So I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with this girl since 2021. Everything’s fine except sex. Yeah Ik you can’t have sex from a distance but we’ve started to talk about it a lot these days. But I hate it cuz it makes me feel like she doesn’t desire me. It seems like she only wanna do stuff centered on herself and never talks about anything she wants to do to me. She says she desires having sex with me but you know there’s a difference between desiring to have sex with a person and desiring the person itself. I guess whatever I’m saying is a too vague to be understood. So being specific, she often says “Kiss me all over my body when…”, “I want you inside me”, “I want you to undress me and…” etc. Ok, like I too wanna do all that but what’s the stuff YOU want to do with me? It’s like being so passive that you forget that your boyfriend has a frikin body and some physical existence. Now, don’t tell me to ‘communicate’ cuz communication is the thing which has made me realise this fact. Again being specific, whenever I ask her “What things you wanna do with me?”, it seems like she feels awkward or uncomfortable and goes silent or tries to change the topic passively. She only answers properly when I insist not to change the topic. But I don’t want a situation where you have to even slightly force or tell your girlfriend to express her desires towards you cuz then whatever she’s going to express would be unauthentic and of no value. Sometimes I try to discuss with her about this but she seems to get annoyed and says “Why r u trying to start an argument?” “I’m not in a mood to argue” “I’m sleepy” “My mind isn’t working rn” “Idk, dont ask me”. Yesterday, she seemed to be extra-annoyed and said “Look, you can’t change the preference of someone. I’m gonna decide what I like and when I like it, not you”. I mean okay… I’m gonna sit down and feel like shit… Perhaps she just finds me unattractive idk… Or maybe its just a societal norm which views women as desirable and men as the people who desire the desirable. You can’t even feel desired in a relationship as a guy in a proper way. I hate this
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Sounds like you hate being in a long distance, sexless relationship more than being a man. But anyway I used to have phone sex with a guy I really, really liked and always felt so uncomfortable to reciprocate or say the things I wanted to do to him. I just felt embarrassed and super shy. And I liked him, like really liked him. I would have loved to have sex with him but some people just freeze up during sexting or phone sex bc they feel awkward. And I love sex and usually feel comfortable talking about it in person and trying different things but it was something about being on the phone, I felt silly saying the things I wanted to do to him, sadly.
I used to be in a long distance relationship with a guy I really liked, but was always too shy to tell him what I’d like to do to him. On the contrary I was comfortable telling him what I want him to do to me.
Could be the case for your girl too.
Sounds like she’s a typical submissive girl that wants you use her rather than her use you. Doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. But I could be wrong.
She’s not a mind-reader, if this seriously bothers you, have an honest talk about it
As for long distance relationships I tried and wouldn’t recommend that to anybody. Even people who I know that are doing prison time say that the long distance relationships only work if the person actually can hold a conversation or write a letter which is not often.
There are two possibilities here. Either you’re right that she doesn’t desire you, or, possibly, she entirely lacks confidence in her ability to be active and pleasure you.
When I gave my first bj, I was forced into it at 14 years old and told I was shit at it. I like giving them now but had to put a lot of effort into learning how to do it because it is *not* necessarily an intuitive skill and enthusiasm alone has never helped me not scrape someone with my teeth.
Similarly, giving a handjob is not necessarily intuitive to someone who has never done it before. When I gave my first hj I was extremely pleased and relieved that he took my hand, put it on him, and guided me with his own hand so I got the pressure and speed right. I really and truly wanted to touch him but had absolutely no idea what I was doing and was paralysed by uncertainty.
So it might be a skill/confidence issue. If it is, it can get better if she’s willing to work on it and you’re willing to be a gentle and constructive guide. But it takes two and if she’s not down you need to find someone who is.
If your just as insistent and demanding of her in the same way you demand answers in a certain way here theres a reason she has no desire. Stop hate being a guy and hate the attitude you think makes you powerful because it doesnt
Is she the only one expressing what she would like you to do to her and you DON’T express your desire what you wish her to do to you? I really really love when a man expresses these things in a desirous voice and it awakens the desire in me to do those things. It’s vulnerable and sexy. But I rarely have these ideas myself, and I somehow want to blame gender stereotypes for this but I don’t exactly know why…
But, if it’s not your type of style of showing desire and you need that, it’s important that you figure out a plan so you can become happy again. Even if that means leaving the relationship. The resentment will only make things even more difficult.