Hey r/datingoverthirty,
It has been about a year since my Divorce was finalized ( 2 from our initial separation), and I have dated \~10 men throughout that period.
Something I began to change in the New Year was to no longer indulge in dating people who hadn’t already expressed a vested interest in me, which led to me inviting suitors over to have sex, first, to really test the waters for any deeper layers of chemistry.
As unconventional as it sounds, I’ve learned so much about the people I’ve been interested in by how we’ve had sex, and this has given me a much better read on their integrity, interest and desires, including whether or not they want to stick around.
And frankly, even with those that preferred something casual—when I/we did eventually end things—it was no great loss because we were clearly didn’t have longer-term potential.
This has led me to the person I am currently getting to know, and it has been a really affirming, pleasant and easygoing time. 🙂
So, in short:
A.) How do you feel about utilizing sexual intimacy as a tool to connect with potential partners?
B.) Has more casual dating worked better/worse for you? What have you done instead?
I’d love to read your replies!
28 comments
If the first thing someone invited to do was to have sex I probably wouldn’t be interested in that person. Not out of a shame kind of way but I don’t enjoy sex unless there’s some level of emotional intimacy already established. I just end up getting bored and losing interest.
I feel like it’s a great idea, but impossible to implement.
Casual dating has worked out terribly for me. I’ve gone to the gym instead.
I don’t think this strategy is unconventional. Sexual compatibility is extremely important to me. I’d never agree to be exclusive or enter into a relationship unless we’ve firmly established sexual compatibility already.
I’ve had my judgement clouded by incredible sex before, once or twice. Now that I’ve thought about it, actually three times. So I’ve decided to go the traditional route.
I don’t know what “sex first” or “casual” dating means. And I assume those definitions will vary from person to person.
I’m pretty sex positive and I think compatibility in intimacy is important. When I was dating for a relationship I certainly wasn’t against moving quickly, but I wouldn’t say I ever thought of it as a mentality necessarily, or some more evolved form of dating.
I won’t say my expectation is that you’ll receive “more serious” prospects simply by proposing sex early, although you might receive more urgently invested ones.
I’d be turned off by this approach. I prefer to have a mental connection to someone before I have sex with them.
Casual sex makes me uninterested in the other person as a partner.
This isn’t revolutionary or anything. People have had casual sex and one night stands forever. Our current dating culture encourages this and it’s incredibly easy to do on dating apps. especially as a woman. Although I’ve had plenty of casual experiences myself, I personally find that I prefer people who I’ve built up a mutual chemistry and respect for. Someone I can trust. Because sex is a big deal and can have huge consequences, I don’t take it as lightly. I need someone that has my best interest at heart to allow them into my bed. I also find that after having sex with someone several times, I start to bond and form an attachment.
I’ve (33f) been casual dating for the last few months and it is being an interesting experience. Observing the different ways people have and give pleasure opened my mind, It made me discover more about my body and things I like in sex.
If following that approach works for you, that’s fine.
But I don’t think you can actually put too much stock into evaluating someone’s entire character based on the *way they have sex*. In fact, I don’t even necessarily think it sheds any light on their overall character at all. 🤷🏻‍♂️
For me I can’t even get sexually turned on unless I have some kind of great emotional connection with a person, and that takes much longer than a first date to develop.
While I’d say that you can do what you want, you may be unintentionally filtering out people like me. There could be someone out there who is a perfect match for you in the long term but you are basing you decisions on short term things.
But like I said, you do what you want. Everyone is different and this seems to work best for me.
I have virtually zero sexual desire for people I don’t have an emotional connection with. I’m envious of people who can connect sexually right away! I’m glad you’ve learned a lot about people and it has worked for you.
I’ve casually dated (without the secks) while looking for something more serious/long term. It seems like people are less interested in dating and more interested in hooking up tbh.
if you enjoy it, fine, but I don’t see how a man’s willingness to have sex has anything to do with his sincere interest in a woman.
do people simply date others who are just slightly attractive to or interested in them?
