Yesterday my boyfriend and I got into an argument over text. Last night, when we’d both gotten into bed for the night, he started to kiss me and them progressed towards foreplay. I told him I wasn’t in the mood. He got frustrated immediately and said it wasn’t right for me to use sex as a weapon to punish him for an argument. He said that’s emotional manipulation.
I told him I just wasn’t in the mood, but he insisted I was “withholding” to “punish” him for not agreeing with him earlier. So I said fine, but since I wasn’t in the mood, I didn’t really participate. I just laid there and let him do all the work. He got frustrated about that too and called it further manipulation. At this point I got frustrated and said I wasn’t a circus animal that did tricks on command, and if I’m not in the mood, I’m not in the mood.
He pulled out and told me to flip over because he “didn’t want to look at my face” due to what a bitch I was being. I refused. He tried to flip me over, so I got up and went into the living room to sleep on the couch. He followed me into the living room, and we started to argue more, and he told me he needed me to take care of his stiffie, but I told him no. Again, he got upset about me being a bitch.
I ended up sleeping in the living room. I’m so mad at him, and I’m starting to lose attraction for him, but we are on a lease together for another eight months, so I can’t break up with him before that. What’s a good way to resolve this conflict and make our relationship amicable again? I don’t want to sleep on the couch for the next eight months or do it doggy style for the rest of that time either.
TL;DR My boyfriend got frustrated when I didn’t want to have sex with him, and I don’t know how to calm things down.
41 comments
Talk to the landlord/ lady?
This is no way to live.
Your boyfriend is a rapist.
Move out, tell him you’ll report him to the police if he doesn’t leave you alone, cut contact. Yes, you might get sued or evicted. That’s better than spending eight months paying rent in order to be treated like a sex slave out of fear of being sued or evicted.
Your boyfriend thinks you’re his sex object first and foremost. Therefore, it doesn’t matter what your emotional state is because fulfilling his wants is your job.
It is *very* normal and reasonable to not want to have sex with someone you are unhappy with. That’s not emotional manipulation, it’s basic cause and effect for people who expect some level of connection for intimacy.
The turning you over thing is disgusting.
Why does he even have this expectation? You do not *ever* have to submit to sex you don’t want, especially with a demanding, selfish, short-sighted, and emotionally stunted partner.
You can talk to your landlord to break the lease. I would also talk to your boyfriend to recalibrate his expectations here.
His behavior and demands are totally unacceptable.
Your boyfriend is abusive. In no universe is it your job to ‘take care of his stiffie’ – wtf. He literally tried to assault you. He’s just shown you how little respect he has for you and how he’s going to be treating you for the rest of your relationship – listen to that and get out.
Your boyfriend tried to sexually assault you and coerce and manipulate you into sex. You need to contact your landlord, explain the situation is unsafe and ask about your options for breaking your lease. Please take this seriously for your own safety.
Your bf is trying to weaponize the language of mental health to force you into sex you don’t want. That’s not ok. It’s not your responsibility to ‘calm this down’ or to ‘take care of his stiffie.’ He’s a grown man who is responsible for his own emotions and his erection.
Sex is mutually pleasurable between two people. If you aren’t enjoying it, including because you still need space after an argument, your bf should not expect sex. The fact that he wants one sided sex is an instant dump red flag. The rest is just him doubling down on being a sexually coercive, abusive asshole.
Gotta love when a dude treats you like shit, then expects you to want to have sex. His response was sexual coercion and abuse. Leave
This man is abusive. Sexual coercion is a form of sexual abuse. I recommend you spend the next week reading about coercive control and abuse, and then make an exit plan. This man is going to hurt you. Let me know if you need safety resources.
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Get two single beds and break up with him. He’s a pig.
You need to leave before he rapes you. He already sexually coerced you into sex which is sexual abuse.
Do you have family you can stay with? Or talk to the landlord about breaking the lease because your boyfriend is abusive?
Not wanting to have sex because you’re not in the mood is a valid reason. In fact, you shouldn’t even need a reason, no should be enough.
And of course you’re not going to be in a mood after an argument, it doesn’t mean you are punishing him.
Get out for your safety. If he’s like this 4 months in, he will get worse.
Usually I’m not one to say break up right away but… y’all should break up. He sees you as an object to bend to his will and will never respect you.
You can break the lease. Talk to your landlord explain the situation and see if you can discuss options. This isn’t how anyone should ever treat someone they claim to love.
And watch out for the love bombing that’s sure to happen once you tell him it’s over. The mask has slipped. Only you get to decide what happens next.
Of course you can break up with him. And you absolutely should, he has a disgusting attitude and doesn’t see you as a person, just a sex doll. Tell him hes got two hands and he better get used to using them because no one wants to sleep with a rapey asshole who demands sex.
Maybe you guys have to keep sharing an apartment if you truly have no where else to go, but don’t have sec with him or continue to be his gf
That’s so fucking abusive what the actual hell
What you are describing is rape. No is a complete sentence. No one wants sex with someone they are upset with. GTFO!
You don’t owe anyone sex for whatever reason. Especially if you get treated like this. It should be pleasurable for you both. This was hard to read and feels like he forced you. This is not ok in any circumstances.
My god. Why did you allow this to happen? He’s essentially raped you. I’d be ending this immediately, he now knows he can get away with this horrible behaviour.
The little boy wanted is f’n candy!
Gimme my candy!!!
