girlfriend (24f) outed me (m28) to her best friend(24f)….how to rebuild trust?

45 comments

1. She shouldn’t talk about your private life without asking you first if you mind. Eventhough we’re in 2023 It not up to her to tell you how you should feel. This is a big lack of respect for you.
   Change therapist if you don’t feel comfortable. He/she should be able to advise on both side.

2. I’m into the same things you are and its totally disrespectful and trust breaking. I told a longtime friend and coworker about it because I thought I could trust her. I was wrong and she told other coworkers from that day forward I stopped covering for her and when she got fired she was upset that I didn’t stick up for her so I told her why I didn’t hopefully she learned something

3. >girls tell their best friends everything

   No they don’t. There is no way I speak to anyone about my private, intimate sexual experiences.

   >She says its 2023 and it’s not a big deal.

   Just because it is 2023 doesn’t mean she has the right to divulge private, intimate information about you.

   Trust is important in any relationship. I can’t off any advice other than validating that it is OK to feel the way you do after this indiscretion. Personally I would find it very difficult to move on from because I would never feel that anything we shared would remain between the two of us.

   Good luck, I hope you are OK.

4. I wouldn’t stay, she broke your trust

5. It is a complete breach of trust.

   The fact that her response was “get over it it is 2023 it isn’t a big deal” shows you that she doesn’t actually care about you.

   So end the relationship. Tell her that she showed you that she is a sorry excuse for a human being, and that you deserve better.

6. She broke your trust shared vulnerable information about you without your permission, but the biggest problem is her reaction to the whole thing it’s so manipulative you have every right to be upset. Would be a deal breaker for me

7. no, F that. she gaslighted you HARD, and your therapist is horrible for not understanding your point of view. what you two did was very private and intimate. how did she thinks it was okay to spread that around and tell you to your face that your feeling does not matter. i would be so pissed if this happen to me, enough to break up with her over the breach of trust. seriously, the worse part was her telling you to get over it as if she doesn’t care at all. why would i want to be with a GF who doesn’t care?

   oh, i wouldn’t pay another dime to that therapist.

8. You should not discuss your intimate life without your partners consent, I never talked to my friends about anything specific, it’s not their business and I wouldn’t like my SO talking to their friends about it, because I value my privacy and the intimate aspect that’s it’s between us.

   I wouldn’t be able to say anything to her or do anything with her anymore without thinking she is gonna go on and tell her friend. I think your partner should be the person that you should be able to say almost anything to and be vulnerable with without having to worry about them fucking off and telling anybody.

   First of all you shouldn’t be rebuilding trust, she should.

   Honestly her reaction might be worse than the actions themselves, she just sucks big time imo. I don’t see why you should ever trust her or stay, because the reaction to it would have been a relationship killer to me.

   You also need a new therapist clearly if you plan to try to work it out

   ​

   ***for a long time she begged me to be more open and share my feelings with her. It took some time, and now when i do they get completely disregarded. it is strange feeling.***

   Tip for the future the girls that beg for you to be more open and share are usually the ones that don’t handle it well or dismiss your feelings. The ones that you can share with are the ones that are patient, understanding and wait for you to open up and not being pushy about it.

9. Your therapist sucks if they actually suggested it is okay for your girlfriend to divulge sensitive private information of yours without your permission.

   Separately from it being unacceptable from a trust standpoint, “it’s 2023” and it’s still not always safe to tell people that type of information about your sexuality. Sure, maybe telling her friend is “safe”…who is her friend going to tell? You don’t know. Sure, nothing will probably happen, but it’s just another thing that makes this worse.

10. If you really care about your privacy which you should be and have every right to be, make sure do not go on her bad side and if the situation lead to breaking up, leave in good terms, there could be chance she might invade your privacy further and disclose information publicly or to others, be smart and control the situation the best you can do

11. Tell your gf that It’s 2023 and people shouldn’t be outing each other/ discussing what happens in the bedroom without their partners consent.

