My boyfriend (32M) of 8 years suddenly says he hates my parents, that all of my problems are because of them and that I have to cut contact (after first telling them off)

There is an incredibly long backstory to my boyfriend’s (32M) and my (32F) relationship, so hopefully this doesn’t end up too long. I’m not very good at writing and this is my first post ever.

We grew up in the same town, reconnected a few years after college, and now we’ve been in a relationship for the past 8 years. It has been tumultuous to say the least, mostly related to extreme financial difficulties and opposing personalities.

I’m extremely shy and probably have social anxiety disorder – he is extremely outgoing. I like calm and quiet, and like to spend some of my time alone – he has ADHD, likes to always be moving, can talk for hours, and can’t stand being alone. I like to have concrete plans and goals – he hates making plans and loves to be spontaneous.

I grew up in what I think is a normal household with both parents and a sister in the suburbs, didn’t get into trouble, had average to good grades, played sports, had a dog, etc. He grew up without parents around (his dad was working all the time, and his mom left when he was 2), and was a latchkey kid, always out playing with friends in the neighborhood to avoid being home alone. He wasn’t allowed to play sports, wasn’t allowed to have a pet, and was sort of a troublemaker by the time he was in high school, never doing schoolwork and partying and staying at his friends house for weeks at a time.

Later as 24 yr old adults we met back up and started dating, and have since moved around a few times, gotten a dog, rent an apartment together, etc.

In 2020 we had to leave the apartment we were in because randomly the ceiling started to flake off and we had no other choice but stay with my parents in our hometown. We only stayed for a few months, but in that time was it the height of Covid and 2020 election politics. My boyfriend never paid much attention to politics but now gained a massive interest in it and became a huge Republican. My parents are huge Democrats. Suddenly there were lots of heated debates happening every single day. They could go on for hours and hours and no one had anywhere to go, because everyone worked from home. Every day my boyfriend would walk away frustrated that he couldn’t convince them to change their stance on anything. Then *WE* would get into arguments because I didn’t stick up for him enough and was trying to stay out of it.

Eventually we moved out and our arguments changed into him straight up telling me that both my parents, and especially my mom, are pieces of shit who don’t know anything, act like they are above everyone, enjoy putting people down, don’t have feelings, have personality disorders, aren’t capable of having friends, are way too involved in my life, try to control and manipulate me, did the shittiest job raising me, neglected me, caused me to have social anxiety, and that I should realize this and be livid at the way they’ve treated me. And that I need to call them up and tell them all of this before cutting contact with them for good. He says that the way *he* grew up was better because he’s stronger and prepared for the world and that the fact that my childhood had no major conflict is more proof that they never cared about me or cared about raising me up right.

To me this is absolutely insane and every example he gives me seems minimal and like he’s reading way too much into things and making something out of nothing. But he breaks down and tells me how horrible and insignificant they made him feel during those debates so I have to think, “Is he right?!” But I always come to the same conclusion and now we’ve been going in circles for months having the same argument.

I don’t know what to do because we are at a standstill and he’s said that we can’t move past this and succeed in life unless I admit that he’s right and then cut them off. Even though they have helped us out financially so many times and are still helping us almost every month in some capacity. What do I do?

I feel like we’ve gotten to the point of breaking up but I’m afraid he’ll hurt himself and destroy everything in the apartment if we do, and he has nowhere to go– he has no good relationships with his friends or family anymore– as well as no car or money saved up. We share everything. I have a new apartment lease and a stable job here that I love and don’t want to quit in order to move back to my parents’ or sister’s or a friend’s (who all live 8+ hours away now).

This is truly the bare minimum of context I could provide but there’s sooooo much more.