My boyfriend (30) and I (26) have been dating for 4 years, I love him to pieces except for one petty little thing. This little thing makes me crazy, now I don’t know – do I need to work on my issues or should I address it with him?
The issue is his never ending positivity in every situation. It’s generally a good thing, but it starts to get to me because I feel like it invalidates every uncomfortable situation I’m in.
I’m cold? – oh, come, it’s not too bad.
I’m hungry and want a snack before dinner? – just wait, dinner is ready in an hour.
The restaurant is not that good? – oh it’s okay, I like this and that about it.
The driver cut you off in traffic? – perhaps they are in a hurry.
In addition, he adds “tips”. E.g. I am annoyed because I have a great trouser in blue and would like the same in a different color – he cuts me off with smart tips like “well just buy it in a different color again” – oh really? No shit.
He usually notices that I am annoyed, and then I feel sorry and apologize to him, so it feels like I am constantly the bad guy. I think he just wants to help, how can I make it clear that the remarks are not helpful without hurting his feelings?
TLDR: Boyfriend is always positive about everything, never cold, hungry, angry, and thus doesn’t understand when I complain being any of those things.
23 comments
Cowgirl up, this is a non issue. Sorry to break it to you. Try to see the lighter side in all of it and you will click more with him. Now if you get pregnant, that becomes a different story. If your cold, put on a hoodie, hungry, don’t say anything, just get a snack. You will be fine. Best wishes
I’m sorry but this is hilarious to me, I can only imagine your facial expressions when he does it lol
>when I complain
1] You’re choosing to complain.
2] Work on yourself or find someone who complains like you do. š¤·š»āāļø
Life isnāt always positive and people who constantly push the narrative that it is get annoying. Yes, I know that there are people who have less than me but it shouldnāt invalidate your experience. Let him know that you appreciate his positivity, but the comments shouldnāt undermine your feelings. You need to communicate better and he needs to listen better.
Yeah, your boyfriend is literally me haha.
The only issue here is you lmao.
You sound insufferable to be around. he sounds like a delight.
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Hes the farthest thing from the issue here. the issue is you are a negative nancy.
How often are you complaining about stuff?
I remember reading about this being a common issue in m/f couples once, so I’ll say the solutions I remember reading.
1. Decide and communicate what you need. Maybe you do want advice sometimes, or you just want him to listen, or maybe you want a pat on the back. Tell him so that you both can keep it in mind and ask occasionally if he feels like you need a different kind of response. That would save you both alot of stress.
2. Think why you feel the need to complain depending on what happens. Maybe it’s a habit, maybe that particular thing ticks you off, or maybe you have to get it out of your system (in which case, having more ways to let out negativity would be helpful).
3. Tell him. Be careful with wording, because he’s probably just trying to be helpful.
I think maybe itās annoying bc it invalidates what you say. āItās coldā is a subjective statement. āItās not that badā overrides your right to make that subjective statement and basically tells you to deal with it. Itās as if he on everyoneās side but yours.
Perhaps this is how it needs to be communicated to him.
Comments here are wild with jumping to conclusions. You can not conclude from this how much or little OP complains.
It’s okay to voice a dislike of something and someone then interjecting how it’s actually alright without acknowledging your emotions can indeed be invalidating. Likewise, people’s reflex to give unsolicited advice is unhelpful. Excessive negativity which wears others out is a different story. You should absolutely have a conversation with him – express how you feel, ask how he feels.
Then don’t complain about little things that are easily solved…. Hungry? Eat. Cold? Get a sweater. Don’t like the color of a sweater? Get a new one. Cant be mad at him for your constant narration of minor gripes. Would you rather him just say “that sucks”
this is a pretty common problem in heterosexual relationships actually!! it just comes from a difference in mentalities, so in your mind:
complain -> [EMOTIONAL] support from him -> everyone feels better
vs in his mind:
complain -> [PRACTICAL] support from him -> everyone feels better
thereās a disconnect between you guys in the support that he is giving you. ultimately you both have the same goal in mind: to have everyone feel good at the end. i think you should navigate this issue with that in mind! what i would suggest is sitting down with him and having an honest talk about this, show him that you appreciate that heās trying to help but that it would make you feel more loved and understood if in those moments instead of giving you practical advice on what you are complaining about he just gave you the space and support to do so. i.e: āiām coldā instead of saying āoh itās not that badā he could say āoh no iām sorry youāre coldā and that would be it. just remember that the goal of a relationship is to always at least *try* to be in the same page!
