Help. Any tips or advice? Or should I live with it and accept that this is the set up. Spoke to her several times and we end up getting into an argument or she gets upset with me for bringing it up.

43 comments

  2. Spend five seconds on this sub and you will find out you are very much not the only married guy with this complaint.

    My wife is great. For our ages we have sex a lot. She initiates once in a while, especially if I’ve recently mentioned how happy that makes me. But it seems as if many women (not all) are just hardwired differently. Especially married women with a lot on their plate.

    We all want our women to fall all over us. That’s cool. But if she is usually a willing and active participant when you initiate and has had fun with you when it’s over, you’re ahead of the game.

  5. Responsive desire seems to be quite common in women. This means she needs an initial push to get the idea on the table, but it doesn’t tend to be there spontaneously.

    Personally, I’d learn to live with it. Most guys I know (especially in that he bracket and with young kids) do all the initiating and still get knocked back most times. If she is responsive you are miles ahead of most of us.

  7. We may have the same wife.

    You should search “Responsive Desire” on this sub or elsewhere, as learning a bit more about that really helped me to be more accepting of the situation. For a long while I thought I was getting pity sex, she never says No and we always have a good time when it comes around… but pretty sure if we missed a few days, weeks, whatever- she’d be fine with that too.

    Hell, from the sound of it- it’s possible you’re Responsive as well, I consider myself in that category, it’s just that 2 Responsives would never have sex if one doesn’t take the initiative and it’s almost always the man. Anyways it’s not so bad once you get past the mental side and accept that she can really enjoy sex in the moment but requires your spark to start a fire.

    Maybe compromise and leave the initiation schedule unchanged but encourage different foreplay roles if that is lacking for you (also common for men)? Or agree to a schedule if that works for each of you.

  8. My wife is the same way, we’ve been married for over 10 years and her biggest move is saying “do you want to join me?” As she walks to the bedroom.

    At times, I really overthink it and just wonder if she’s just never in the mood or is she not all that interested in me. After 10 years though you pretty much realize that she’s just sexually clumsy and awkward so she doesn’t express what she desires.

  9. Back when I was married I felt this was too. It’s exhausting being the one that has to not only get myself going but her as well. Every single time.

  11. If you have the energy and want to learn, you should read “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s pretty much an atlas of women’s sexual arousal and desire patterns. You might be able to piece together an understanding of what gets your wife going, based on your observations and knowing her. It will teach you about things like responsive desire, and how to stimulate sexual excitement while minimized sexual inhibition, and just understand the different ways in which women tick.

    It’s not an easy read if you a sexually frustrated straight man. You may find yourself getting pissed and resentful while reading it. That’s ok, take breaks if you must but try to get through it. You’ll realize how different women are to men on average, and how different you wife is to you – and those differences are never going to change and may have to be worked around and compromized on. These won’t be easy or comfortable things to learn. But well worth it.

  12. How do you want her to initiate?
    What are you missing ?
    How often are you in situations where she feels comfortable to do so ? (Watching a movie e.g.)

    For me I always encountered this in some way or another when you go from honeymoon to ltr. Often this comes from making love to her instead of making her feel loved and cared for. In the worst case you stopped being the man she fell for in the first place.

    My way out of those situations are things like getting behind her, kissing her neck telling her how wonderful she is (as a person) and just return to what I was doing before. This will do way more than grabbing her and telling her how amazing her breasts are. This stage lasts for days at least but often needs weeks to fully show results.

    After she feels cherished and loved you focus on making her cum (multiple times) in bed. Take a back seat, give her oral till your tongue falls off. If she still doesn’t want to repay you physically she might just be broken in that regard. We all are in one way or another.

    Also:history matters, if you had a dead bedroom in the past for example you can’t just expect her to flip a switch and be all horny in a matter of hours.

  13. If foreplay is a chore for you why would you prefer sex over masturbation?

  14. Without knowing the dynamics of your relationship, it is hard to give advice.

  15. Are you bothered by having to simply initiate or are you bothered you “have” to perform foreplay on your wife?

  16. Your not alone and it just isn’t just women it goes both ways that’s forsure and definitely sucks

  18. 🎶 Another day is gone. All of us husbands are still alone. How could this be? We have to initiate our wives to touch our PeePees 🎶

  21. Been 10 years brother. She has initiated a handful of times. 9/10 when I initiate we have sex. So it’s not for lack or desire. She said “ it just more comfortable this way” I find even if I want it some nights I just say Fu k it and go to sleep.

  22. Happens to us ladies too! I do most of the initiating in my marriage. Told him to just use me whenever he wants because I get sick of asking all the time. He does but not as often as I would like. Good luck and hope you get some helpful advice.

  23. That’s how it used to be for me and my wife. I think I initiated about 99% of the time (getting rejected 90% of that), maybe she’d initiate once a year. For the last few years, sex is no longer on the table–I don’t even ask for sex any more, and she doesn’t care! At this point for my sanity, it’s time for me to move on, no matter the situation with kids and finances.

