Half of this will be a vent-fest, and the other half is looking for advice. For the past year, my wife and I have been struggling. At the onset, I want to say that this isn’t really anything with compatibility, or infidelity or anything like that. We are happy together and love the hell out of each other. Here’s the situation:
We have two kids (9 y/o and 14 months). Since our youngest was born, our life has been…challenging. First, I almost immediately lost a very close family member unexpectedly, leaving me to deal with the estate for about 6 months, which required me to travel nearly every weekend. At the same time, her mother was diagnosed with a serious medical issue which has required care that is increasing in both time and complexity. It’s at the point now where she is caring for her nearly every day. I think what she’s doing is incredibly sweet, brave, and shows what a tremendously good person she is…especially given their sordid history. This, then, consequently leaves me as functionally a single parent most nights.
Naturally, these things have taken their toll on our relationship. Not in the form of fighting, but more of distance. We don’t have time to connect anymore, spend quality time together, and intimacy is largely out the window. We’ve gotten in a decent rhythm of getting the kids to sleep and watching a show together before bed. But for a few months now, the prospect of ‘watching a show’ has been grating on me, but I couldn’t figure out why. After all, we are so unbelievably exhausted at the end of the day that sometimes it’s the only activity we can muster. But it just hit me that, for the only activity we really do together, there is functionally no interaction between us. No talking, no paying attention to each other, nothing that leaves (at least me) satisfied in how we spent that time.
**My first question is:** Is this normal? It seems to be a meme that couples get the kids to bed and watch something before bed. Some days, it’s great. Other days, it feels lacking.
**My second question is:** Are there any creative ideas for activities we could do together in the evening? I’m a big fan of board/card games and video games, but the vast majority of the time those seem to have little traction with her.
***TL:DR*** \- I’m looking for creative ways to spend time with my spouse at night in ways that allow us to connect/reconnect.
5 comments
I’d say there’s no such thing as “normal” but with all you two have going, I’d say it’s common albeit not very healthy. You two are essentially in survival mode.
I think there are some simple things you could do.
1) find some respite home health care for your MIL. I have worked as a home health/hospice caregiver professionally and I’ve done it privately for family. The latter is HARD. Way harder than as a professional for a lot of reasons. Your wife needs a break. Find her some options. Lighten that load. And to hell with it if MIL refuses. Twice a week at least or on weekends, get someone in there.
2) plan a date night. Maybe once or twice a month you actually get a sitter and go out but at least once a week, have a date night. Our date night is Friday. We usually sit out on our porch, play cribbage, listen to music, have some drinks, and chat. We sometimes go out but usually are too tired and just want to hang out. Watching TV is fine but you can’t really check in and talk.
3) consider booking some couples therapy just to help you two communicate a little better about your needs. If you’re not having any intimacy, it’s hard to feel….intimate! But intimacy doesn’t have to be, and in my opinion should be, limited to the bedroom. Part of our job as parents is to demonstrate healthy relationships for our kids to model. Try adding in a kiss and hug goodbye in the morning. A kiss and hug when you get home. A little grab ass when you two pass in the kitchen.
I am childfree by choice so have not birthed a child. But I am a stepparent and know what it’s like to have your house exploding with activity and having sick family to care for, and needing to travel for work, and so on and so forth. If you don’t prioritize your marriage, you’ll lose it.
First of all, it is normal. In long relationships there are times like this where a lot is going on and you just are so exhausted that certain things go out the window. It’s temporary unless you let it become permanent.
You’re both tired at the end of the day so you go for the low effort time together. That’s okay! What if you added just a little bit to it? Still watch the show, but one of you make a cute snack or go grab milkshakes or something like a mini date night. Take turns massaging each others shoulders while you watch the show. Get some physical contact in there. Cuddle up, dont watch in separate couches. Maybe some nights you get the kids to bed and just go to bed early yourselves to cuddle and kiss a bit and see what happens. Little things help bridge that gap when life is hard. It will end though. Things will get easier.
I think you should look at some photos of your life together (like from parties, your wedding, when the kids were smaller) you could ask her for “help to choose a couple of photos to print and frame”. I find that we always end up talking about good memories.
If it’s summer and you have outdoor space you could also mix up a fancy drink and sit outside looking at the stars.
I hesitate to say this because maybe this doesn’t apply to you so use your judgement. Have a direct conversation about hopes/plans for sx tonight rather than trying to put moves on her like “let’s do something different tonight, instead of watching TV let’s give each other a back rub” when you secretly hope it will lead to more. So if you suggest something different that will help you connect, keep in mind that it’s not points that you can cash in later.
Others have said it, but it’s the little things that add up. My partner and I were feeling in a rut after just watching movies in the evening for so long. Then one day we realized… we never have popcorn when we watch movies! We never dim the lights or set the mood, we never make an event out of it. Now we throw ourselves a little movie theater experience from home and it’s great. Making that change was so small, simple, and impactful. It doesn’t matter how small a thing you do, it’s the effort you put into it that counts
Sir… you left your wife with two young kids every weekend for 6 months, which you don’t seem to see any issue with, but are irritated with her taking care of her mom? That is a completely unfair double standard. But in all honesty I get what you are saying, when our second child was born my husband and I struggled to connect and were exhausted constantly, he had colick for months and would scream for hours at a time. Just keep in mind that this is only a season of life that will pass. Before you know it your kids will be old enough to do a lot of things for themselves, and you and your wife will get a lot more quality time together. Give each other grace and try and accept that this is just how things are *for now*