Me (F33) and my boyfriend (M35) bought his parents house at a discount. Part of his family was mad that they gave us the offer and not them. The other half of the family are still treating it like their parents house.
For example, his younger brother randomly let himself in at 2 AM after partying and then stayed in his room for a few days. His younger sister will also do the same. Whenever she visits she usually doesn’t announce it and just lets herself in and stays in her old room.
A lot of everyone’s stuff is still in their rooms since we really haven’t had time to start the remodeling. I spoke with my boyfriend about us needing to clear the rooms and he agreed and let his siblings know they had to start removing their items. They were very mad, specifically his older sister and said “what’s the point of keeping the house in the family, if we can’t keep our stuff” and everyone agreed with her. That was a couple weeks ago and nothing has changed.
TL;DR I really don’t want to start anything since because I am so happy to have a house now and I really enjoy them coming over for the most part but the house doesn’t feel like ours.
37 comments
Op? This is not your issue/problem. This issue/problem is your boyfriends issue/problem.
Tell him.
Give them a one month deadline. Text it to them so you have it in writing. And then get rid of everything they don’t claim.
The house didn’t stay in the family so they can keep their stuff there. They are simply wrong and you do not have to entertain their incorrect assumptions. This is how it is going to be.
Not to be dramatic but this is literally part of the reason my parents split up. My mum wanted the whole family over at the family home and my dad couldn’t stand the fact that he had no privacy and people just helped themselves to his stuff.
I think the best thing to do is speak with your boyfriend. You both have to be on the exact same page about how often people can visit, how long of a notice they need to give and how much storage (if any) any of them are allowed.
Frankly I’d start by changing the locks so no one can come in with keys they already have.
They’ll them to come get their stuff a few more times and if all else fails give them some sort of ultimatum like “anything you haven’t already take. Is getting donated to charity” but again the most important thing if you and your boyfriend have to agree on this, it doesn’t work if you want these things and he’s just allowing it behind your back or something
Best of luck
Not trying to rub it in but this is exactly why I refused to buy our family home until most had moved far away or died. It was the first house in the family and everyone who immigrated or was born lived in that house at some point. Therefore, everyone felt entitled to it. My uncles bought houses and had normal rules, our house never had a locked door. My grandparents moved in with an uncle but insisted on keeping their room at my house (which was very needed, my brother slept on a couch for 15 years).
Boundaries are needed here and your since it’s your boyfriend’s family he needs to announce and enforce them. I’ll be honest, everyone is going to hate you for them and it’s going to be super painful and difficult. I would not be surprised if you end up with family feuds.
I hope you guys got a great deal on the house because this is the added tax of buying from family. Best of luck!
>For example, his younger brother randomly let himself in at 2 AM after partying
And haven’t changed the locks because?
YOU own this house too, now. Sit down with your boyfriend and come up with a strategy then you have to back each other up.
Change the locks. It’s not the family house anymore.
How far are you two ready to go in order to have a home you can call your own without others claiming it as their territory? Because there are ways, for sure, to set firm boundaries and keep your peace, but you gotta know if this is the hill you’re prepared to die on.
Change the locks they will get the idea real quick.
Personally, I’d be spending a weekend where I load each adult sibling’s stuff from their room up into the back of a hired truck and take it to them. Dump it on their front lawn if you have to but I’d also change the locks first. I’m quite sure one has told them they can’t have ‘their stuff’ but they sound super entitled. They need to know the access to YOUR home stops now.
Change the locks and start boxing the siblings rooms up and start treating it like your property.
How much of a discount to market value did your BF get the home at? Was the house offered to other family at ALL/ did they have an opportunity to ‘bid’ on it in any way?
And did the other siblings get something of similar value to you guys essentially being gifted whatever the difference in market price/purchase price was?
Asking all this because if your parents essentially just gifted your BF/you equity in the home due to the discount, and the other siblings not only got nothing, but now also all of a sudden lose use of the family home that they have been used to, I can see how that would be… upsetting.
You own the home now in any case and can 100% do whatever you wish, but this sounds like a recipe for creating family resentment.
Can you guys sell the house and buy a new one?
Talk to your boyfriend and ensure you’re on the same page.
Give his family members 30 days to collect their things. Tell them they’re always welcome and you look forward to seeing them often.
Change the locks.
Start remodeling, painting, making it yours. If the siblings are amenable, make them part of the process.
Expect a bit of a rocky transition as everyone recognizes this house as their childhood home being brought into a new era.
Good luck!!
NEW LOCKS
NEW CAMERAS
Give them 24 hours to pick their stuff or they will be dropped off at good will.
BOUNDARIES OP BOUNDARIES!!!
Change the God damn locks.
Why do you not know what to do about people disrespecting your home?
Would you allow a friend to behave this way?
So you tell them:
“We are remodeling the house. If your things aren’t out in a week, they will be outside on the curb.”
This is your house now. You guys paid for it to be yours. This is not everyone’s home anymore. If you keep waiting silently for them to grab their stuff, you’re never going to have this space as yours.
Change the locks, too. They are not respecting that it’s your home now.
