a grown adult man, and ADD is a ridiculous excuse for being rude to his daughter…You need to change daugthers for a while. By that I mean spend time with the one most uncomfortable with. It needs to be broken or I predict there will problems in your marriage….stop accepting ADD as an excuse for bad behavior. He can learn behavior modification. You are a family and all children matter…You have basically given up fixing your family. This marriage will not far behind him.
He needs therapy. You both do. And not because “his ADD made him do it”, because…that’s not how that works.
If you don’t address this, it will really harm both your children. The families with dynamics like this end up doing that. It will harm the relationship between your children. Ariel will possibly grow up spoiled or entitled from the treatment. Shelby will feel neglected.
It also sounds like you’re blaming yourself for…nearly dying?! I’m sure he did have to take care of a lot after that, that’s how that works!
Do not leave it as ‘it is what it is’ how dare you do
That to your child.
Get it sorted immediately.
Call him out every single time he does it. My now ex does this too with our youngest, his favorite. When he does we all tell him he’s doing it. It’s harder to deny when three other people are saying it at the same time.
“It is what it is”? A child being excluded and mistreated by her father while she watches him treat her sister like a princess is what it is? Are you fucking kidding me?
If that’s your attitude, then Shelby has not one, but two shitty parents.
There is nothing okay about this. You need to put a stop to it now and work on correcting the damage already caused.
I hate to say but my mind immediately went to abuse reading this. Are there many more concerning behaviours? While the exclusion is unforgivable, the favouritism could be a sign of more. I hope you get a handle on the situation soon.
Are they both of the kids his?
First off, don’t confront him about this *in front of Shelby” anymore. She will pick up on the fact that you’re fighting because of her, which is not fair to her.
That aside, I do believe this is a hill to die on. What he’s doing is not okay. It doesn’t matter *why* he’s doing it, determining a reason does not excuse his behavior. He needs to stop.
Please don’t blame yourself though. You did nothing wrong, you had no control over how Ariel’s birth went. You’re doing a great job standing up for your daughter.
Couples counseling *yesterday*. This cannot go on. Shelby is already being psychologically damaged and developing bad habits and coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of being rejected by her father. She’s just a little girl. She can’t stand up for herself, please stand up for her.
this has nothing to do with add. its slimy that he suggested it – and makes me skeptical that there is a good outcome on the horizon that he uses such a shifty excuse.
it’s him being a terrible parent – verging on lowkey an abusive one to both his daughters.
nb: this isnt good for ariel either – being the golden child comes with all its own requirements, expectations and pressure. but poor shelby is in her formative years when she is putting together her sens of self and self worth – and finding one of the two adults she loves most doesn’t actually love her for zero reason. that is devastating and attrocious parenting. its gang up bullying of a 4 year old. n
but the gaslighting “ii didn’t even do it” to both you and shelby, as a pattern you have noticed over time and even strangers are picking up on – makes this all feel so much more :/ .
if he is not putting himself into therapy asap to work out how he can stop damaging both his daughters, and apologising to *both* of them, in child friendly ways. (ariel also needs to see this ostracisation of her sister is wrong and dad’s wrongdoing alone) then you kinda would be protecting your kids by keeping him away
Tell him ADD is not an excuse to play favorites with his kids and that he needs to do better. He needs to start taking turns with the games and the snuggling.
This is an abusive dynamic, and it needs to be stooped. You absolutely need to put your foot down before irreparable damage happens to the relationship between your two children and between your children and your husband.
Look, I have a favourite child. We all have a favourite child. This doesn’t mean you get to neglect or ignore your other children. You still got to try your best. I most certainly prefer my daughter, she may look a lot more like her mother but her personality and interests are much more like mine, and she’s a total daddy’s girl.
My son can be a handful sometimes. He gets a bit wild man at times and I’ve had to learn to handle that but we still sit and play Minecraft like once a week for hours. We still go out and play and do things just the 2 of us and he’s old enough now that I can start to bring him on my business trips.
You really got to be real with your husband and tough with him because he’s really hurting your other child.
Emotionally abusive and manipulative, I can’t tell you the lifelong damage this will cause to her psyche.
Just food for thought; the golden child and scapegoat dynamic is a tactic that’s often used by narcissistic parents. I’d personally want to consider my husbands behaviour as a whole (as well as handling this specific issue) because this could be a symptom of a larger problem
I would tell him, whatever excuse he is coming up with. With it is not acceptable.
That he is harming his child and that will forever haunting for the rest of his days. That when the children get older he will have to listen to them and he will have to defend himself against another adult whom he has harmed. She’s only 4.5 now, but she will grow up into an adult and she will remember.
