My wife (35F) and I (38M) have been in marriage therapy for nearly 5 months for a number of reasons. We were separated for the first 2 months of it before I moved back in. I had left because her drinking became too much. I mainly moved back in not because we we were back to being ok, but because I given an ultimatum.
In the five months of therapy we switched therapists because she wasn’t comfortable with him. We’ve been regularly seeing this therapist for almost 4 months now. It has been frustrating since we have been trying to get through to her with her end of things, and is having a difficult time doing so.
This is not saying that I have been the best. I have been trying to open up more and spending more time with her. Essentially trying to have better quality time with her and trying to stay on a schedule.
Since I have moved back in her drinking has ramped back up to nearly what it was before. Creating the same problems, but amplified for multiple reasons. Many times I have felt the rules of therapy are either implied or dismissed depending on what we are arguing about. Regardless of how many times the therapist has asked if she has thought if her drinking may be a problem in our marriage. Along with the strong possibility that she is a strong candidate for Borderline Personality Disorder. She has decided her drinking isn’t a problem and she doesn’t have BPD. I understand the therapist is not responsible to be judge of our relationship. It is difficult to not see something is not right here.
In between sessions she will Google search/YouTube/podcast other therapist where essentially it upends the work being done with the therapist. Essentially putting what she says is important to her, and placing what I do as not enough or wrong. It has been severely frustrating to try to work with her when she seems to actively try to change what we have been working together all these months.
In the last week or so while drinking she has said that she plans to take the therapists advice about doing things that don’t necessarily involve me that would still make her happy. Kudos, but she followed up with saying she’s essentially doing it with the feeling of checking out of the relationship. Not her intention, but is what she sees is happening. In that time our sex life that was normally a possibility of everyday (more her than me) dry up completely.
I did not know what to think of it. I did not know if she was just thinking it or was essentially giving me a veiled threat. Difficult to still say.
Last night…drinking again she asks me if I’m only with her because I didn’t want to be alone; knowing that if we ended our marriage of ten years that she would move onto someone else pretty quickly. I told her we will talk tomorrow after my step daughters play. Since rules of therapy forbids having arguments after 1 am and/or if there’s been drinking.
She agreed…but then started ranting at me about my family not being LGBTQ+ friendly. I am, but some of my more moderate conversative family isn’t. Leaving me essentially not in the best of shape.
She stayed up until roughly 5 am drinking and talking with our female roommate that is renting our basement. Just like that she flips a switch from hostile talking to friendly banter.
I have not been able to sleep. I have been stuck on what she told me tonight. Does she already have someone in mind? I don’t believe she is the cheating kind of person, but what she has been saying and acting has made it super difficult to not be a bit paranoid. Is she just trying to push me to be the one that calls for a divorce so she isn’t the villain as she has said it before? I believe this attempt to talk in asking some very important questions and brutal honesty is probably going to be the break.
I can’t sleep. I’m trying my damnest to make a marriage work, but it wasn’t up until this last week that perhaps I’m the only one still trying. She’s just waiting for me to quit.
3 comments
She doesn’t want to be with you. She is miserable because you are there. You are putting in all the work and she has regress and it shows in how she stop seeing the therapist, because there were some uncomfortable truths. When women dislike the man they are involved with it doesn’t matter what you do( give her world for example) it will never be enough. I recommend ending it because you are fighting a losing battle.
I think maybe you’re focusing on the wrong thing here. She’s an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t think like “normal” people. Their brains, their inhibitions, their impulses, logic, thought processes, have all been disrupted by addiction.
In Al-Anon the general consensus is that couples counselling is unlikely to be effective if one party is in active addiction. Because you can’t rationalise with irrational.
For the same reason, most therapists won’t attempt to diagnose an active addict with something like BPD, because addictive behaviour can mimic the symptoms of these disorders.
Her behaviours and words aren’t making sense to you, because they don’t make sense, period. It’s all a result of how addiction messes with her brain and behaviour.
It would be a good idea to top up your therapy with something like Al-Anon, because when we’re in a relationship with someone who has an addiction we don’t understand, we often don’t see the woods for the trees.
If you learn more about how addiction works, and the behaviours that are very commonly found in addicts, I think all of this will start to become clearer to you.
Don’t adopt your step daughter.
She would get your for child support if you do if/when you divorce.