    What she did was unacceptable and not something many people would be able to bounce back from. How can you trust that she won’t tell people other things about your sex life that might lead to you being looked down upon even if they’re normal things just about everyone does these days? Furthermore, how can you be sure that she won’t start lying about things revolving around your bisexuality so that she can appease her friends nosiness?

    You can’t. Therefore, you need to consider whether or not another chance is truly doable.

12. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. What your gf did and her current actions, are completely unacceptable.

    Do not let her gaslight you into thinking you’re the bad guy.
    I would really have to re-examine the entire relationship if she is so unwilling to accept her mistake.
    I’m really sorry. I have no idea how she could honestly think she is in the right.

13. The fact that she’s defiantly unapologetic probably means that you can’t ever rebuild trust. For that to happen, she needs to accept that what she did was wrong, and genuinely want to improve. I don’t get the feeling she does either of those things.

14. I really get where you’re coming from and I’m not excusing her behavior/not even sure this makes it any better for you… I’m just wondering if you think this came from a place of being excited about her own experiences and talking from that side of things? I guess it would still be shitty but IMO I might see it differently if it was “wow, we’ve been having the best time and getting super close and here has been my experience…” vs. “oh my gosh, this person is into this!”

15. >But after a day or two she told me to get over it, girls tell their best friends everything.

    This is so common and I hate it.
    I hate when my friends tell me details of their sexlives. Yes, many women do that and I think it’s awful and disrespectful towards their partners. I have never felt the urge to tell my friends how my bf and me fuck.

    You have every right to be upset about her behavior. Your kinks are non of her friends business.

    And I’m sorry but she does not sound like she’s going to stop.

16. > She says its 2023 and it’s not a big deal.

    I *hate* when people try to justify their behavior by telling you what year it is. B*tch, you broke my trust, I don’t care if it’s 1923, 2023 or 2123!

17. I’m a gay man and I don’t even tell my friends specifics like this. We talk about sex, sure. But not bedroom specifics unless our partners are there and are part of the conversations. Even then, very rarely do we go into any kind of detail.

    This was def a huge betrayal of trust because it deals with your sexuality and she outed you to someone without your consent. She doesn’t respect you as an equal partner.

18. You being a guy doesn’t make it ok. If it was you talking about her kinks she would be furious. „But it’s different with men” lol No it’s not.

19. I don’t think you need to understand her POV!

    Her behaviour was childish and not worthy of a relationship. You exchanged sexual information in an intimate and trusting atmosphere and she immediately gossiped about it to her best friend.

    I think that kind of behaviour breaks trust immensely. Also, I find it quite childish to share every detail with another person in a way that is relatively sensational and was not involved in these sexual activities.

    I don’t think she respects your privacy and your relationship to the ridge it should be. Maybe she is still at a different level the age that you can live out such a big hurdle maturely, trustingly, sexually fulfilling, and with the fullest of good intentions towards your partner.

    For me, it would definitely be a reason to end the relationship, because the foundation would be very badly shaken for me.

20. Nah man she definitely betrayed your trust.

    It doesn’t matter that it’s 2023, it’s YOUR story to tell, to whom and when you decide you want to

    That aside, certain bedroom details aren’t meant to be shared. It’s one thing to say “we had amazing sex last night” to a friend but to give a play by play is soemthing else entirely.

21. She betrayed you, and she’s trying to shame you for being upset about it. Up to you of course, but I’d kick her to the curb.

22. She should express care and concern for your experience. Her indignation about your feelings is the relationship killer.

23. Tell her since she spilled all your private info that you told your best friend everything she likes in bed(don’t actually) and see how she reacts. Maybe that’ll help her see how messed up this is

24. Is this relationship worth saving? She violated your trust. You call her your girlfriend. You’re going to therapy. This relationship implies more than just fwb but a level of intimacy. You aren’t wrong for expecting privacy. Especially in adventurous bedroom activities.

    When she says is 2023, what she’s really telling you is tough luck. I’m going to do what I want and I don’t care how you feel about it. MY feelings are the ones that matter.

