A friend of mine has been dating a guy for 3.5 years with a small break in there that they weren’t together. Every time she brings up the idea of a future he always tells her they’ll have the conversation a different time. She says the never circle back to it, ever.
Today she finally asked point blank over text “Do you think you’ll ever want to marry me?” His response? “I can see that”.
I’ve told her that this guy clearly doesn’t see a future with her and she’s merely a placeholder until he does find what he wants. She is obviously hurt by the response given the amount of time they’ve been together, but insists that’s not the case here.
Am I wrong in thinking this guy won’t ever give her what she needs?
Additional info: he has two kids (16 & 8 year old) that she’s never been allowed to meet. No, he isn’t married (she confirmed the divorce) and no he doesn’t live with another woman. He has no real reason to give her either as to why she can’t meet them.
25 comments
If he wanted to, he would.
It seems pretty clear that he’s not serious.
Yes. Full stop.
Your friend is wasting her time.
Looks like he’s stringing her along, she should propose herself, and if he doesn’t say yes she can leave him
More than enough time to decide.
They’ve been together 3.5 years and he avoids the topic of marriage AND she hasn’t met his kids? He clearly doesn’t want to be with this girl long term and is only with her for the benefits
As a divorced guy who went through a rough one, it’s really hard to want to jump back into that pool. Knowing you love someone and want to be with them is different than actually walking down the isle in some peoples mind. What does she want? Marry me or I’m finding someone who will – if so that’s perfectly fine for her to set that timeline. Does she want kids and feels like she is being strung along past the point of that being a possibility? Her desires are important of course BUT
Divorce suuuucks. I had two very young kids and my entire life was destroyed in the blink of an eye and it took many years for me to put everything back together. I was not in the mindset to do that again for quite sometime and it sounds like this guy had a long marriage due to kids ages so his was probably quite rough as well. It’s a hard thing to move on from sometimes and pressure to do so will not make it better.
Yeah this guy has no intention of marrying her. He should be man enough at his age to just say that out right but he seems like he’s got the emotional IQ of a rock. Ditch his ass and move on.
I was with my ex for over 8 years before we tied the knot and still ended up getting divorced.
I would mind my business and let her learn on her own. That’s truly the only way.
This is really sad I’m so sorry for your friend. By this point she should have met his kids, that’s the biggest red flag.
Bounce bounce bounce
🚩🚩🚩🚩
The fact she’s been with him for 3.5 years and never met his kids is a huge red flag. I’m voting no, this guy isn’t planning on marrying her. Logically, if he saw a future with her he would have introduced her and the kids a long time ago. He would want to make sure they all got along, wanted to see how she interreacts with them, given them all a chance to bond.
My now-husband and I dated for marriage, which we discussed (not in-depth, but enough to ensure we were on the same page) before we even went on our first date. We got married a year and a half later. If she is ready to discuss committing her life to someone who is avoiding the subject entirely, that’s likely a dealbreaker.
Based on your context, it looks like the guy isn’t just ready yet.
It’s my personnal opinion so maybe it doesn’t apply here, but I know many guys who think the same:
A break/break up reset the relationship. So if we’re dating for 3.5 years and we take a break, we’re back to 0 so, might be why he’s pushing back mariage, he doesn’t trust her anymore after the break.
If you’re 21, no. If you’re 28 yes.
As a child of divorce, I’ve promised myself 7-10 before I even consider it
wow. she is gullible. The tenacity is strong in that one.
She needs to break up with him. One of two things will happen. Either he’ll realize she’s the one and change everything, or she’ll dodge bullet. Either way, she’ll know.
Marriage? Instead, I’d give an ultimatum about meeting the kids. There’s a big hole in intimacy right there. That’s alarming.
This is the shit my father has done to so many women. He goes out with them for 2-4 years. They have fun and go on trips he pays for and they hangout and do cute shit but the reason they break up is because the woman starts asking about marriage. They want a deeper connection through actual hard conversation and a more solid commitment. So he then starts withdrawing affection, trips and putting effort toward spending time together until they drop it. He repeats this cycle again and again every time they bring it up until they don’t drop it and he finally withdraws so long and hard enough that they feel no other option but to break up with HIM. He does it this way so he doesn’t feel at fault or like he used them then broke up with them, even though he does. He can go back and say,” See. Look. They broke up with me. We just grew apart.” Instead of acknowledging he is actively weaponizing and hiding his extreme emotional unavailability and manipulating them into thinking he wants more commitment in the future. When they confront him about it he says he never admitted he wanted any of those things and they are putting words in his mouth. He’s a 50-something forever bachelor fuckboi who doesn’t believe in marriage at all. He’d never admit that to someone who is entertaining him and giving him a “good time”.
Before you ask: Yes, I’ve been to therapy.
Oh my God as soon as you said she hasn’t met his kids after that long I almost fell out of my chair. Earth to your friend… Shes a side chick or something!
3.5 years and never met his kids? She is absolutely a placeholder until he meets his future wife. She needs to have a little more respect for herself and leave him. She’s wasting her time.