Your situation sounds like me and my girlfriend. Shes negative about every little thing, sometimes I think she actively looks for negatives in situations that are otherwise fine. I find myself playing devils advocate a lot because I despise her negativity. Her attitude is a major stressor for me in our relationship and one of the things that makes me want to leave.
I feel you. Itās kind of similar with my bf, heās always super practical, not thinking about little annoying things and making everything out to be easy and no problem. I told him I wanted to work on running longer distances and actually getting faster and was looking up the best ways to train and schedules online. He told me to just run a little bit further every day.
I would communicate to him how you feel and tell him what you would wish he would tell you in that situation. Like do you just want some agreement? But also if your really complain about little things a lot maybe you should try to keep some of this to yourself. And in general I would agree that itās a pretty small thing and maybe you just have to accept him for who he is.
Itās a little different with stuff thatās bigger than the little things. Invalidating and not recognizing something could be a problem or at least troubling you in some way is definitely annoying.
Yikes you sound mean. Poor guy
Idk I think this can really be solved. I tell all my boyfriends the same thing and it tends to work well. When Iām complaining or venting about something I do not want solutions I want comfort. If I need your help I would undoubtedly come to you for a solution and tips. When Iām venting I want a hug, encouragement or reassurance thatās all. I know my current boyfriend he wants to aid whatever is wrong asap, fix it, which is sweet you have to see where theyāre coming from they want to fix the problem. As women tho I just want support and comfort and I can fix it on my own later when I feel better. Just simply tell him to be more comforting in those moments, but maybe you also need to stop being a Debby downer, nobody wants to be with someone whoās never happy or always complaining about something. Hope this helps!
Bro has good head on his shoulders, and you better cherish it. This is a peaceful relationship. You’ll realize how good you had until you lose it, or maybe you are used to toxic relationships and people who’d just agree with you because they want some.
Wait: this is not your bf being too positive. This is your bf invalidating in a nice way. You can not like the restaurant and still appreciate some aspects of it.
Now, the point is I am kinda the same so I don’t really know how to change it, but the combo “hey just tell me it s*ck sometimes” and seeing how the other person feels better when validated is what I found useful the most
He invalidates your feelings. Thatās not a good thing. Heās all about that toxic positivity. I have relatives like that and I avoid them like the plague
Is it that heās ātoo positiveā or is it that heās not validating your feelings?
Like one or two other comments have said, itās likely down to differences in communication.
Heās trying to āfixā the problems or make you (in his mind) feel better.
You need to get on the same page. Explain to him what youāre looking for when you say these things to him.
Do you feel like your thoughts or opinions are taken seriously in other aspects of your relationship?
My girlfriend is the same way. Really, sheās just trying to help, but weāve had to have conversations where I tell her I am feel like sheās invalidating my real feelings by always trying to make it into a positive. Like sheās not really hearing what Iām saying and just trying to shut me up.
Thereās no simple fix, because you donāt want to be at either end of the spectrum. We just try to remind ourselves to practice mindfulness and knowing we are both in this together.
My bf recently watched some video about how when women are complaining what they actually want from men is a hug, not problem solving. So now any time I moan about anything heās like āawā¦ come hereā with his big bear arms. So it could be worse, just sayingš
This is like Ted Lasso. It’s normal to not like it, because it’s not a normal way to behave. Humans are supposed to get emotionally upset about things. Being unhappy is what validates being happy. His constant positivity is unnatural and I would in no way think there is something wrong with you because you are around somebody who unnaturally refuses to be negative.