Im an asshole. My boyfriend doesn’t think so. Should I leave him?

Im a 20 (f) and my bf is 24 (m). I’d like to start this with my reasons behind my actions and how I became an asshole. I was adopted at a young age and never have known my real parents and my adopted family were worse then when I was on the streets. My whole entire life my mother and father have over worked me between 5 hours of rigorous dance training after school then left to study and expected to get 100% in every class. And before you say it no it was not to make sure I have a great life it was so they could say I was a brilliant child and keep up their reputation. If I had a 90% I would’ve been beaten. I have been thrown down the stairs for asking a question, thrown outside naked because I took too long of a shower (we lived in the country not to mention in a rich lifestyle). Every action I’ve ever done had a fault I was blamed for even if it was what THEY TOLD ME to do. Not to mention bulling in school that I didn’t mention to my parents till grade 8 when I broke down and cried on the floor because my mother was beginning to take my towel off me. I was never allowed to dress myself or make any decisions for my own life and every single time I have it has only ended with screaming and violence. My mother never loved me she made that clear she never wanted kids it was just expected… And then there was my brother 4 years older then me. He got everything he ever desired and never was wrong. When I was 12 my mother made sure I knew he was the one in the will and not me. My brother is also adopted with no blood relation and had started S/A me since I was 17. During this time I had been put in a private school and only went home on weekends which was heaven to me because at least I got time away. For the first time in years I had slept which was weird because for the longest time I thought I had insomnia. One of my teachers had asked me why I was sleeping in class. And long story short I don’t know why but I ended up telling him about the S/A. I went home on the weekend and under his advise I told my parents. My mother in the same breath had told me it didn’t happen and even if it did it was my fault. The weekend ends my father drops me off and says are you gonna go pick up your stuff or are you staying? And at the time I thought they were asking if I wanted to stay in school. I chose to stay and he told me if I wanted to kill myself I should do it. He drove away. The next day I was at a doctor appointment and and this proves how manipulative and psychotic they are. I come to my room and my brother is there dropping off every belonging. They sent my brother.

That’s is the recap of my life before I met my boyfriend. At the time I met my bf I had gone through a bunch of unfeeling and psychotic men. One of which tied me to the bed like a dog after getting me drunk and had FaceTimed his friend so his friend could watch him finger me. I was entirely certain any good actions were manipulation. When I started dating my bf I was cheating on him. Not because I wanted too but because life has taught me that no isn’t an option for me and I hadn’t known anything else. My bf had found out and the moment I saw the look on his face I could tell this isn’t a manipulation. He is hurt because he actually loves me. But by then I had already cheated so I knew that the likelyhood of him loving me the same way was 1%. I don’t think I’m worthy of love. But I do think he is I ran after him and I know I shouldn’t have but I taught to fix the relationship. And here we are a year later and I love him more then anything in the world. I have never loved before ever. But I don’t want to see him in pain and I know he hasn’t forgotten but he has forgiven. Shouldn’t I let him go for better. Someone better. A year later and I still can’t forgive myself for hurting such a sweet guy and I don’t deserve any of this love. But I had never loved someone before and I couldn’t let it go. But I know he deserves better. I have loved him endlessly since that day but I can’t delete my actions or forgive myself. I love him so much and its real which is why I think I shouldn’t keep him. He deserved more and still does. He knows everything yet he still wants me by his side and I really don’t get it. It’s so illogical it feels like a manipulation but my heart doesn’t believe it is. Am I stupid? Is he keeping me here to use me or get revenge later or is it really because he loves me? He wants me to stay with him I will but I need advice on wether or not he deserves better or it’s a manipulation or if I should trust what we have.

TLDR I’ve been hurt lots of time before him and I can’t tell if him forgiving me for cheating is manipulation or if he just deserves better. Should I stay and love him or should I leave because he deserves better.