I have a higher-than-average libido for my age (55M). I could have sex once a day, easily.
I could compromise and live with twice a week.
My wife is more of a twice-a-month woman at this point.
Before anyone suggests it…
I’m not terrible in bed. I’m very attentive.
The issue is her work/hours. She works a lot and has a high stress job. She’s always exhausted and she has a very hard time “flipping the switch” and feeling sexual very often.
It makes me want to scratch the itch somewhere else and not bother her with my hyperactive libido, but I don’t want to have an affair.
I wish prostitution was safe and legal in the US. That would probably solve everything, but it’s not.
Any thoughts/suggestions? Anyone else in this predicament?
30 comments
Do absolutely everything you can to take the stress off her such as housework, organize things to make the house work more efficient, go on dates as if you are a new couple and just hope for the best
You could ask if she will let you have an FWB on the side.
The question also applies (in some ways even more) to a couple of friends of mine.
One, in particular, literally hasn’t had sex in well over a year. I think maybe 4 times in the last 5 years. He also has a high libido.
Personally, I think that is cruel.
Sorry to hear this. It is common though. Mostly because sex was not discussed at the beginning of the relationship.
Unfortunately, this is sometimes a lesson that is learned once your in that relationship.
People often overlook seemingly small things when the relationship is fresh and exciting.
Expecting the other person to “just know” how you feel and change the way they want them to.
This rarely is the case, so there ends up being resentment. Which bleeds into other parts of the relationship.
And the vicious cycle starts and grows.
Your choices are communication. Sit her down and express your needs and wants.
Hopefully you are able to talk openly and she is receptive to actually HEARING you.
Next would seek out a counselor who deals with sexual issues and relationships.
3rd….compromise. Which it sounds like you are. And live out your days frustrated.
4th…and I am VERY against this because of how hurtful it is…find an outside outlet.
5th. If you can just live this way. Move on. Your not young but not old yet.
I’m in my 50’s and married to a younger woman who has a very high sex drive to match mine.
Yes…I like sex every day as well. And would not live with twice a week sex.
You can find someone your more compatible with if you hurry.
And just because you prioritize your needs, does not mean she or you, are bad people.
It just means you are not compatible.
Good luck to you. Having Bern in a sexless relationship I can tell you the best thing I did on many levels was move on.
If you say she would approve of prostitution have y’all considered ENM? Me and my wife are closer now that we are Poly and we had a similar issue.
My wife and I have more sex than we did before we opened up. Me being free to explore made her feel less guilty (not that she needed to) saying no, because I was allowed to seek it elsewhere. This made it feel less like a chore which can happen in long term relationships. It also helped that we were hyper communicative.
I stopped complaining about it. I learn to live with it. I suffer immensely. But I like my life except that
Use your hand.
Love your name.
“He treats objects like women, man”
That’s my last marriage. It’s one of the bigger reasons I got divorced. My current GF is 55 and loves sex as much as I do. We only see each other 2-3 nights a week, but we have sex 2-3 times a night when we see each other.
The point is, she didn’t have sex in the last three years of her marriage. She got on HRT and now she loves sex. Make the suggestion to your wife that she explore HRT with her GYN. It’s a game changer.
Umm, because having sex with a prostitute isn’t cheating? Ok. If you say so.
Compromise is for when your ideal frequencies overlap–if your ideal is daily but you’d be happy with weekly and her ideal is monthly but she’d be happy with weekly, you compromise by doing it weekly.
That said–if the job is the problem, can you schedule weekend sex?
It seems like two different needs that aren’t met: 1). You want intimacy with your wife 2). You want sexual release.
Being with someone else can give you #2 but will you still be happy with that if you don’t have #1?
I m in her shoes and can’t explain how hard it is to stay normal and calm after a long day at work…
Personally? Nonmonogamy works for me. S/O and I both go through zero-libido phases due to stress or hormones and it’s nice to scratch that itch with a FWB or at a NSFW party. Though we also have been nonmon from the start because I knew pre-relationship that this is what I wanted. Opening an existing relationship has an infamously high failure rate.
Just throwing this out there but does your wife know you post nudes of her on the internet? Perhaps she is regretting it and feeling distant?
Let your wife read this post so she can leave you.
Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man.
Do you take ED drugs?
