This is probably a common story, but ever since leaving college my social life has gone down the drain. I used to have a handful of close friends and a robust community of acquaintances (I’ve never been especially popular, but that’s fine by me), but today I effectively have two friends: a girlfriend and a childhood best friend. It’s been tough to rebuild my social life, because a) my workplace is almost exclusively made up of adults ages 40-50+ who have kids and mortgages, b) I’m relatively shy/introverted to begin with, and c) it seems like guys especially make friends during childhood/teenage years and are resistant to expanding friend groups later (in my personal experience, at least).
I’m aware of the things you’re supposed to do to make friends — volunteer! play a sport! find a hobby! — but I’m curious if anyone’s had success just starting from scratch and making new friends as an adult. I’m not looking for advice so much as stories to convince me it’s not totally hopeless.
TL;DR: I barely have friends. Been that way since leaving college. Anyone been in this situation & have success stories?
8 comments
Yes. I joined a liberal church. Also volunteered on several political campaigns. Meeting like-minded people is important to me, and I eventually made new friends although I am shy.
When I was exactly your age, I moved to Phoenix for a job. My mom lived there. I knew no one else.
I joined the city rugby team to make friends and be active. I’d say half the team were guys like me looking to have fun and socialize. An injury forced me to quit within a few months, but, while it lasted it was great.
Two months later a good friend flew to visit, we went out on the town, and that night I met my now wife . . . She is a PHX native and thru her I made a solid friend (husband of one of her friends)
A few years later we bought a house here and I became good friends with my neighbor.
So, friends were made through putting myself out there, friends thru my SO’s circle, and then by circumstance.
As a mid 30s married dad with toddlers who also works from home . . . PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE
You have nothing tying you down. It only gets harder man. I had to push myself since I am fairly introverted. But it is worth it let me tell you.
We also made friends, but didn’t really connect too deeply at a church we have since stopped going to, but, that is another avenue.
As an adult your options are work, activities, neighbors, religious org, or your SOs friends.
It is not totally hopeless, and those ‘cliches’ are actually the only options and they have worked for me personally.
Counterintuitive, but as soon as I quit giving a fuck about making friends, I made friends. Idk why. It’s like people are attracted & want in when they think they can’t get in. Humans.
I made my adult friends when I wasn’t even looking for friends. I’ve always liked the outdoors and hiking and found a volunteer event to repair some trails near me and meet my now friends volunteering as well. We found that we had a lot in common besides a love of the outdoors. I suggest doing something you enjoy and go from there so if you don’t meet anyone you still have a good time and if you do then it’s an added bonus.
46M and we’ve moved several times – as the boss at work, like you that’s an easy avenue I don’t have. What works is the list you have. If you find and stick with healthy hobbies that have a social component, you can get to know people with a common interest that can lead to more.
Doesn’t matter how many you have but the quality of friends , the older you get you tend to downsize the volume of friends as your life changes from being a young socialite to visiting friends and small outings together.
The most successful way I have found is to do a hobby which brings the same group together week after week. Time seems to forge friendships, I also suggest doing things out of the hobby after 6 or so weeks – it’s scary as they may reject you but often other ppl want to and are too shy to suggest the same.
It’s not for everyone, but I went to an event that was like speed dating but intended for everyone to make friends. It was awkward, but everyone was in the same boat. I ended up getting a ride home from a girl who lives near me, and it’s been over a year now and we’re still friends. We hang out at least once a month and do things like wild swimming/hiking/making food. She’s amazing and my only friend outside of work. It was uncomfortable at first to put myself out there and took a lot of effort to maintain but she’s one of my favorite people and I’m so glad I went to that event!