    Your therapist sucks, your distrust is valid, and your girlfriend is untrustworthy. I’m only being a little facetious, but have you ever seen that YouTube crazy/hot video? My friend, you are in the danger zone.

25. She shouldn’t have,you need to talk to her and state firmly that you don’t want every single detail leaving your bedroom.

26. You have a shit therapist. I am sorry your GF is such an amoral beotch.

27. “Girls tell their best friend everything” is just an excuse to act childish. Betraying a confidence is inexcusable. In your shoes I would dump her ass hard and leave no doubt as to why. Personally, I don’t trust easy so that couldn’t be rebuilt. That said, being bi isn’t really as taboo as it once was so the friend isn’t likely judging you too harshly. I just see any betrayal of trust as infidelity. Maybe not of a sexual nature but she basically wiped her ass with your trust and your relationship as a whole.

28. Yeah, we all tell our best friends things about our lives including details about our sex lives. However, it’s important to respect your partner’s privacy and boundaries and make sure they’re comfortable with you discussing your sex life and to what extent. If your partner isn’t comfortable with details being shared, don’t share details. She should have known, given the fact that she is the only person you’ve opened up to about your sexuality, that you wouldn’t be comfortable with her outing you to her friend. Even if that friend never tells anyone, you didn’t consent to being outed to that person. It absolutely is a betrayal of trust and she needs to see that and take accountability for it. Cool, it may not be a big deal to her and her friend, but it is to you and that’s what matters.

    I think it’s going to be hard to rebuild the trust until she takes that accountability and sees why what she did was wrong. Maybe open up the conversation and explain, clearly as you can, why it has hurt you and why it was wrong. Set boundaries on what you are comfortable with being shared, let her do the same.

    I’m sorry that this happened to you.

29. It’s not her place to tell anyone about your sexual orientation or preferences or anything really. It’s a breath of trust.
    The way you need to put it to her is by asking her how she would feel if you had told your best friend about something she was really self conscious about because the reaction won’t be a positive one.

    People seem to have selective outrage about things.

    Personally if it was me I’d see it as the opportunity to end the relationship until she’s ready to fully apologise and accept that what she did was a complete breach of trust and shouldn’t have been done

30. To put it bluntly your girlfriend is a piece of garbage and so is the therapist.

31. Your therapist should be bias and sounds unprofessional

32. The “get over it” would be a deal breaker for me.

33. Nope. Shes immature and untrustworthy and has got to go.

    And frankly, in my 30 years ive never met a woman who thinks its okay, never mind normal, to share intense graphic details of their sex lives with friends. Or any vague details. The most has been “i slept with (insert persons name), it was good/incredible/meh/horrible”, “we havent actually done anything in a while”, “girl its like 5 times a week”, or “yeah were trying to get pregnant”. Or that one memorable time in college: “omg Jasons roommate walked in with both of their moms. Jasons mom fainted”

34. You told her how you felt and she dismissed your feelings because it’s 2023? I don’t care if it’s Thursday, a loved one should acknowledge your feelings. Your therapist is probably not a real professional.

    Let’s imagine that she was insecure about her body and she couldn’t go swimming in public no matter how hot it is due to being self-conscious about her body, would you tell her to “get over it” because in 2023 body-positivity is all the rage?

    While I think sexual orientation is not a big deal, it is yours to share, not hers, and telling details of sex life to others is a violation of trust. Adult women have other things to talk about and do not really care about the details of someone else’s sex life. Sex involves vulnerability and trust and it only matters to those involved, no one else.

    I do not think you can rebuild trust, she is a kid and will need to grow out of this phase on her own.

35. If she was apologetic and worked on rebuilding trust, you could come back from it.

    The fact that she apologized only long enough to gage that you weren’t going to blow up at her and then she switched completely to making it a ‘you’ problem…this relationship is dead. I don’t imagine you could ever trust her again.

    Take the good things you learned from this relationship and move on to apply it to your next. She has proven that not only will she tell others your most intimate secrets, but she will be unapologetic about it and tell you that you are being ridiculous to expect her to not tell anyone.

