Not sure if this is the right place to post,
But my mom has been very weird when it came to the opposite sex. It’s not like she was religiously strict, she is just conservative. So we (my sisters and I) were never allowed to have bfs throughout grade school. Me being the youngest, it just stuck with me that males were off limits and that I can’t talk to her about that kind of stuff. Now as an adult I still feel as if I need to hide if I’m talking to someone and just never tell my family. My older sisters were able to have bfs 12th grade and above which my mom knew about because they just got tired of it. I for some reason can’t break the mold.
At 29 I’ve never had a bf. I’ve had some experiences in college but nothing that lasted. Just some fun here and there.
So I recently lost my virginity last year to a dude that I like and we are getting serious. It’s long distance so we only seen each other a few times but we are planning to see each other more frequently. When we did meet, I never told my family. It’s like I feel like I have to keep it a secret especially from my mom even though I’m 29!
The dilemma is, she’s staying with me temporarily while her house is getting renovated. The person I’m talking to wants me to fly to them this week and I told them I would but…my mom is still staying with me so I can’t come.
So of course he finds it weird that I’m grown and feel as if I can’t tell my mom as a grown woman I’m going to visit him. Idk why I can’t. When I think about telling my mom I feel awkward, exposed and I want to cry because I feel emotional. Also, when I tell her, the thought of her knowing I’m going and most likely going to have sex makes me cringe. I hate the thought of not only her but my family knowing I’m most likely having sex.
This could really affect my relationship because he feels like he’s in a relationship with a little kid that needs permission from her mom. I don’t even know how to start telling my mom because at this point it’s more me than her. It’s hard for me to break the mold when that’s literally what was instilled in me when I was younger.
TL; DR: Scared to tell mom I’m in a relationship at 29 years old because growing up she made it seem as if boys were off limits and it stuck with me even in my adult years.
2 comments
Im so sorry this is happening to you. Im 27 F but i grew up MEGA religious and super conservative. It made me guilty to have relationships and relations with romantic partners. I took my years to get over it. Doesnt mean GOd hates me or I am damned bc I hooked up with a guy or looked at a boy haha. You get used to it and you can grow slowly and heal / redefine what you learned. You are an adult now, dont have to totally please your mom and its so weird how some religious parents are so happy when their kids are in relationships as adults or are surprised that its hard after they made opposite gender/romantic interests off limits for so many years before!
Talk aout it with your partner, ask for grace, ask to go slow and to do things at a pace where you are comfortable in terms of meeting family and integration. Ultimately, your life is yours to live and not your moms. Her thoughts are archaic and she needs to let you live her life. ESP if youre paying your own rent and stuff. Your house, your rules!
Just say “hey mom guess what?” and then tell your mom that you’re seeing someone. You’re an adult. Ask yourself what’s the worst thing that could happen? She can’t put you in time out, she can’t berate you. She can’t stop you. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable, that’s the only way you’ll grow as a person. The best advice I can tell you is to stop seeking approval from other people, but instead to look up to god for guidance. Btw your mom dated too which is how you got here.
Also why don’t you ask the guy to put more effort and come to see you instead? He can stay at a nearby hotel. I find it strange that a guy wants you to come to him. Is he paying for the flight, your hotel etc? Does he plan on taking you out on a date or does he just expect you to have intimacy? That doesn’t really sound like a relationship and I wouldn’t want you to be take advantage of. Men are the pursuers and like to chase. Don’t allow them to become lazy by doing their job, they are supposed to court us. Also the reason you may feel ashamed is because deep down you know it feels strange for you as a lady to go and visit a guy. That should be his job and any man that cares about you would understand that is not something that you are not comfortable with and accommodate you. If he flys into town I’m sure that your mom would be happy to meet him and if he asks to meet your mom that definitely will show that he is serious.
So with that being said I don’t think the issue is you telling your mom but instead the thought of looking desperate to your mom and other people by going out of your way to travel to a guy who may or may not do the same for you.
But if you do decide to travel (which I would not recommend as that is masculine behavior unless he is paying for everything. And I mean everything. Reimbursement for taking off work, plane, Uber, shopping, dinner etc ) Then you don’t have to mention that part of going out of state to visit a guy, although I would recommend telling her or a friend for safety reasons that you are traveling out of state, in case a emergency happens and someone needs to locate you.