First, change the locks, then set a deadline to have belongings removed. Be firm on the deadline and only allow them access to the home when it’s convenient for you and your boyfriend. Make sure you’re both there while the siblings remove their belongings. Set a deadline for when the belongings must be removed, and be clear that anything left after the deadline will be donated, sold, or disposed of; absolutely nothing they neglect to remove will be kept in the home under any circumstances.
In time, when you have had a chance to repair trust with the siblings and set boundaries, you and your boyfriend can open up the possibility of spare keys.
Clear out their rooms and put the stuff into storage, like attic or basement. It’s time to remodel and these are “their” rooms anymore, it’s about to be an office or a guest bedroom or art room or whatever you wish! That’s a normal thing that happens when a kid moves out of their family home anyway.
For sure, change all the locks, for the reason that you’re “upgrading security” to the house. If they ask for a key, tell them that it’s not necessary because they already have a key to their own houses.
Tell them that you have painters, or new flooring installers (or other trades) coming in a month & you’ll need their stuff cleared by then.
Be matter of fact with your communication style & don’t allow yourselves to be drawn into any argumentative type interactions.
Change the locks? I thought everyone did this when buying a new property…
Okay, “their” rooms are not “their” rooms! They can’t just decide to visit them.
The stuff gets claimed by X date or it goes in the trash. You CHANGE THE LOCKS. They do not have the privilege of having keys anymore. Even if your family gets a key, that would presumably not be the case if they were abusing that. It’s not a different standard, his family is just not respecting boundaries.
Let them be mad and throw tantrums. Them being mad doesn’t mean they are in the right. They are adults and you do not have to cater to their selfish whims. “Everyone agreed”…does your partner? That’s the only thing that matters. Everyone else’s opinions on this are totally irrelevant!
And if your boyfriend doesn’t agree with you…this will not end well for your relationship.
Older sibling really needs to be put in her place – it was never HER house, it was her parents’ place that they allowed her to keep a room and stuff at. It’s now YOUR house and she needs to respect it as such, as do the other two siblings.
Why was this never discussed prior to the sale happening or you guys moving? I’m assuming the parents are still in the picture – do they need to step in or are they taking the siblings’ side? This just reeks of horrible communication on multiple levels, and it seems like your boyfriend is just letting them walk all over both of you.
OMG they still have their bedrooms. No, this isn’t it.
You and bf need to negotiate a big deadline on that and get the word out. Then you can invite everyone to participate in the labor day weekend garage sale and they can profit hopefully. Then schedule a dump run Monday.
You need to change the locks immediately and get a doorbell camera
People are psychotic.
Make the rules clear yes!
Have them get their stuff yes!
BOX UP THEIR STUFF AND GIVE THEM 24 HOURS OR DONATE IT. BRUH WHAT?!
Imagine sleeping in the room your parents used to fuck in
Change the locks? You’re making this too hard. Change the locks and then give everyone a date where they come get their things before everything is tossed.
Are you on the title or is it only BF?
50% is a huge discount, did you get an appraisal? Was there a mortgage loan involved?
You need to make things very clear. If for some reason and after the updates and market changes the house appreciates a ton the BF siblings might feel entitled to the benefits.
We have a sign by our front door, which isn’t really a joke:
“Friends welcome, relatives by appointment.”
Set a deadline.
Put everything left after that in storage, let them know where it is.
Redecorate as quickly as you can.
Change the locks. Give everyone you want to have access a key, including, if you wish, his siblings. Be clear you are giving them a key to your home, not their family home.
Set boundaries.
If they still want to use it like their home they should have all thought about that before and arranged to split the share of buying the house. They didn’t so they have no right to use and abuse your home just because it used to be theirs.
Change the locks. They can still come over to visit… when you are home and awake and choose to invite them in. They don’t all need keys for that.
And give them a deadline to come pick up their stuff. At a time when you will be home and available to let them in.
Change the locks- if you’re paying the bills then you have a right to YOUR house. Not everybody gets a key, it isn’t a public space like the library where people can just come and go.
They’re taking advantage and honestly acting entitled.
Give them a deadline to move their stuff out or it’s garbage. That’s what you would do if you bought any other house. Don’t let them walk all over you and your spouse. They are doing it because you are allowing it.
1. Change the locks.
2. Rent a storage facility for 6 months. Hire someone to move the stuff to it.
3. Tell them when the lease runs out, they can either get their stuff or keep paying.
Change the locks, and put a “welcome to Bob and Kerens house” sign or mat by the front door. Let everyone know there is going to be a yard sale next month. Give them a chance to clear their shit out. You don’t mention if his parents are still alive. If they are you want to get them on your side. Time for some discussions with the entire family. Since none of them could afford to buy it. It is now YOUR house. The way each family member acts will determine whether or not they are welcome in your home.
You need to change the locks. Your BF should tell everyone he didn’t buy the house for their convenience so get over it and accept reality.
Maybe someday they can have keys again, but not at this time. Also, when you start making changes I wouldn’t tell his family ahead of time. They can see the results. Changing “the family home” will likely go over as well as a box of rocks.