I was snooping and found a text that my fiancé was no longer attracted to me. He shared he loved me so much but our sex life is dead and he doesn’t think it’s coming back. (Note: He is also on some medication that completely destroys his libido and testosterone levels.) Our sex life is non-existent. I will admit I have gained weight, and I don’t wear makeup or dress nicely at home. We have been together for 3 years.
I am devastated. What do I do? Should I break up with him? I love him so much.
TLDR: my fiancé isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore.
31 comments
>He is also on some medication that completely destroys his libido and testosterone levels.
And knowing this, you’re still trying to make it be YOUR fault. Why?
I know peoples easy choice is to dump him, but I do believe some work can happen to try and restore it. I def fell out of love with my ex, but when I think about it what I remember is that if there was an effort for intimacy on BOTH ends, I think it could’ve maybe worked out. On the other side I knew there was no chance cause he was severely depressed and I already made my dues. But at least what I’ve learned from my new relationship is intimacy isn’t only in the bed. The effort to make each other feel loved daily is so important and does help with a better sex life. Sure you can dress up nice for on dates, but don’t forget that maybe he should try doing things you like too. Revisit new topics you wanna explore, make life exciting for the both of you. I feel like you’ll definitely find hopefully a new spark or a new calling. Just never blame it on yourself please, the lack is always on both ends. I hope you can figure something out and try it out! But if you need and you feel called to don’t be afraid to move on.
1- I’d say talk to him about what you’re feeling but always word it like “I am feeling this way because…” do NOT use blaming language like “You did this and this!” Or something.
Communication is always key and if you’re going to get married you better start communicating more. Make sure to talk to him in a private setting but don’t corner him either and perhaps talk about a compromise on how to get both your needs fulfilled.
If that isn’t working maybe consider calling off the engagement because a healthy sex life is important in an adult relationship i’d say.
2- Stop snooping. Even if he’s your husband or whatever, it’s an invasion of privacy to snoop so don’t do that. Have respect and trust him enough not to snoop. Have more confidence in your relationship and in yourself.
He needs to talk to his doctor about these side effects. There could be a solution here
>I am devastated. What do I do? Should I break up with him?
Is it important to you to be in a relationship that has sex and attraction in it? Because it sounds to me like it is, and in that case, the answer to this question is “yes.” If you can live without that aspect, then no, not necessarily.
>Our sex life is non-existent. I will admit I have gained weight, and I don’t wear makeup or dress nicely at home.
And…? You seem to be under the impression that it’s impossible for someone to be attracted to a fat person wearing pajamas and no makeup. I assure you, as a fat person who spends most of my home-time in pajamas and almost never wears makeup, that your impression is incorrect. There are absolutely people who will love you as you are.
I can’t imagine ever feeling like this and not talking to my woman about it. That in itself is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Who was this text sent to?
As someone who is on medications that affect libido I can tell you that you’re going too fast, he may have said that and probably felt that way but you should consider communicating about it. Suggest that he talks to his doctor about it and maybe considering switching meds or adding a something that may counter the lower libido.
I also would say that lower libido doesn’t necessary mean being incapable of having sex but making the “initial” part more difficult and close to zero desire to initiate things.
If you care about this relation try putting an effort on being the one to initiate and also finding creative way to “get in the mood” with your fiancé, always remember that most likely you have no fault in this and it’s just a side effect of his meds
I think you should decide what to do. But I very much empathize. I was with a man for 12 years. He lost weight and I gained it. By the end, we were never having sex and I was feeling uglier and worse by the day. When we broke up, my self esteem was at an all time low. I felt unlovable and ugly.
I’m sorry that you had to read how he felt. I accused my ex of not being attracted to me and he denied it but I couldn’t shake that was how he felt.
This may sound bad but hear me out: one of the best things I did for my relationship was kinda up my hair and make up or skin care workout and outfit game. You don’t need to dress and do it to the 9’s, but finding a few basics that really make you pop.
You two either work through it or break up and if you break up you’ll probably be gyming, dressing up, make up, etc. we all do it after a break up. So May as well bring SOME of that to your relationship table.
It doesn’t mean you need to always be dolled up. But finding a few basics that really make your natural beauty stand out may be a great first step.
I’m sincerely sorry you and your partner are going through this. My prayers with you that it passes and you move on feeling joyous and secure and sexy all around.
