f/23 kissed a girl even though i have a bf m/23

tl;dr

i am 23 (f) and i’ve been with my 23 year old boyfriend (m) for 4 years. around 2-ish years ago I was at alone at a launch party with people i hadn’t known but really wanted to impress. it was only my second college party ever and I am a very awkward person and sometimes I miss social cues (hence it only being my second party)

I very quickly got drunk trying to ease my anxiety. A girl approached me and started complicating my outfit/style. Shortly after she said “can i kiss you” and I was a little taken aback but I was naive in thinking that she didn’t mean it in a flirty way so I said sure under pressure. Like i really wasn’t thinking anything of it, like I just thought TAGST WHAT people did DID at parties jshdehsjdu . so she did it and then after I told her I have a boyfriend as not to steer her in the wrong direction and she apologized and felt really bad.

However, where I really fucked up was by doing it AGAIN and initiating it. She was walking away and I forgot what i said but i basically said she could do it again because for some reason I felt bad ???? I was also very drunk keep in mind but I was doing it with the same intentions: trying to be overly nice and desperately wanting the people there to like me .

I drunkenly texted my bf at the party after it happened and i was like “babe omg i just kissed this girl” like thinking very innocently of it but of course he was panicking and very upset. I felt really fucking stupid and guilty and he was upset about the situation for a few days but eventually we came to a similar understanding about the situation after lots of talking and moved past it.

I thought time had healed the situation but a few weeks ago the incident came up in a conversation and he suddenly started to get really emotional and upset. He told me he still can’t believe I did that, expressed that he felt cheated on, had his trust breached, and had been wondering what his parents would think of me if they knew of all the mistakes i made not including this one. then he even broke up with me for 20 minutes because he “can’t be with someone who cheated. until we cried and cried and he took it back, saying he understands and he trusts me but he just needed to let that out and that he still loves me and wants to grow old raise a family with me . Clearly, though, he had been bottling up these feelings for months when I thought everything was okay.

A few weeks have passed and we have since moved on from the situation once again and returned to normalcy besides the fact that we are now temporarily ldr. except now I am thinking about it everyday. I think about the hurt I must have caused him, how stupid and thoughtless i was to do such a thing, if i am the girl he deserves, and whether or not i did technically cheat.

I am not here for someone to tell me that i don’t love my boyfriend, that i want someone else and not him, or that I’m going to cheat later. I am the only one who knows what I am feeling and what was going on in my mind when that happened that night and how i was thinking about the situation in that moment.

I guess I just want to know if time can heal this and if me and my bf can be okay. Should we get couples therapy?