    As for you, I wouldn’t be shocked if sex decreases over time. She probably only has sex because you want it. As for tips, theoretically communication might help, therapy might help, going on dates/spicing things up may do the trick, but of course once again that’ll all be on you (I can’t imagine she’ll initiate). Unless you can get her to see your point of view, realistically she’s never going to treat sex as any sort of priority. My guess is this will be your life (if not worse), unless something drastic happens, though I’m not going to say things can’t change. Still, I’m assuming at 40 you’ve been married quite a while, so she’s probably set in her ways.

    This is probably not what you want to hear, but from my anecdotal experience I don’t think it’s going to get any better.

  26. How do you guy come to marriage with girls like these? Were they not like this b4 ? Didn’t you see sign? Etc

  28. In my way of thinking, if she never, ever initiates, it’s because she doesn’t want it or doesn’t like it.

    There are probably things in her life she frquently initiates, makes plans for, gets excited about ahead of time. I don’t know what they are. Craft fairs? Bridge night? Book club? Whatever they are for her, those are examples of what her interest level looks like.

    If she doesn’t ever, ever have an interest like that for anything sexual, then you may need to shake things up and have a discussion.

  29. In my way of thinking, if she never, ever initiates, it’s because she doesn’t want it or doesn’t like it.

    There are probably things in her life she frquently initiates, makes plans for, gets excited about ahead of time. I don’t know what they are. Craft fairs? Bridge night? Book club? Whatever they are for her, those are examples of what her interest level looks like.

    If she doesn’t ever, ever have an interest like that for anything sexual, then you may need to shake things up and have a discussion.

  30. What are you doing outside the bedroom? Are you an equal partner? Does she carry the bulk of the emotional labor in the relationship?

    These things matter and directly contribute to dead bedrooms.

  31. Get the book Come as You are. Reading it together is best but even if it’s just you may be helpful in approaching and understanding

  32. It’s more common for women to have a lower sex drive, but that’s not always the case. I’m 45 and my wife is 38. She almost always initiates sex. It’s not that I’m not in the mood, but her libedo is high. We have sex like 4 or 5 times per week because I cannot do it more than that (she wants it like once per day). Did you two have kids recently or have little ones? That can be a mood killer for women. Also her hormones could be changing. She may need to see a doctor about it if she is willing. If she had been like that from the get go, then you just have a wife who has a lower sex drive and have to deal with it.

  33. I’ve been the woman in this situation. Personally, I “indicate” by dropping hints to get HIM to initiate. I don’t know how to properly initiate, and being flirty feels sexier to me. If I tried to initiate, I think it would take so much energy and feel so unsexy I wouldn’t even be interested anymore. Men don’t seem to understand that this IS me initiating. Any sex that you think you initiated was most likely my idea lol.

  34. As a dude. My first question is are you attractive to your wife? I don’t mean “connection” wise or “love” I mean if you two didn’t know each other and she saw you on the streets would she want to fuck you? That’s step one.

  36. Woman in the same situation here with the genders reversed. My drive is perhaps slightly lower than my partner’s and as a result he simply waits for me to initiate. It worked well for a long time but I found that eventually I felt like I was being a sex pest. Having to always be the one asking didn’t make me feel wanted, even though he always responded.

    The answer is always communication. That’s what I did. I asked him why he wasn’t initiating ever, we discussed it, and I told him that the situation not being mutual was having a negative impact on my self esteem.

    Since then, I’d say it’s still mostly me driving when we have sex, but he’s gotten better about taking the first step every so often, and it helps a lot.

  37. Whatever you do… don’t stop initiating thinking that she’ll start… you’ll just go a long time without and the resentment will kick in… ask me how I know.

  38. Exact same situation. Hiwever, mkst times it’s “I’m tired, or just go to bed, or I’m not feeling well”, which if those were not the excuses 98% of the time, then I wouldn’t question it.
    IF she initiates, her idea of initiating is verbal so valled hints. It’s really exhausting, so completely get it.

  39. I’m gonna drop an odd ball.

    She doesn’t like you that much anymore. Predictability, blandness, lack of emotional stimulus.

  40. There’s a good chance she feels pressured.

    Doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It’s super common, especially in religious circles where girls are often taught (implicitly) that sex is mainly supposed to be fun for him, not her.

    It’s worth getting curious about. Check out Sheila Gregoire if she had a religious upbringing.

    Bonus question: what drives you to initiate? Is it when you feel close emotionally or for some other reason?

  41. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are desirable… how much effort do you put into staying in shape, grooming, dressing well.

  42. When you get her going, forget about you, keep your dick in your pants and tease the eff out of her. No dyick for her. Put it away. Tell her she don’t deserve it.

    Or you do something every day that she doesn’t like.

  43. Have you considered that she may not feel attractive? I know I don’t initiate because I feel so fucking ugly I don’t even want to have sex with myself.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like