Going to a prostitute is much the same as having an affair, such still in another woman
I(43M) am in the exact same boat. What I do, is insist that when she is about to shower, she takes her clothes of where I can see. I start my jerk and by the time she is done with her cleanse I am usually pretty close. I say, “Baby, give me a kiss.” She knows my need because I have communicated it clearly. She will give me an intimate kiss, maybe even touch me a bit, and let me complete with her presence in contact with her partial or complete nudity. It is not my ideal, but is more satisfying than being alone, and since she cares about my needs and I respect her feelings, it feels like a decent comprimise.
Don’t ruin your relationship with an affair. Own your decisions as a grown up man. You should talk, maybe once a week it would be a nice number for you and her
Uhhh… watch porn? Problem solved. Your wife would probably be very hurt if she saw that you considered hooking up with a prostitute. I have a very high libido too, and masturbate daily. I am single, but if I were in a relationship I would likely still masturbate more often than having sex. Don’t ruin your marriage, it’s not worth it
I have a healthy relationship with my hand and some toys/vibrators. My wife has a bad hormone problem and will not take HRT. We have had sex maybe 10-20 times in the last 15 years. Most of those were probably 10 years back. We’ve had sex once in the past three years.
I to just want the intimacy. I wouldn’t mind going down on her just to be pleasing her, but as someone else mentioned if she isn’t horny it’s just going through the motions.
I have considered divorce but feel like I am no longer attractive enough to find anyone anymore. So hopefully old/older age will eventually take my libido. I masturbate at least once a day sometime twice. Good luck.
I can relate to this post as the wife. What’s her love language? Are you emotionally intimate with her? Cleaning/cooking/chores are for the house, and are shared. What do you do for her to let her know you love and desire her? What do you give her that no one else can?
HL female here! my bf is a sweet LL vanilla boy, so sex is no that important for him as is for me. however i made him understand how this is important for me and he’s trying his best. First, communication with your partner. Second and MOST important, try to live your sexuality by yourself. There are tons of erotic literature or some other forms to live it without cheating.
Get her to an endocrinologist and have a full hormone panel bloodwork done. If she’s over 45, she’s likely very low on testosterone, below what she needs to function properly. Once she gets treated for this, it will help tremendously in all aspects. Her testosterone should be around 150. There’s bio identical hormone replacement therapy. I have so many patients that tell me it changed their lives. Husbands have their wives back and they’re grateful.
I watched something about this the other day. A lot of women don’t feel aroused until someone starts to do something sexual that shifts them into that state. That’s why we become more interested in sex once we’ve done a little foreplay before hand. Try taking the initiative to set up something sexy. Switch it up a bit. Obviously have an open conversation with her about it first and then ask her what she may be interested in. If you have an idea of what she would be interested in try be spontaneous w it on a day she’s not too tired. See what happens:) there’s a lot of great YouTube videos on this topic and books if you are interested research it some. Women’s sexuality is very interesting even to me and I’m a women. I’ve learned a lot about myself from those videos.
Here’s what my spouse and I do when are libidos aren’t matching up. We’ll agree to either a quick hand job for me, or I’ll use a sex toy on her and get the job done in about 20 minutes. It’s not stressful since you don’t need to be in the mindset for sex, you just focus on your partner and release their sexual energy.
My husband had the same thought. That he didn’t want to add to the stress of my high pressure job. We had what I thought was a great sex life. Sometimes several times a day, exploring a lot with our sexuality. What I didn’t catch was that he was lonely when I traveled or was working a lot and didn’t want to pressure me so he didn’t ask, when I would have been so willing to have given him more. He slept with an old friend and it was pretty traumatic for both of us. It ended up leading to some big conversations and lifestyle changes that all could have been avoided if we’d just talked and listened. Luckily, we survived it and things are really solid after some lifestyle changes but man was it painful and I will always wish he’d just been honest with me and been able to express the level of what he was feeling. Things could have been so different.
This is a fake post and probably should be removed. Unless if almost all his other posts are fake and this is the real one (honestly, probably all the others AND this are fake) , I know it seems like time flies when you’re having fun, but how have you gone from 50 to now 55 within 1 year?
Why are you posting photos of your “wife” and “ex” – which they are likely neither by the way.