My concern is who is he back stabbing you with by telling them your business. Who is the person he told this too ? I would dump him because he is a coward and they are the worst kind to be around. If he’s not willing to look you in the face and tell you his truth he’s not worth it in my opinion. Im sure he is lacking in many departments and you didn’t find it in yourself to betray him with words so why allow him to do it to you ? A relationship is not about looking sexy everyday it’s about nourishing a bond , and building more love and adventures in life together. If he only signed up for a hot chick than he’s not deserving of you. Don’t waste anymore of your years with him . You didn’t clarify if you have children with him or not but if you don’t have kids and want some than run away from him he will only get worst. Intimacy is a team effort , and it seems he’s not trying. There are many possibilities and none of them end well for you. Break it off and work on yourself. Do not beat yourself up over this debacle at least he showed his true colors before you married him. Your worth so much more.
1) How much weight did you gain?
2) Will he be on that medication forever? Is it temporary?
3) Talk to him. It’ll be better to find this out before the wedding
My suggestion is to have your fiance talk with his doctor about his medication. If there is a different brand or prescription he can take, and how the current medicine is effecting him. Don’t let the matter of your appearance weigh you down. Personally I don’t get dressed up every day when I stay home. I think talking to your fiance about how you feel, and ask where he sees the relationship going. Being in a relationship with no attraction to each other will hurt you both in the long run. A relationship should take two people working together fixing the problem, and not one person doing it all to keep the peace.
Okay here’s my advice go to therapy for a month or two see how it goes and if still nothing changes and all options exhausted sperate it’s not your fault and I know it’s hard for you to rhink other wise but thata beavuse your unhappy with how you look not anybody else
So do something about that work on yourself and most importantly
DO NOT GET MARRIED
Put that on pause
And really consider if you can handle a relationship with no sexual activity
And really think about how worthless and ugly that’ll make you feel and weather hating yourself because your partner can’t give you what you need is worth feeling that way all the time for the rest of your life
Here’s what you do.
Tell him you saw the post, and talk to him, strangers aren’t going to be able to tell you what to do, communicate to your partner. If you don’t have communication your relationship is doomed to fail.
Oh my goodness! When I was on the Depo shot (birth control), I got all the bad symptoms of it. No sex drive being one of them! I thought I had fell out of love with my boyfriend and I hated even being touched by him. I finally switched when I realized what was going on and everything went back to normal. I think you should talk to your partner about the medication he is taking! It could save your relationship. (I understand my situation is a little different, but I hope it helps!) 🙏
Crazy idea… Talk to your partner about it. Find ways to spice things up a bit.
It’s been a mere 3 years and hes already not attracted to you? Don’t marry him this relationship is doomed.
I always struggle with posts like these. Maybe I take a bit too romantic of a view on the subject, but if you love the person you’re with then it really shouldn’t be hard to find them physically attractive.
Our bodies are not frozen in time from the day we meet someone until we die. We change, we get older, we gain weight, our hair loses colour, we go bald, we get bags under our eyes, we get wrinkles on our face.
And of course you don’t wear makeup or dress nicely at home. That would be a ridiculous thing to do on a daily basis. Home is a place of comfort and safety. We should all be able to wear our ugliest hoodie and a pair of comfortable pants, and still be able to look over at your partner dressed in exactly the same fashion and still find them just as attractive as you do on a date night at a fancy restaurant.
With these things in mind, I don’t think I’d throw in the towel just yet, but it’s certainly something you need to have a long hard talk about before you walk down the aisle. I would certainly want to know his reasoning behind his comments. It’s entirely possible they have absolutely nothing to do with you and absolutely everything to do with him. Perhaps he’s feeling hopeless because of the effect medication is having on his sex drive, and the medication is affecting what he perceives as his attraction to you.
I would be extremely cautious if he tries to lay any blame on you. Obviously you want to listen to his concerns and make him feel heard, but as common as sexual dysfunction is in men, it’s something that there’s still a lot of shame attached to, and a lot of men find it far easier to say “I can’t get it up because you’ve gained weight” than to admit that their bodies just aren’t working properly and that we have absolutely no control over it.
TL;DR confront your fiancé with the receipts and tell him how those comments make you feel. Be prepared though for a possible break up.
I had to do this with one of my exes years ago. In 2011, we had our own Reddit accounts and at that point we were only together for about 6 months. I recognized his username on a post asking everyone if they missed any of their exes. I found his reply on there and he had said he still missed a chick who he told me before constantly “friend zoned” him for a few years before we met and started dating. I don’t remember exactly what he had said but the gist was he still cared a lot about her and missed her a lot. I called him up and confronted him. I was pissed that he still had those feelings for someone who IMO didn’t give two shits about him and made it very clear he had to choose me or trying again to pursue her as a single dude. He had said something back about how he cared about me but a part of him would always have some feelings towards her even though by that time she was long gone with a boyfriend. By the end of that conversation he apologized and said something about still wanting to be with me and wasn’t gonna go after that other chick. We lasted another 3 years before he broke up with me by getting a new place behind my back and telling me he was moving out in a week, saying stuff about how we were too different, grew apart, etc. Definitely wasted 3 1/2 years.
