I (21f) have been dating my partner (22M) for just over a year. We don’t live together and both live with our parents bc we’re in school. I have a fairly high sex drive, like I want it just about every day. I am completely understanding of the fact that we cannot have sex everyday with our current living situation. I enjoy teasing him (sometimes enough to make him cum) and it’s easy enough to hide if someone enters the room we’re in. Occasionally we’ll get 15-20 minutes of alone time just before he has to leave and be able to have a quickie or give him a bj/hj. He almost never touches me sexually during this except maybe squeezing my boobs. I love having sex and getting fucked but it takes me a *while* to have an orgasm if I even have one at all while he there.
I am not sure how to make sure that my pleasure is a priority simply because we don’t have the time or space. I am unsure of what to do because being left unsatisfied has made me dread being teased or doing anything with him because it won’t amount to anything. I don’t want to get to a point where I resent sex with him. Is there a way to where we both get what we want or should I stop anything sexual with him completely?
Also yes we have talked about this at length and he says he feels super guilty about it but nothing has changed.
TL;DR: I feel like my sexual pleasure is not a priority to my boyfriend and it’s made me start to resent sexual activities with him. Is there a solution besides stopping all sexual activity with him.
37 comments
Break up with him. You have been dating a year.you stated your needs and it is not happening.
Why would you put up with this for so long? Selfish lovers don’t change. Leave him
You break up with him. You talked to him about this issue, any of the alone time you’ve had together could have been solely dedicated to your pleasure.
This should also be a great motivator for being financially independent after school, a place of your own to fuck freely.
By not fucking him. Break up and tell him why.
Here’s the thing, if you’ve openly expressed this need, and he’s given you understanding yet he’s shown no desire to make a change… how will change ever come about? The desire has to be there, it seems he’s just submitted to his “guilt” and has no interest in making a change.
You need to openly communicate and bring this up again, before it leads to resentment. It might be insecurity on his end, not knowing how to please you, which once again can be fixed through communication.
Oh, my god- that’s not gonna get any better with time. He’s not gonna wake up one day and just stop being a selfish sexual partner. How would I know that, you ask? BECAUSE I HAD ONE OF THOSE TOO! And we were in our 30s! I tried for 2 years until I just had to accept that he did not and would never care about my sexual experience with him, as long as he was happy with his sexual experience with me. You can’t fix that. Abandon ship! Don’t waste another minute having crappy sex. Life is entirely too short for that shit.
Maybe it’s him, but you say in a few ways that the issue is that you don’t have time or space. So nothing will change until you figure that out, right? Or you can suggest that are enjoyable for you in the 15-20 minutes you do have, and you each take turns.
I’m not sure what you’re asking him to do when you discuss the issue, or what he’s apologizing for. But if you have told him how to touch you in these small periods of time that you have, and he still won’t, then you should break up.
>I am not sure how to make sure that my pleasure is a priority simply because we don’t have the time or space.
You need to find a way to make time and space.
EDIT: Pretty much no one here read your post, I’m sorry about that.
Is the problem that you don’t have enough time together? If so, get a hotel. You don’t have to stay overnight if you want to keep it a secret from whoever you live with, you can just spend a few hours there and tell people you went on a date.
If the problem is that he doesn’t care about your pleasure then there is no solution except a new partner.
Why did half the comments come from people who didn’t read the post?
They either want to or don’t. Can’t force it. It’s like having to tell someone to eat you out or give you head. If their hearts not into it, it won’t be pleasurable for either person.
Back in my day we just went for a drive, if you’re living with your folks maybe save up for a beater car? Just don’t be reckless about it and end up on a list, but a blanket and some mindful restraint negates that *handily*.
Stop teasing him. Stop having quickies. Make finding time when both partners can get off a priority. Maybe that means getting a hotel room.
Let me summarize Reddit’s usual advise for ‘My partner won’t put the effort into satisfying me’:
If OP is (F) then: omg, dump his selfish ass. Find someone who will teat you like a Goddess. Break up with him. Red flag
If OP is (M) then: omg you selfish jerk. Her body, her choice. She owes you nothing you misogynist. All you men think about is sex, there’s way more to a relationship. She should dump your ass. Red flag
Idk this guy and he might just be selfish but just reading the short time frames you have makes me stressed as hell. Get a hotel room or some other place where you can actually have some alone time together without stress and try again, encourage him, guide his hands. He’s still young as heck and might just not have that kind of confidence. If any of that won’t help *then* you can still break up or whatever.
Time and space are an issue. It also may be worth looking up some YT videos on foreplay.