In general, the older I get, the more “down to business” I’ve been. As a teenager I would want to go on a few dates and would think about if you were really “the one” before going in for a kiss. In my late 30s, I have no problems having sex with someone within 15 minutes of meeting them and then leaving if it didn’t meet my expectations. Harsh reality.
I rarely left sex for long, anywhere from 1st meeting to 4th date. I wouldn’t start out aiming to have sex right away, but I also wasn’t against it if I was feeling it.
I did eventually have less sex upfront due to an STI scare, but I don’t regret my past experiences and I don’t think I’d approach all that differently if I were to become single.
I do find how men responded when I didn’t have sex or did not go with whatever suggestion (not such an issue with women and NB folks) was much more telling.
My current partner of 3 years and I had sex on the second date. My last long term partner and I met first as a one night stand, then a few other random night stands, then eventually dating for a few years.
I’ve casually dated for 8 years after my divorce. It was fun and nice.
I am just now getting serious with some one almost 9 years after divorce.
Have fun.
Casual sex is great, but I’m not looking for a fuck buddy when I’m trying to date. If someone said “sex first” to me, I’d assume they were and that’d be the end of that.
I have always preferred getting to know a women first…. contrary to most guys I knew growing up. In my teens and twenties the flesh was more than willing but mentally I just always enjoyed knowing whom I was with first before feeling romantic. Naturally there were ONS and a few short lived relationships. By 23 I had been talking with and eventually sharing a house with my now wife but that process from day 1 to intercourse , took about 6 weeks and married 2 years later. Living with someone makes getting to know them fairly quick. After that I guess I was hooked. That “discovery” has lasted over 48 years and still going strong. I find it hard to understand the “hook-up” mentality today knowing the wild swings of emotion and development of respect for anyone and whether there could be any longer term potentials for couples in their 20’s. By age thirty not so much
As far as I’m concerned this is the best way to go about it. In addition to what you said about it afterglow makes it a lot easier to open up to each other, at least for me it does.
I’m realizing that although I want a relationship, the possibility of one really freaks me out. But sex doesn’t. I find it easier to be a bit emotionally vulnerable with men I’ve had sex with. And like you said in the OP, you learn a lot about them.
Sex makes me like the person more than I actually do. Gotta keep it off the table for a while so I can stay logical.
Any type of intimacy is a powerful tool for building bonds with people. Sexual intimacy is a bit more taboo because it involves a lot of risks, many with long term consequences.
My experience with casual dating/sex has been short. I am not against the culture but almost everyone disappears when I ask “if they have been tested since their last interaction and is there anything I should know?” The few that stuck around quickly change their tone after the first sexual encounter and tell me either date/be exclusive with them or leave and never contact them again. They all say the same thing when I ask them for their reason. “You are not the type of man to mess around with. I can’t do the casual thing with someone like you.” I ended up dating them all after that because I don’t feel like giving some my time exclusively is a waste. I learn, grow, and have some great times even when it doesn’t work out.
I would say that, coming out of a marriage that left most things sexually related to be desired, I have to at least know what a potential partner enjoys and is willing to explore when it comes to sex.
Does that necessarily mean we have to have sex before I commit? No.
A) I think that’s pretty much pointless. I believe that boinking is something you can practice and that there is no point in mystifying it with undefined stuff like “chemistry” or whatever. You can for sure improve over time if your partner is willing and is a nice person. I think boinking first is a terrible way to assess someone’s compatibility with you. At least for me.
B) First, it’s not like people are lining up to date me so I don’t really do “casual dating” but I get frustrated even in social gatherings if I don’t feel like I’m going towards a longer term connection so it really isn’t for me.
Anyway, these are my opinions, you do you.
I typically had sex first but honestly we already likely knew we would date by that point and if it was a first date it was the first meeting but we had serious talks before that.
The lengths people will go to jump straight in the sack. It’s not a way to determine character.
When you’re a young person, the question is “how long are you in a relationship before we have sex”;
When you’re an older person, the question is “how long do we have sex before we’re in a relationship”.