God. These types of relationships are the worst. I am honestly so angry with myself for all the shit I put up with in my last relationship. OP, it is not your job to “fix” anyone, or the unfixable for that matter. That guy probably won’t change. We can all agree he needs some therapy or to learn to be a decent human being, but its really not worth going through all that trouble. You deserve someone who loves and cares about you right off the bat. This guy does not care about you at all. When you said argument over text I could not help but get flashbacks from before. Heated ass arguments over text are so stupid and a good indication of the health of the relationship. My bf now and I honestly never really argue at all. Its crazy how far loving and caring about someone can go when it comes to making a relationship easier. It really does. This relationship is lacking a lot of love. Also he raped you. Beware OP. As someone who was in an abusive relationship before, this guy is raising a ton of red flags. I am not trying to judge him entirely from one post, but his behavior is NOT ok. Don’t really have advice on the lease thing. Best of luck.
He assaulted you. Leave him.
Ask him what makes him think it’s not OK for you to say what happens to your body. It has nothing to do with manipulation or control in the relationship, but as a woman being able to say NO at any time.
What makes him think he’s entitled to “take” you any time? That’s what rapists do.
He may not be thinking about it from that point of view and that IS NOT OK!
I f he has anything to say other than sorry and be horrified by his behavior, leave. This is not someone you want to be with.
In five years with my wife, I’ve never once come remotely close to demanding sex, let alone whipping my dick and and trying to rape her. Bc that’s what that was, plain and simple. Do with that as you will.
Well, women also get angry when their male partner doesn’t want to have sex when they are in the mood. Ask yourself first, if you were in mood and he gave excuse to not have sex, would you be frustrated or angry. If no then do as you wish, if yes then don’t apply double standard.
And I am saying this because my wife used to be angry sometimes when I wasn’t in the mood. And I know for the fact that this happens to most people. No need to lie here. And as husband and wife sometime I would compromise, sometimes her(which is less often).
And to make your relationship better, you both need to learn to forgive and respect eachother.
Edit to add: And with the attitude that other are giving, like you need no reason, fuck his needs, etc, most relationship won’t last. I’m not saying you should lower yourself, but sometimes he will have to compromise and sometimes you. Both being rigid wont make relationship work.
This boy is toxic. If he was so worked up that he felt he needed to do something about it, he should have gone and masturbated. You are not a sex toy, and as everyone else has said, you have every right to say no whether you can describe why or not. Nobody would be in the mood after fighting all day.
Your bf is a disgusting pig
Your boyfriend thinks you are a sexbot. Show him you are more than that by leaving.
Your boyfriend is abusing you and in many states (if you’re in US) you can break a lease if you’re being abused. Talk to the landlord and get away from this jerk. He’s gross. Flipping you over to not look at your face? Take care of his stiffie? Fuck that bullshit.
He is 100% the manipulative and abusive one. Flip you over? Disgusting. And he used coercion for sex with is sexual assault.
You need to make it clear that you are not just there to take case of his sexual desires. He’s being abusive and extremely controlling. And the fact that he said he didn’t want to look at your face and wanted you to turn over?
Please be careful around him. He’s showing this much anger and aggression over something as trivial as sex??? It’s predatory behavior. Document whatever needs documenting for when you leave, and don’t let him try to trick you into staying. Talk to your landlord about letting you off the lease earlier, but don’t let him know.
Stay safe, hun.
Op, don’t stay with this man.
Also get some kind supportive curious therapy, if possible, to unpack how you possibly could think this is your fault and not a cruel, bully being scary.
You deserve healthy self-worth and to always feel safe with any partner.
You never EVER need a reason to not have sex with your boyfriend. He needs to respect how you feel and what you want. You are not an object. I hope you realize there is so much better out there for you, and you deserve more than this. I would try to talk to your landlord and see if you can break the lease
That sounds really rapey honestly. He knew you weren’t in the mood but coerced you. Then when you weren’t a willing participant he wanted to flip you over so he didn’t have to look at you not enjoying it. That’s sick shit dude.
What the actual fuck.
Maybe find someone who doesn’t see you as nothing but a sex doll, and who doesn’t full on rape you.
You need to break up with him, call the police, and press charges. In many states, if you’re a victim of domestic abuse, you are able to break a lease without penalty, but you have to press charges. He abused you, and that is not okay. You need to get out of the house and have him arrested. This will escalate.
He sounds like a bit of a jerk and a hot head. If you didn’t want to have sex that night, that’s just fine. What women really likes doggy style anyway??? Could you find someone else take over your part of the lease and find yourself a room to rent. It sounds like you’ve had your fill of him. He can’t always have his way. He has to be respectful of you in and out of the bedroom. I would see if you can do that and ask him if he has a friend who could take over your share of the lease so that you can move out. Good luck to you.
He can take care of his own boner. Like that’s your “job”?? WTF?
You absolutely can break the lease. Your bf sounds like a vile human being and no amount of money or debt would make me stay with him after a night like that.
This is worth breaking a lease and taking the hit on the deposit.
Move out.
Break the lease.
You are paying for your freedom.
Your freedom is worth far more than the deposit.
Free yourself.
oh honey you were sexually assaulted. please please leave that horrible man. no one should EVER treat you (or anyone else) like that. call your parents, pack your bags and get out of there as fast as you can.
This is problematic to wtf levels.
First of all, not in the mood because of an argument is human, it’s not manipulation. Secondly I couldn’t believe what I was reading when he demanded you flip so he didn’t have to see your face while he used your vagina to jerk himself off. Let’s call it as it is without sugarcoating it. I really hope you are a troll and this is rage bait because being trolled is preferable to what this is if it’s real. Unbelievable!!
This is definitely sexual coercion on its way to full blown rape. Leave this guy.
Fuck.
Ah yes, the old “You withheld sex because we were fighting” argument that completely ignores the idea that sex might have an emotional component.
Congratulations on learning your boyfriend considers you the equivalent of a flesh light. Now it’s your decision if you want to allow him to continue treating you as one.