(f18) (m21)
Whenever I have a problem we tend to argue or feelings are hurt because I wanna take time to process what I’m thinking & he wants me to talk about it on the spot.
I don’t know what to do. He says he hates waiting while I’m trying to process, but because he’ll wait for me to process at times, he says that I should just talk about my feelings right away so we’re reciprocating the same actions, if that makes sense.
Obviously I don’t wanna do that but it makes sense too. He does what I want, so I should do the same. I don’t know tho because I really feel like I have to think things through before I share them with him, so I wish he’d just respect that 🙃
Can I get someone else’s opinion on this?
Tldr; (title) bf wants me to communicate my feelings on the spot, but I prefer taking time to really think about what I’m feeling.
Edit : we talked it over & we’re good now. Thanks to those who contributed 🫶 lol
6 comments
im the exact same way with my boyfriend, it’s been so difficult to try and figure it out but we’ve gotten better with it. on my end, i’ll tell him i’m upset and that i can’t exactly tell what the emotion is or what made me upset, but i’m communicating that i’m upset and when i’ve figured it out i’d like to talk. on my bfs end, he’s tried to be understanding. he’ll acknowledge that i’m upset, and he’ll reassure me that he’s there whenever i’m ready. or he’ll help me try to figure it out. it takes work on both ends, good luck
I’m younger than you and I have the same issue. I always need to cool off first, or else if my bf pressures me——I’ll lose it. The bad thing with me wanting to cool off sometimes is just pretend nothing happened. I’ve been trying to better myself cause I know what I’m doing isn’t good, as communication is key. I’m no expert with relationships, but I agree with the other comment. It does take two ends to work it out. Communicate with your bf, tell him you need time to think it through first to process the whole situation better and that he has to understand how you feel 🙂 (working on this myself as i struggle with it.)
Your bf may hate to wait, but he’ll have to get over it if he prefers productive communication that actually leads somewhere. If you need time to process things then there’s nothing you could say on the spot. You could simply communicate “I feel upset right now, I want to think about this, let’s revisit the conversation in x amount of time”. If you need time, you need time, it’s not like you’re doing it to piss him off (hopefully). Have you tried explaining why you need time? Like, in a neutral moment, talking about your mechanisms and explaining how you generally feel when you ask for space and how it benefits the conversation that comes later could help him understand this isn’t about “he did something for you, now you do sth for him” , it’s simply who you are, you need time to process shit. He should be more understanding because you do this (assuming) to have a more productive communication later….
How does it normally go when this comes up? If you do that thing where you suddenly get quiet and pouty but you won’t even tell him what’s wrong, then that’s immature and unfair. But if it’s more like, “hey boyfriend, that thing that just happened is bothering me but I feel I need to process it more to know why or how much, can we talk about it tomorrow?”, then that’s totally fair. You should be able to immediately communicate what the issue is and an estimate of how long you need to think about it.
My spouse is a processor and in reality, I am too.
He also doesn’t do well with sudden changes or information.
I tend to give him a heads up by saying hey! I’m feeling xyz about this and wanted to talk about it. When’s a good time for you/ is after dinner ok/ etc…
I DO NOT SAY “hey we need to talk…”
We meet on neutral ground like the back porch with some cold drinks, on a walk, in the pool or hot tub, etc…
Im a very straight forward person and I DO need him to give me a general idea of how he’s feeling but I ask him to think about our conversation and either we schedule another conversation or I ask him to circle back with me in the next set amount of days when he’s ready to talk about details. I stick to ‘I feel sentences’ as well. I also try to communicate my emotions because if he senses that I’m mad, he shuts down and spirals and nothing can convince him otherwise. Since I’m usually the one with the timeliness for my communication needs, I try to be the one who manages those aspects.
It’s not a perfect system but it’s done wonders for us. We are still human and mess it up pretty often but we are always learning from each other and adjusting our approach. I still get the information I need in the time I need and he gets the processing time he needs. Thanks to this system, I also get time to sleep on our conversation and circle back.
All of that said, there’s certainly a balance. If I start managing our communication too much, I start to get resentful of the load. Like I said, we’re human but we’re also a team. At that point I try to loop him in on how I’m feeling and we navigate the issue together.
Look into avoidant vs anxious communication styles, it might help you both a lot in the future