1. Get time and place
2. Give him ‘She comes first’ book
I mean I would just make it happen. You want him to eat you out? Sit on his face. Want him to finger you? Put his hand there. If his hand or tongue gets tired, present a toy of your choice. It’s doubtful he’d say no to any of that. It’s possible he isn’t very good and hasn’t yet found the joys of pleasing a woman. Yes you’ll be holding his hand for the first little bit but you’ll be doing the world a service. It’s sounds like you’re mostly in control of your sex life anyway. Just make it more about you. Just an idea. No clue if it would actually work but one can hope.
> it’s easy enough to hide if someone enters the room we’re in.
Why are people so free to enter the room you’re in.
And by “the room”, you mean your bedroom. How about lock a door?
Without your living situation changing, what actual steps do you want him to take? Literally what can he do? You yourself said you don’t know how to make your pleasure a priority logistically. So how can he?
You’re adults. Just have sex in a bedroom like adults. Do you think your parents don’t just assume you’re having sex somewhere? Are you nit allowed to sleep over at each others houses as 20/21 year olds?
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Get a small vibrator you can use during your quickies! Nothing wrong with incorporating a little assistance when you’re pressed for time but still want to leave satisfied.
Maybe he’s not comfortable having sex with a timeline, or knowing that he can’t take his time with you and he has to be quick. Not everyone is into sex where there’s a chance you might get caught. One thing that is needed, is a private place where the two of you can go to have sex privately where there’s no risk of being caught. He might feel more comfortable pleasuring you if there’s not a bunch of pressure added to it. If he can only have sex in more private spaces with an open timeline and you like being more adventurous in your endeavors, the two of you may not be compatible sexually. First off though, try being in a private and secure place first and see if the sex improves.
I dunno if it’s he’s fault here. If you can’t be together for more than 15-20 minutes and you can’t finish in that time frame, the guy has probably just given up trying after many futile attempts plus the constant stress of being caught since it’s heavily implied y’all are scared of that situation even though you’re grown ass adults.
Are both your sets of parents home constantly? This whole situation seems weird AF.
Make his cumming contingent on your orgasm. Get him revved up then tell him it’s his turn for him to rev you up.
But you’ll have to be very clear with instructing him how to pleasure you because clearly this guy has no idea and no practice in pleasuring women. Instructing him on how to touch you can be as sexy as teasing him was. Give him a minute by minute blow-by-blow, where, how, with what toy, how hard, soft, fast, slow. When he gets you to come then you switch back to him and give him a reward.
Soon he’ll know how to do it without so much hand holding. And you can direct in more broad strokes. But ease off slowly. And give him lots of feedback that his efforts are working so he doesn’t feel lost.
Obviously this isn’t going to work for a quickie, so make sure you have sufficient time when you aren’t going to walked in on.
> it takes me a while to have an orgasm
> Occasionally we’ll get 15-20 minutes of alone time just before he has to leave
It seems to me that *this* is the problem.
It’s one thing for him to “feel guilty” and another for him to do something about it. Sex takes two people to do, so it should be equally or similarly enjoyable by both people. It sounds like he acknowledges it is “feels bad,” which he genuinely could, but he doesn’t feel guilty or bad enough to do anything about it. He’s not trying harder, he’s not changing the way he f***s you. He’s simply saying he’s sorry and then continuing the same pattern.
Obviously, especially with how long it takes for you to cum it may not be a tit-for-tat thing every time you have sex (mutual orgasms) but you should at least be left satisfied and happy
My suggestion, would be stop the little things until you get to the point of basic satisfaction. With sex, there’s certain words/sounds of affirmation that are said, typically by the girl, that will boost a guy’s ego or make him think/know he’s doing xyz. Stop saying these things and making these noises. Don’t be dead in the bedroom, be natural, but don’t feed him things. If he asks about it, just say you don’t feel it’s gotten to a level yet and he’ll know when you’re satisfied. Or don’t let him have sex with you until he teases you enough with foreplay that makes you beg for it
Me and my gf sex life changed a lot after my younger brother and his daughter moved in. I am always thinking I am hearing them or they can hear us and really stifled what we do while they are home. So I think you should talk about it and plan a time when you all can make sure you’re alone and will be alone for a good time as he can still be fearful of your parents showing up unannounced
> Also yes we have talked about this at length
What actual solutions have been brainstormed during these talks?
What do you want to literally happen?
You know how you say you can get him off in just the 15-20 minutes? He can at least attempt something. Massage, cunnilingus, necking, something where he gets the pleasure of pleasing you.
And if he doesn’t catch on? There’s a conversation you’re not having with this post. If you don’t take your pleasure seriously, why would he?
