I [F42] met a man online [M35] and we matched about a week ago. We have had two dates that were fabulous. The second date we went to several different places and I could tell he liked me. We ended the date with me going to his house and we had sex twice. I slept overnight and left in the morning. No cuddling, no morning greeting besides asking me how I slept. I felt awkward.
Before leaving he did say I hope you had a good time last night and before I could answer he said he would like to see me again for another date and spoke about possible times with our schedules. I told him I did have a good time and that I would want to see him again. I asked him if he had a good time and he said yes. He hugged and kissed me goodbye, walked me to the door and hugged and kissed me again.
He sent a text to make sure I got in my Uber and when I got home I sent him a text to let him know. He responded and said he was in an appointment but would chat later. I didn’t send anything after that. In the afternoon I did send him a science article I thought he may like to read. He never responded and I haven’t heard back from him. In the beginning of meeting him online he was very chatty via text and flirty. He knows that I am looking for a committed relationship and he said he was as well. Over time leading up to our dates he text less and less. He has a very demanding and busy job so I know that is why. He never let a day go by without saying at least a few things. In person he’s super present and attentive. I am disappointed however that I didn’t hear from him again yesterday after he said chat later. I feel that after sex, expecting some sort of reassurance is natural. I mean we did speak in person and we agreed we had a good time and wanted to see each other again. My question is, is that enough? Why do I feel like I need and want a little more? I keep telling myself that it’s enough. That he’s busy. That he made tentative plans with me. I just can’t shake feeling a little hurt and awkward. I am am firm believer that if he if wanted to, he would.
TL;DR what type of communication should be expected after a week of chatting, two amazing dates and sex?
8 comments
It could be normal or could it be that he has someone? Idk. Don’t get too invested. Keep it going and you will find out which it is.
He went from replying every day, to telling you he’d reply after a meeting then leaving it days?
You don’t want advice, you just want us to repeat what you said so you can hear it don’t you.
You haven’t known him long enough to know what he is normally like. He could have matched with you when work was slower than normal, and it’s ramping up.
He could also be a bit awkward and unsure of how to proceed. Maybe he’s insecure and worried you weren’t satisfied.
From the way you described the next morning, I’d say he did offer that reassurance that you expect.
It’s also entirely possible he’s lost interest, but doesn’t have the balls to tell you. That’s just one of many possible reasons though, and I don’t think it’s any more likely than the rest since you barely know the guy.
Don’t bring this up with him, though. If he’s just busy, you have a good chance of scaring him off if you do.
As it was two dates he might not think that meets the threshold of contacting you to tell you he doesn’t want to see you again.
Clearly for you having sex only happens when you consider someone a long term prospect.
I’ve been there too, many times, trying to puzzle out why / what/ how but you’ll drive yourself mad if you do this.
If he is “too busy with work” or has such little respect for you to contact you then he isn’t worth your time. Forget him.
Acknowledge to yourself how painful this is for you right now and channel that energy into being more protective of your romantic life. The next guy you meet make it clear (with what you do) that you are looking for a long term connection. Go on several dates to get to know them before spending the night. In those conversations you will get to know about his dating style, plans for the future etc etc and figure out your compatibility in the long term.
Good luck – the pain will fade and you will meet someone great.
I’m sorry. I know you’re into him, and you felt connected to him. But if someone is really into you, they will always respond to you. They will contact you. You will be on their mind all the time and they will communicate. They won’t want to run the risk of you wandering off and them losing you.
Storytime: I went out with a guy once and I thought it went well. He wanted to take me to dinner, but wanted me to meet him at his place on date 2. I had a sneaking suspicion that going out to dinner was not on his agenda (2nd date meet at his place instead at a restaurant? Hello, McFly!). Date #1 got rather physically “warm”, shall we say, so I thought I’d tap the brakes a bit. Told him via text that while I didn’t want to assume he was planning anything (ha!), my monthly guest had arrived so I may need to end the evening early. He suddenly said he was running late from what he had been doing, traffic was brutal and he would text me when he was closer. That was 6 or 7 years ago. I still haven’t heard from him.
This guy told you exactly what you wanted to hear, long enough to get what he wanted from you. Learn from this. Guys do this because we let them. They treat women as disposable and replaceable because we accept it as “normal”. When you don’t just give in, they will either disappear (maybe calling you some choice names on the way out), or they are willing to put in the work to have a serious relationship.
TLDR: He’s just not that into you. I’m sorry.
Message him asking how he is and try and start a conversation on meeting up for another date. See how he is then. Don’t overthink things, that’s the downward spiral you don’t want to get caught in. It’s ok to double message. It’s ok to show You’re eager.
Does this sound like working toward a committed relationship to you?
You’ve known this guy one week. Lots of texting, two dates plus sex is a lot in one week. You might be happier taking this more slowly and getting to know someone a bit better so you know what his actual communication style is. This all feels a bit intense and I’m wondering if he thinks so, too. And you’re pretty stressed over someone you don’t even know.
It’s ok to want more, but it’s ok for the other person to feel pressured and not be interested. You can’t control his feelings and behavior.
I know people throw around therapy like it’s so easy, but I’m just wondering, at 42 it seems like you should have a little bit more confidence in yourself and what you want. Maybe chill on dating for a bit and invest that time to figure out what you really want and need.