Have him talk to the doctor. Crazy to think that this man will ignore your pleas. If my girl was literally telling me “I am begging for you to fuck me,” I would be figuring my shit out. Change medication and/or change things up at home
First postpone the wedding, you both need time to make up your relationship and see if it’s only the medication or something else before wasting money on a wedding and a divorce.
Did he say he wasn’t attracted to you? Or did he just say your sex life was dead and probably not coming back, but you assumed it must be your fault?
Nothing you said here sounds like he said anything about you. You could be the most universally sexy bombshell in the world, and it would not change anything about the side effects. You are putting the responsibility on yourself for a medical issue that is irrelevant to who his partner is.
The fact that you snooped at all tells me you’re insecure, and this just reiterates that.
You need to admit you snooped first of all and then knock that shit off. It isn’t endearing. It is a violation of privacy and a projection of your insecurity on your partner that is extremely unfair.
Once the two of you deal with the consequences of you admitting to snooping, you can sit down and begin talking about the rest of the issue. If his meds are making things this bad, you guys should be discussing going back to the doctor and looking for alternatives or things he can do to recover his libido.
You personally need to address your insecurities. Therapy, go to the doctor for anxiety/depression if that’s the root cause. It’s understandable for the libido issue to make you feel bad eventually, but the snooping was a red flag before that.
Do what you can to be healthy, explore ways that make you feel pretty and attractive to yourself, get moving, feed your body nutritious fuel (healthy food), etc. Put effort in when and where you can so it feels like you are dating him again. Tease him (in a good way), lure him in, and entice him without giving any pressure. If he has preferences about clothes or styles or hair, at least consider them. Go halfway to see if he leans toward you to chase you back.
At the same time, if you really feel his medicine is causing an issue, ask him to explore this with his doctor. We know many medicines increasing mood and stabilizing mental/emotional health also affect libido…. but there are also many other medicines which do this too. If your guy needs help, write out the concerns on a card so he can take it with him to his appointment. (And, if he is depressed or if his moods are greatly affected by the medicine, know that may be changing his overall.perceptions about everything and may have nothing or very little to do with what you are or are not doing.)
And lastly, at some point, tell him you saw the post and how sad it made you. Tell him you’re going “all in” and want him to do so too for a specific time period (3 months? 6 months?) in an attempt to rekindle things. Go on dates. Go on vacation. Try to buy a new outfit every so often for each other. Try new hobbies together. Spice things up. But, work on your emotional connection throughout. It is disconcerting that you’ve been together 3 years and he felt this desperately about things but didn’t tell you. Explore why he didn’t. Are you not trusting each other? Do you create a safe space for him to give feedback and share his feelings – and does he do the same for you? If so, are they equal, or is it mostly allowed for only one partner or focused on fulfilling needs for only one partner? Make sure both of you are able to handle feedback so that everyone can share their needs and wants and wishes. Try to find connection while also ensuring there is balance and safety for both people. Talk openly (without criticism… and with questions) about how to make these types of difficult conversations comfortable for both of you.
He is not attracted to sex rn with those meds.
I think that there’s several things here that need to be addressed I’m not sure why you were going through his phone. But what he said does need to be addressed if it hasn’t been already. Gaining weight can lessen somebody’s attraction for you but they’re also people who are into bigger individuals. And that’s not really something you say to somebody that you genuinely love or say behind their back. There needs to be some sort of discussion about this and no it’s not your fault. And for the sake of argument even if it were your fault in some way it still needs to be discussed and addressed
Sexual health is a part of overall health. Before you make any drastic decisions, I think you need to address his medication destroying his libido/testosterone with his doctor or whoever is prescribing it. If it’s severe enough that it’s about to end your relationship over this, it’s time to explore options. Ofc this will require discussing it with him directly and maybe pushing him to get it addressed.
What wouldn’t you talk with him before breaking up!? That’s definitely the first step.
That is unfortunate, my gf and I have been together for 8 years and we still have sex pretty often. I’d say it’s mostly his medication, get him to see a doctor to check his testosterone levels
Have you quit doing things that he likes? I am slightly growing tired of my girlfriend in the bedroom because we used to do stuff and now it’s so boring a cat to turn the lights off and that’s no fun. Don’t overthink it in a negative way. Try to figure it out like a puzzle. Think about the sex now and think about what you used to do that you quit doing you will find the answers. Being with somebody along time can cause boredom. Life animals that no longer have to hunt.
I’m exhausted by men putting every single their problems on women, especially those that they say they love. Your fiancé needs some therapy and you need to rethink about marrying this guy.