36. I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years. He’s a lot like you, except he and I haven’t gone as far as you and your girl, yet; it’s something we both want for ourselves. He’s curious and I love that about him. I’m bi and comfortable with it. He’s bi curious and I want to help him figure it out. He’s submissive when we play like this. He’s not confident with this aspect of himself and I know that. I said all that to say this: If I decided this was a topic of conversation with friends and outed him, even though I know he loves me, I’d be waiting for divorce papers. It’s a DEEP betrayal of trust. No one but myself knows this about him and it would devastate him. I love him so much, I could never hurt him like that

37. Sorry OP, I don’t see a recovery from this. Now you know everything you’ve ever shared with her went to her best friend.

    Women do seem to over share very very often. But that doesn’t make it right. She took information you confided in her, very private info, and shared it. She completely broke your trust.

    Ladies, in the future, ANYTHING a man tells you should be kept in confidence. Because that’s what a man defaults to. It doesn’t matter if it’s his favorite ice cream flavor or what he does with his tongue to you. No man will share his best friends secrets. Ever. So if you haven’t discussed what you can make public, he’s assuming nothing will be made public.

    Or don’t take the advice, ruin the relationship, and give the guy trust issues for the next woman like OP.

38. It’s not a ‘you’ problem. It’s an ‘us’ problem. She has no right talking to anyone else about something so personal and private to you. It doesn’t matter if she was involved too, she’s shared something you wouldn’t have shared yourself and she knows it. She’s probably getting defensive out of guilt, and your therapist is an idiot. If you want to rebuild trust, the best thing you can do is explain how it made you feel in the hope that empathy will stop her doing it again, but imho the damage is done and she is not the one.

39. Plain and simple, you will waste your time and energy, dump her, she is not worth it, she knows what she did, she wants you to be ok with her shitty attitude, drop her and move on, I am very sorry to say but you will not be able to rebuild trust with her, next time be careful with what you share, not everything has to be known.

40. Find a new counselor. Yours sucks. If you want to stay with her keep her at arms length and when she says something about it tell her you are trying to regain some confidence in her not sharing your kinks.

    As others have said, what if the shie was on the other foot? You tell your male friends about her kinks and showed pictures. I really wouldnt do that, but ask her.

41. It’s not you, it really isn’t.

    It doensn’t matter what she thinks, it’s not about her. It also doesn’t matter what year it is, what a stupid excuse. She thinks she has the right to deside for you that you don’t have to keep it private and the therapist is taking her side? What a complete shitshow. You deside if and when you want more people to know. She didn’t accept that and told you to get over it. You have to stand up for yourself because she doesn’t seem to know how to respect your choises if she doesn’t agree with them. That’s not okay in any relationship and especially something i timate like this.

42. It is 2023. Everyone with any common sense knows that outting their partner is outrageously disgusting. Your therapist is an idiot, this is completely unacceptable. You do not go about sharing graphic intimate details about others without their consent. Were I in your place, I do not believe I could _ever_ forgive her, and to me it would be grounds to break things off. That is a massive and casual violation of your trust.

43. Yes she broke your trust but for me personally I don’t like the maturity or lacking thereof in her response to how serious that is. Yes “it’s 2023” but that doesn’t mean that you can just bypass having a conversation about sensitive/confidential information about your intimate life and share it with whoever she pleases, nor can you just tell your partner to just “get over it.”

44. doesn’t matter that it’s 2023. that’s a crass justification on her part. it could be 3023 and your private life is still your private life.

    not saying to throw the whole thing away, but y’all need to sit down and have a discussion about this. it’s not ok.

45. OP, based on how she pretended to be apologetic until she got sick of it and told you to “get over it” I have a bad feeling if you were to break up with her over betraying your trust like this, she would have a lot of horrible things to say about you… particularly along the lines of homophobic slurs. Maybe that seems like a huge leap to you, but I’ve seen that waaaaaay too often. She doesn’t seem like a good person.