I (28f) want to have casual sex and I think about it all the time but when the moment comes I always think to myself I can’t because “I haven’t shaved/groomed/etc”, “my hair looks bad”, “I should tidy up first”, “I’m bloated”, “I have to work early tmrw”, etc.
It’s like I’m always waiting for this perfect window where I have energy after work, don’t feel bloated, my place is perfectly tidy, and feel like I look pretty.
I guess I’m looking for advice or thoughts. I have multiple guys I’m talking to (have not met) who I genuinely want to have sex with but I never feel like the moment is right because I’m not at my physical best when that potential time comes, and I don’t want to plan for it in advance.
Maybe it’s cause I’m just lazy…. I don’t know but I want to change.
15 comments
I think a lot of it is anxiety. Giving yourself excuses from something that you’d probably enjoy because it feels safer to not. I know that’s what it’s like for me anyway. Still a good idea to shower and dress nice or any other things you want to do before that make you feel good but you’re probably fine.
You might just not actually want it? It’s normal to genuinely want to have sex with attractive people you meet day to day, or like the idea of casual sex, but actually acting on those feelings and carrying it out is another thing altogether that takes a certain kind of temperament. It’s perfectly fine to just let fantasies be fantasies.
Ahhhh this is literally me!! I was struggling with this for months, literally everything you listed. Ugh I need to clean the dishes out of the sink so he knows I’m clean, I have to shave my whole body, I have to be up at 6:30 for work, I would have to wash my hair and let it dry which takes 2 hours, etc. I’ve had this flirty friendship with a guy for months, and we’ve sexted multiple times and talked about wanting to have a night together. I just could not bring myself to follow through because of everything you said. I WANTED to do it, it just felt like it was never the right time where everything was easy going and lined up perfectly and effortlessly.
I worked late a few nights ago and got a text from him asking if I wanted to grab a beer. I needed to shower and shave, had just worked a 10 hour day, and yes I needed to be up at 6:30 the next morning and he was texting me at 9pm. I said fuck it and ran home and showered and shaved in like 15 mins and then told him to just come over and screw the beer. I am so glad I just went for it and ditched all my previous excuses. It’s not that big of a deal in the moment of it all if you’re bloated or your hair isn’t perfect or you have to be up early. If the sex is good, you’ll sleep like a baby and be fine getting up early anyways 🙂
Anyways, just here to say I 100% get what you’re saying and I’m the same way. But I realized after he left that all the little things I was worried about doing before having him over, really didn’t matter. Besides shaving, but even that wouldn’t have had him say never mind I’m going home. Go get yourself some action and get out of your head!
Maybe you don’t really want to have casual sex. Feels like your subconscious is finding all kinds of ways to sabotage your opportunities.
OR, as you surmise, maybe you’re just lazy!
Sex is a God-given instinct. Becareful how you use it
Just do it. Once you break the ice you’ll be good
Maybe casual sex is what you think you want but subconsciously you find excuses to not go through with it because maybe it goes against some beliefs or something deeper you have about the idea (like some kind of intuition?)? Idk… don’t know if you are a spiritual person or not but if so maybe the “something deeper “ has to do with that? One must be mindful of who’s energy they let into/share their energy with.
Call me old fashioned but you don’t have to worry about grooming yourself. I’m sure your hair looks fine. When you meet the right person you will know. Don’t settle.
Don’t force yourself to have casual sex. Studies show too much damages you ability to bond long term, higher numbers of parters is associated with less happiness
I also want to have casual sex but have totally no idea how to meet new people
Anxiety it is .
Definitely meet first. If the vibe is right, go for it. Plan a night to make it happen. Clean up, do whatever makes you feel your best and just do it.
Ok, I (M40) can tell you I’ve been like that since my 20’s. You always make plans in your mind, you feel the desire, you really want to, you have people dtf, buuuuut, then you just overthink about, how long it gonna take, you have too many things to do at home, can I have a fun conversation with her between sessions? I got to the point when I had to go to the mall or do errands I tried to get a date with any of my “friends” before going back home, like “it’s now or never”. Well, there is too much overthinking, just do it. Enjoy… later it will be too late and people just get tired of waiting, leave and you spend your life complaining about how boring is your life.
If the person doesn’t find you perfect the way you are, they’re not worthy of you. Relax and be you.
Have really tense sex instead