My husband has a great job makes 6 figures BUT he has put himself in so much debt he literally asks me for money for lunch and gas to get to work every week.
I am so irritated with this situation! I also have no sympathy because he did this to himself. He does not listen to me and ends up doing stupid things. Then whines about it when it comes back to bite him in the butt.
I pay almost all the household bills, groceries, baby supplies, daycare and basically take care of a grown man. He owes all of my family members money.
It’s embarrassing and i can’t say anything to anyone about it.
I’m just frustrated.
UPDATE:
I can’t get to every comment, but basically, the man does NOT listen to me until sh*t hits the fan, and then he gets the point.
My name is not on any of this stuff because i told him not to get it in the 1st place. You make your bed, you sleep in it.
We did talk and he agreed to speak with a financial advisor. Hopefully, they can convince him that we need a Budget that he has to stick to.
I do not encourage his way but i also do not force my will on him.
We make 240k between the two of us in California
He is probably around 100k in debt
He is an impulse shopper. So there are some deeper issues there, which i am aware of.
26 comments
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Do you give him money for lunch and gas?
that is crazy 6 figures and can’t handle money it’s pathetic.
What is he spending his money on? Do you have any idea where it is all going?
I would stop enabling him by giving him money. And go see a marriage therapist together before the resentment grows to the point where divorce is the only option/
We vow “for richer for poorer” in marriage, but this is not “poorer”, this is mishandling of family funds. And there is a resolution available. It isn’t easy and it will not be fun, but it’s available.
You need to take a financial literacy class (both of you). Find a class in your town, sometimes they’re hosted by churches or community colleges. If you cannot find one, find some trusted family members or friends to take an online course with you.
Lay it all out on the table, all of the debt, loans, subscriptions-everything. Both of you should know where every single penny is going. (This can be done in private, if you feel that the numbers he provides are truthful.) A strict budget should be formed which the class will help you with.
My husband and I make 80k total a year, have zero debt and a healthy savings account, it is not only possible for y’all to come back from this, but probable. But, you’ve got to go at it as a couple and start getting this all out in the open and start working on it asap.
Also, if it is at all possible that this is a gambling addiction, that needs to be priority one.
Stop enabling him.
His behavior will continue as long as he doesn’t have to face the consequences because you give him money.
Obviously he needs to learn about budgeting and personal finance but he’s not going to do any of that until he gets pretty uncomfortable.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. What a shitty partner he is.
Protect yourself and your assets. Speak to a lawyer and firm this up. There’s a chance you may have to pay some of his debt if you are married and capable. Why are you giving him gas and lunch money, and not forcing him to amends to your family members he owes money to? You are shrugging your shoulders and enabling his behaviours. What do you want people to say to you? Poor OP? Get into counselling or divorce him. He’s throwing your life and reputation away.
It’s time for you to take away his CC’s and manage your money OR walk away.
Depending on where you live, his debt is your debt. So, I’d end the marriage before it becomes that much worse. Granted you’ll probably have to pay 50% of the debt accrued during the marriage but it’s better to get that stopped now before it’s out of control. I’m not saying divorce and leave, I’m saying divorce so you’re financially safe and get your finances under control and away from him so he doesn’t bring you down with him.
You need to stop enabling him. He doesn’t need all the things you listed in a different comment, and sending him money is just going to allow him to keep spending.
My husband was on his way down this path, and I let him know real quick that I will not tolerate it. We still have separate bank accounts, but he is doing much better. He started grocery shopping and making sandwiches for lunch instead of going to restaurants, no longer buys things “just because,” etc… it wasn’t an easy adjustment for him to make, but he’s used to it now, and has actually found joy in being frugal.
You need to talk to him and make him see how serious of an issue it is. And if he can’t see it, ask yourself if you want to keep living like that…
I feel like he may have some sort of addiction you don’t know about maybe, like what is he even buying?
If he’s broke, then you’re both broke. You need to work together to figure out how to save money and keep him from wasting his.
Stop paying for ANYTHING until he agrees to a budget.
Stop enabling him. He can make lunch from the groceries. He needs to make sure he has gas money for the week or he can explain to his job why he couldn’t make it. If he can’t begin to come up with at least half of all of you guys expenses in whatever timeframe you give him to get his stuff together, you let him know that you’ll be considering separation.
You need to sit down with your husband have a serious conversation and financial plan and asses his priorities and spendings if he wants to stay long term together, he needs to get his shit together. I understand if it was a one off situation but regularly doing so is just embarrassing. End of the day your married and partners so if he doesn’t do what he should be doing maybe time to move.
Why can you not tell anyone about it… he needs to give control of money to you.. why is he not paying any portion of bills or expenses..
Is he doing something illegal. This all sounds really suspicious..
I looked at your post history.. it seems you aren’t happy in this marriage and money issue to boot.. I would say take your child and stop supporting him.
What you allow is what will continue.
I’d say no money for gas or anything until he gives you full access to his finances. And then see if you can get lower interest consolidation loan to pay off loans or credit cards. Get rid of anything not necessary. Sell the timeshare??! If he continues the way he has, you also could find yourself responsible for some of his debt. Especially if he passes away. At the very least remove him from your accounts, so he can’t run up things in your name.
I would be scared to pull his credit report. He may have thousands (or hundreds of thousands) in credit card debt. As his married partner, you are most likely liable for all his debts so it would be good to have him come clean with you. In the grand scheme of things $125k is not a lot and certainly not enough to be living the high life. If you have any plans in the next 20 years for a comfortable retirement, having this conversation now is extremely important.
See a financial advisor. I’d suggest pooling money, putting him on an allowance, demand your approval for purchases that aren’t a necessity / over $50 and demand you see his budget / bank statements.
Yes, he’s a grow man that earns his own money, but he is hurting your family with his behaviour.
May be embarrassing for him, but know one needs to know and he isn’t responsible enough to not do this.
Did you not talk about finances before you married? Surely the credit card, tax arrears, classic car, and time share would have been brought to light?
I’m just flabbergasted when someone making over 6 figures go broke. Like, he obviously not a dumb ass if he’s getting paid so much. He obviously deals with money, in one form or another for work, so wtf? I get that he’s done some stupid investments and have racked up credit cards, but come on! You guys should really go see an advisor for money management.
I’m not a mathematician, but something isn’t adding up here 🤨
This sounds like you’re his mother. If you guys have children , Lord bless your soul.