One of the myriad exes had never had a vaginal orgasm. Or a full body orgasm. And she dealt with this by taking care of herself: after her boyfriend was done, he’d roll off, and she’d grab her magic bullet. Her 2-pump-chump bf at the time would sometimes watch, but never lifted a finger to help. He didn’t have to: her actions told him that his actions were fine. Acceptable.
Enter me. I’m not God’s gift to women. If I believed in God. *But I try*. I make the effort to notice when my partner is getting into that pre-orgasm state. I do what I can to get her into orgasm-hunting territory, but it takes a lot of different forms, but the most importantrule is to follow her lead. Your partner goes all quiet all of a sudden: follow her lead. If she’s motioning for no movement, take the hint and stop. You are in orgasm hunting territory, don’t mess up her angle.
Or I initiate foreplay. A massage turns into a sensual massage turns into an erotic massage … or she just wants to relax and fall asleep under your hands. Either way, be happy you have a woman who trusts you enough for either eventuality.
OP, Talk to your man. Have a conversation.
Get out of the house somehow. Car sex is cumbersome but can be fun. Or get a motel room. Go out on a hike and have fun outdoors.
My girlfriend has a rule. I don’t come before she does. Works pretty good I suppose.
Do you live in a city without cars or do you live in more rural areas with cars because there are options in either case…
(Happy to provide if responded to)
Otherwise I would recommend you get a remote toy and/or you start playing with yourself before you get to the point of playing with each other. That way you’ll be closer to cumming and therefore more likely to cum in your short encounters.
Have some encounters where you tell him what you want him to do and have the focus be on you. He might be inexperienced, nervous, or not think there’s enough time to make it worth your time.
If you only have limited time, you probably only have time for one of you to have a “turn”, so I think you need to ask for your turn. You can also try to expedite by using your hand on yourself or toys.
But really you guys need to find more places to do it
Do you have a car? Fuck around in there! And honestly, stay up late and fuck around. I know you are in your parents houses, but are you in the same room? You are well old enough to do these things. ALSO, I’m older than you, guys at that age…some, need to be coached. Tell him what you want. It’s all about compromise. Tell him you’ll suck his dick if he does something to you first. It will be a game and then become the norm.
What are you getting out of this relationship? You guys only get 10-15 of quality time together, even taking out the sex, do you guys ever even get to enjoy eachothers company?
I would be having a chat with your mum and dad. At 21 your an adult.
He should be able to stay over.
Your parents are not to come in your room when he is over.
Be respectfull and keep passion noises down.
Spend equal time at both houses.
Only partners who you have seen for more than 3 months can stay over.
Have a do not disturb sign on door when you do have someone over so parents or younger siblings know not to come in.
I’m in the UK, and as my children got older, these are the rules I put in place from 18 and I think they appreciated me addressing it and changing the rules as they got older.
I do not regret allowing them more freedoms and treating them like the young adult they are, it helped the grow as people.
My 10 cents worth.
If there are times that all that happens is he gets bjs and hjs there should be times where all that happens is you get ate out and he fingers you.
As others said if the issue is time and space then there’s nothing you can do about your boyfriend that can fix that. Maybe explain to your families that you guys want more space to be alone, if they start getting weird just say something like “There are private thoughts we would like to share just among ourselves and we think having the space to do that may strengthen our relationship.” And if they ask for details “we don’t want to discuss things like family, marriage, and children around everyone- I don’t necessarily think it would be fair to my boyfriend to subject him to these conversations with only my family involved because it may feel very one sided if we all chime in, and Vice versa.”
Physical intimacy must be reciprocated and needs must be communicated. Have you tried to say “I like it when you do X in bed?” Or “I would like to try X in bed?”. I know for many vagina having people orgasms cannot be achieved through penetration alone. I myself cannot orgasm without clitoris play/nipple play. It is what it is, I communicated it with my boyfriend, he is decent enough oblige, I orgasm within the first 5 minutes of sex every single time and typically multiple times. I wouldn’t know this about myself if I didn’t ask, I don’t think I was coming much before I finally started expressing what my needs are.
If you have expressed your needs and he’s outright confusing just slap a boundary on this “I will not have sex with you again if you do not do X” and if you like head say “I will not be giving you head again until you give me head. I will not give you a hand jog again until you finger me.” Be consistent, you deserve to orgasm, you’ve been putting in all this work for his sexual enjoyment it’s your turn.
Outright refusing to reciprocate pleasure would end a relationship for me. I have a low SSRI libido, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have pleasurable sex- it’s just like once a week and I’m satisfied with life. I’m not wasting that once a week on non-orgasm sex. Don’t waste your every day on it.