So, I (27M) have been seeing this guy (28M) on and off for a few months now, but lately it’s been more steady and increasing in seriousness, I think.
He wanted to try out a kink of his – spanking. Now, I have some problems with spanking – I was beaten pretty severely as a child by my dad, like to the point of bleeding/blisters, but I’ve never had experience with spanking sexually. So the last time I was spanked was by my dad as a kid.
Anyways, I thought I could handle trying it for him because I’m a people pleaser and worst case scenario I wouldn’t like it and we’d not do it again.
Well, long story short, I had a panic attack. I got very nauseous, dissociated, and froze. He noticed almost immediately, to his credit, and stopped and tried to comfort me, but him trying to comfort me in that moment for some reason made me feel worse somehow. He ended up leaving quietly and texting me that he was sorry if he did something wrong and that he hopes I’m okay.
I texted back that he didn’t do anything wrong and he replied with “well I think we should talk about this next time we hang out.” I’m not sure how to proceed with that conversation. We haven’t been seeing each other for very long, so it’s kind of early to have the “I’m the victim of severe childhood abuse and neglect that left me with mental scarring” conversation, ya know?
Sorry if this post seems stupid, I just didn’t know where else to ask about this kind of thing.
15 comments
he seems like a very nice guy, Im sure he will understand
i don’t think you have to think too hard about how to have the conversation. he seems like a perceptive guy with his head and heart in the right place, and how you described it here, “I’m the victim of childhood abuse and it brought back some bad memories” is really all he needs to know right now. he very likely just wants to understand how to have a good time with you (and what to avoid).
You don’t need to tell him everything.
You can literally just tell him “I have some trauma in my past, and we just stumbled on a trigger I didn’t know I had.”
If you’re not yet comfortable telling him more than that? Don’t. He has shown himself to be perceptive and caring so far, so I doubt he’ll think any less of you, but you only have to tell him what you wish to tell him. Just enough to keep yourself safe.
He will obviously want to know what to avoid in the future. He doesn’t want to hurt you.
He sounds like a nice guy cuz most of them would ghost you but he was there and tried to make you feel better and want to talk and listen to you. So just say it. It’s hard but you will have to tell it once.
You dont need to have an in depth detailed conversation if you arent ready. He seems like a reasonable enough guy. Im sure if you said “I have some past trauma but im not ready yet to unpack that, just know you did nothing wrong but I think I need some time before we try anything like that again.” He might be understanding.
Also if you haven’t already, therapy for yourself.
This happened with an ex. He enjoyed being spanked by men but not by women. We didn’t know this until we played with a female Dom at a play party. He wound up having a panic attack. Unfortunately I don’t think there is much you can do but explain the trigger. BF seems understanding. It would take a lot of therapy for you to ever be into spanking. It might also be what he spanked you with that could be the trigger. What did he use?
You can talk to him about this as it seems that he is a caring guy and that is why he stopped the moment he noticed that you panicked. If you do not want to talk to him about this yet and want some more time to get confidence in him then you can tell him this and I am sure he will not force you to tell you reasons. He seems a good guy so continue dating him and assure him that it was not about him rather there is something in your past that trigged you this way but once you will be ready you will tell him everything.
He honestly sounds very understanding and like he has your best interest at heart. You don’t have to explain anything you’re not ready to explain but seems like he’s willing to hear about it and be supportive. Green flag af.
Also your post doesn’t seem stupid at all, processing how we respond to childhood trauma is a hard thing to wrap your head around.
>it’s kind of early to have the “I’m the victim of severe childhood abuse and neglect that left me with mental scarring” conversation, ya know?
You don’t have to tell him the extent of the abuse or trauma you have if you don’t feel comfortable just yet.
“I guess it triggered some bad memories of being spanked as a child. I didn’t know this would happen.”
You could add – or not – that this made you realise you’ll have to work out what your other triggers are, and that you appreciate the patience and understanding he’s already showing you.
You’ve got this!
You don’t need to go into detail. You can just say “turns out that was quite triggering for me and I don’t feel comfortable trying that again”. Maybe that could lead to a good conversation about boundaries, safe words etc
As other people have said: no need to go into details. A vague “This doesn’t work for me” is enough.
That said, this dude seems like a good person. He immediately noticed that something was wrong, stopped, and even noticed that his instinct to provide comfort wasn’t working.
I agree with what everyone else is saying. You can leave it to one sentence or so without going into too much detail.
He seems like an understanding guy who won’t push you further, and it sounds like he wants to make sure he doesn’t accidentally trigger you again. He seems respectful.
He seems nice, if you don’t wanna trauma dump just say you liked the idea, but when it was happening you felt really uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do.
I think that a simple “I have some trauma from my childhood, that I didnt realize this will bring up, and it triggered a panic attack. I dont want to discuss it more at this point tho. It is not in any way your fault, and you handled it very well.” will work if he is a good guy.
Honestly, let him know what’s happened. He seems like an understanding guy. My partner knows I don’t like to be blindfolded and I told him why. This is a good chance for you and your partner to become closer and talk about it openly