I grew up in a situation where both my parents favored my older brother. It gave me a great deal of anxiety and shame. It was very difficult to navigate life without having anyone to turn to for advice. Because my parents always bailed my brother out of whatever problem he had, he is now an irresponsible, unemployed, 53 year old felon
The ADD made me do it is fucking ridiculous. You don’t tell one kid no over and over because of an executive function disorder. Gtfo with that bullshit hubs. This is a bill to die on.
This is where a good parent creates boundaries and demands tangible results from the other parent, with extreme consequences. Because the consequences on Shelby will most definitely be extreme if this stays “what it is”.
I’m my dad’s favorite and it’s horrible. He has insanely high expectations of me and whenever i make a mistake, he gets disproportionately angry. Any time the perfect image he has of me gets spoiled by my ACTUAL personality, he acts like I’ve killed his child.
I’m moving out soon so i can finally breathe and be myself.
Please please talk to him and tell him his behavior is unacceptable and while he can’t change his feelings about his daughter, he can absolutely control his behavior because he is a grown ass man.
Lol. I have ADD and I treat my nephews (whom I’ve been a 3rd parent to all their lives) the same. It has nothing to do with ADD. Also, if a child feels left out, ignored or not treated the same, you need to listen to them. Saying “I don’t do that” is just ignoring their feelings again. The right reaction is to get upset and ask what it is that you do wrong that is making the child feel unwanted.
Any time he starts to spoil Ariel more, keep her away from him. They’re snuggling? Oops, Ariel needs to come and help Mom make dinner. He gave Ariel a special snack? Great. Now Shelby gets one too and both girls are going shopping with Mom, or to the library, so Daddy can have some alone time.
To be frank, that sort of favoritism can also be a precursor to more sinister behaviors… Keep an eye on your husband and keep your girls close.
It sounds like he “excludes” each girl some of the time… I don’t think it is great that this hurts the girls’ feelings, but it seems like he wants to build a one-on-one relationship with each girl (cuddling with Ariel, playing video games with Shelby).
I don’t know what to say about the snack, unless Shelby had something to eat after school and Ariel didn’t, making it reasonable for Ariel to have a snack to hold her over until dinner, while Shelby should not need one, or if Shelby less likely to finish her dinner if she has one.
Therapy is a must for your daughter, if you won’t leave your husband, he needs more therapy than your daughter.
> he said “I never did that!!” And denied the whole thing. Of course, this made Shelby cry even harder (she’s only 4.5)
She has already internalized her father’s disassociation.
> After that, he blamed it on his ADD
People on the spectrum don’t use the spectrum as an excuse. We understand that we need a mask, and at 44 id expect he knows how to wear a social mask or emotional regulate healthily, not neglecting his baby girl.
My question would be if he can treat his daughters so differently, Is “his add” affecting your relationship with him.
Lol wtf. This is a man in his 40s. Time to grow up and stop using excuses such as “I didn’t mean to!”. It doesn’t matter your intentions, or actions, what matters is how you make someone feel.
He’s not making your daughter feel good.
It is what it is??? Fuck off I can’t believe you ! You are just as bad as your husband with that mindset. Fuck both of you. Shelby deserves parents who actually give a fuck about her.
Edit: this shit is fake. OP are you 40 or 33?
If he’s capable of treating one child well, he’s capable of treating both children well. End of.
Parents pick favorites, probably best if you just balance it out 🙂
Okay your post confused me so i need to ask some clarifying questions.
How old is Ariel? What does her being a daddys girl and you not liking that have to do with the whole situation? Does he cuddle with shelby too, just not both at the same time? Does Shelby have trouble with eating her whole meal? Do they try to sneak stuff from the pantry around the same time or does ariel do it earlier in the day? Is your husband getting treated for ADD? Has he tried making an effort since? If he plays two player games with Shelby why is that a problem?
The comments all jumped on abuse ect, and that is certainly a huge possibility, but depending on the answers to my questions, the whole picture may shift and change it from abuse to reasonable
No absolute it is not “what it is” WTF? You want your 4.5 year old daughter to just accept that her dad is an asshole to her? You husband is emotionally abusing your daughter OPEN YOUR EYES! My oldest is the ultimate daddy’s girl, she doesn’t have to tell me (but she does) because it’s blatantly obvious to everyone with eyes/ears that she prefers her dad. Her dad would NEVER blatantly favour her over our other daughter though because he’s not an asshole. He needs to get his shit together ADD is such a pathetic excuse for treating your daughter like trash.